Wedding II

Patrick and me...


Big sis, we look alike or not?

Yee Wei and me...
God father...
The husband and wife with me...
My cousins...

My bro...
Peggy...
Pei Shan...
My mum singing teo chew song on stage...
The relatives on stage toasting...
I am on stage too...
The far away relatives...glad they make it all the way...
Sisters...

Wedding Part III coming up next week...

Wedding I

Picture of the couple...

Upclose...
Me and mum...
Me and sisters...
The whole family...


Me...

Upclose me, the hair and the make-up...
Somebody thought I was the bride, and somebody said I look better than the bride...wakakakaka

Part II coming up...

My house having party...

Very tired la...lots of people came...it was so noisy and so upside down until I prefer to come upstairs to have some peace...

D W O N

Maybe I think people's critism too seriously la...did I? I think I am not really, is just that when it touches about the real me, the thing that I also think its true although I had reason doing so, it hurts.

We had an interview session with the new members for the committee. I was very very very very very fierce that my vice said I scared them off. And 1 girl almost cried, I thank you n byebye her before she cried.

Haih

This is career development society laa...the interview is supposed to be very serious. Although some responded ( coz I type a long winded 3 smses to each and everyone of them to apologize and explain myself ), that they understand...but 11 out of 19 people ignored my sms. The 8 that replied understood I need to be so, and some even said it was good.

A girl said after this interview she feels she is not suitable for the society anymore.

Haih

Perhaps I had already given them a wrong impression la...that is why i send those messages out costing a hell of money.

Maybe I am just too strict, too straight. I can sense most of the committee didn't really like it. Quite a number of their friends weren't chosen.

Haih

Its impossible to please everybody...but am I pleasing anybody now?

I doubt.

My spending

Yesterday I went shopping at Mid Valley again~

Bought this wallet...nice?


And this bag at Robinson, everyone else said it wasn't that nice, but I kinda like it and somemore got SALE! So I bought it in the end. Haven't regret till now...weeEEE~

The thing in the middle is removable...my friends who went with me said it looks better without...
And the size is extendable...
With all these, I am declared poor for the time being. But I am so happy being it. WUHOO~~

The day

Yesterday I went SHOPPING!!!! YEAH! I am so happy...

Few weeks ago, i saw this clothes, but didn't buy. I was so damn regret and keep thinking abt it.

And yesterday I went to buy it...

The owner of the shop introduce me this...but I think its too girlie, it didn't suit my style, although I think its quite nice.
This is not bad too...but I didn't buy.

This is another dress that I saw last time but didn't buy...yeah I bought it! A bit regret didn't buy blue.
At that time I think blue looks weird on me. But when I came home, I thought maybe I just never wear a blue before, thats why I am not used to it. Should have tried blue, new color on myself.


This 1 is nice, but quite expensive. So I didn't grab it.

This 1 is what my friend introduce me, I think my chest looks much more flatter than it already is. So I didn't buy.

And right after the shopping, I came back bath and changed...straight go poppy wearing my new dress. Reach there quite late, and its VERY pack. Its really a bad experience laa...although the liquor there taste good, but is too pack, and so we stay upstair which they put trance music, I don't like~~

Pic is smoky coz they put the ice for smoke effect.

I wonder if he reads this...

I think this is interesting...

Chi Wei (George) says (5:13 PM):
hey
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:13 PM):
yea
Chi Wei (George) says (5:14 PM):
running for the SRC election?
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:14 PM):
haha
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:14 PM):
who said?
Chi Wei (George) says (5:14 PM):
many people said that...
Chi Wei (George) says (5:15 PM):
just rumours
Chi Wei (George) says (5:15 PM):
so...?
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:15 PM):
well
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:15 PM):
u;ve just said its rumours
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:15 PM):
y ask anyway?
Chi Wei (George) says (5:16 PM):
busybody
Chi Wei (George) says (5:16 PM):
you havent answer my question
Chi Wei (George) says (5:16 PM):
running?
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:16 PM):
haha
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:16 PM):
is that really so matter to u?
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:17 PM):
is me going to bother u running ur election
Chi Wei (George) says (5:17 PM):
I hope you will go for it...
Chi Wei (George) says (5:17 PM):
if you could manage you time and studies well
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:17 PM):
y
Chi Wei (George) says (5:17 PM):
just to share a few info with you...
Chi Wei (George) says (5:18 PM):
this time, the students of FAM will elect the chairman, vice-chairman, secretary, treasurer, 2 auditors and 3 committee members
Chi Wei (George) says (5:18 PM):
the students will elect them
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:18 PM):
woah
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:18 PM):
i didn't know that
Chi Wei (George) says (5:18 PM):
Most likely I will contest for the Chairman Position
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:18 PM):
its good
Chi Wei (George) says (5:19 PM):
Personally, I hope you will run for the treasurer or secretary position...
Chi Wei (George) says (5:19 PM):
but if you wanna contest the chairman position, I am fine with it too
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:19 PM):
hahahaha
Chi Wei (George) says (5:20 PM):
just sharing my thoughts with you here
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:20 PM):
ok...thanks for sharing
Chi Wei (George) says (5:20 PM):
hope you will be in the Main SRC
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:20 PM):
i will think abt it
Chi Wei (George) says (5:21 PM):
okay, let me know as soon as possible... go for it if you could manage your time and studies well...
Chi Wei (George) says (5:21 PM):
we need to think of strategies and others if we are in the same team...
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:21 PM):
u sound like going for a war
Chi Wei (George) says (5:22 PM):
just an option for you... let me know your decision as soon as possible... don't worry if you wanna contest for chairman position, I won't make it personal... after all, we are still friends
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:23 PM):
yea don worry
Cheryl 陈诗瑜 says (5:23 PM):
i always draw the line clearly

If I were to go for it, definately I am going for chairman...that is me, when I want something, I will want the best of it. Reason? Because I simply dislike him!!! wakakakakakkakakaka

nolaa...im just saying IF.

A powerful mind and determination....

...says MunYee.

I had always salute those people whom are so active in societies, yet maintain a good result with a good attitude.

Until it happens to somebody so near to me, a felt the triggers. Congrats MunYee. She got straight A's including some A-.

I am so full of inspiration today. I actually come out with a goal and plan on how to obtain good result, like her!

I've played all along since form 3, I haven't been seriously studying. That should be enough rite? What Nicholas wrote in his blog somehow awakes me too. I was staring at my result screen for very long, I AM NOT SOMEONE FOR THAT RESULT LA!

I am so angry with myself, yet I think it serves me right.

So, what can I do now?

Patience
Practice
Persevere

Sushi Zanmai, The Gardens

I am not doing any advertisement la, but I just think this sushi zanmai serves reasonable price and way way better than Sushi King! Is located beside The Borders.


The environment is damn nice...and the waiters there are damn friendly and educated.



The green tea(foc) like cocktail! Looks damn nice lor~

The salmon super fresh and thick(unlike sushi king!), this plates cost RM 9.80.
The "tau fu fah".

It looks damn pretty until I don't feel like eating it!

Me with salmon...yummylicious!

For 2 pax, this price is considered okay, since we ordered so many salmon.
Go try it out!

Result

Haih, my result is out. It is so so bad...until I have no courage to post it here. I will really study hard this semester.

The 1st week was kinda busy, which I donno what I am busying with. Went to 1U Shogun for lunch on Tuesday, thats how I skip the 1st tutorial. And guess what, gastric strikes me after my 1st dish....So my friend ended up keep scolding me for wasting money, coz I ate only 2 plates and ice cream. Whatever~

I am suffering gastric very often nowadays...So I ate whenever I am hungry now.

Today is Saturday. I am so enjoying it, nobody is at home, everyone was like so eager to go back hometown I donno why. YEAYYYY....I slept for the whole day...haha and I study a little bit. I really promise myself I am not gonna miss classes again, and try to sleep early before early class the next day so that I will be able to concentrate.

:)

Its funny la. Yesterday, the current Student Representative Committee's vice chairman come and tell me, he already nominate me for the chairman position next election, today, the chairman, whom we hated so much, whom re-nominate himself for the next election, pop up suddenly to chat with me in msn. Started by asking how I am recently, ask me how is things going and apologize if he had offended me in the Ball night event. Already feels damn damn weird~Then, he asked me if I am aiming for any position in the coming election. I told him, no...im currently the chair for CDS. WAHHHH he straight away said he gtg, and bid me goodbye~

Damn idiot.

3.34am

Something is so wrong with me. Every night I can't sleep, then I have no energy to go on with the next day. I am so so sick of it although I tried very hard to turn my time normal. How tired am I, I just can't sleep at night. I am very stressful, can't relax. What to do? I feel really tense. This is just the 1st week man. I already missed 2 classes. Tomorrow our class starts 9.30 until 4pm. And after 4, I have some society work to settle. I am really exhausted. Having gastric and headache now. Biting gastric the pill now. Feeling really awful. Saturday faster come...

Random

I didn't get any better. The surgeon said it takes time to heal though. I still have to take antibiotics for another 7 days before the next visit. So we will see.

Anybody in Sg Long have any activities? Im getting so so bored being stuck at home, now 4.58am, can't sleep. The f*cking dog's barks wake me up. URGH!

Kept telling myself, its how I look at life that determines it. But sometimes people really gets tired though. Why is it so hard to find a person who understands me? Whom I can rely to? These people always goes out of my life(not by my side), never mind coz ever since I remembered, someone will come filling in whenever one has gone. But this time, the space had been empty for so long.

I know I have to learn independent. But life cannot goes alone, we need friends. But friendship comes and goes.

I am crapping. 2 more days to survive alone before new sem kick of a good start.

A good news, I am elected for the chairwoman of Career Development Society. I had a really good right hand man, the vice, Mr Meow. I am so happy coz he is someone who can somehow neutralize me. That is something which I call compliment each other's weaknesses. Something like he is too acidic while I am too alkaline. Both mix together, we are neautral so we won't hurt any parts of the body. :) Can't wait to work together.

Enough for crap.

Ultrasound

If you don't have enough money, don't get sick. Take care of yourself. The film that cost RM 91 including tax.

If you can see anything...


The report...


The summary bill. Doctor's consultation fee, RM 88. Just to read the report from X-ray department and give some of his opinion and medication.

The antibiotics that cost RM 224. Each tablet cost RM 11.20. Enough for you to have 2 good meals every day.

I was like, "HARRR?? are you sure this is the amount?" when the nurse bill me.

No better

After 3 days of medication, it didn't get any better except it is now not so pain, coz I took painkillers. The lump is still there like it did, and there is a bit changes on my nipple, I am able to see the difference in color compared to both, and it sink in abit.

Went to a gynae today. She examine me, then advised me to do an ultrasound scan, wrote a referral letter to Cheras Pantai Hospital.

I draw out from the camp.

Its funny isn't it? I had been saying for hundreds of time that I wish death will come. When things like this happened, I am so worried and scared. haih... n I cried.

I look at the crying self in the mirror...so pitiful....the me standing said to her, "SERVE YOU RIGHT!"

Good luck to me. Tomorrow will go hospital.

Clinic result

Went to see the doctor after feeling so uneasy with the findings.

Doctor 1st asked me when I had my last period.

She was surprised, saying..."..how come, just had it..",
Then when she physically examine myself....she was muttering,
"...couldn't be, you are just 20.."
She then asked me to put away the bra, coz she is going to examine me with a mammogram,
she asked me to look at it, lucky no tumor or sort. *PHEW PHEW PHEW*
She said its some kind of infection in the vein of my breast. Which I am not able to find any information from internet. When I asked her, whats the caused of it, she seems to mean it comes naturally. My sister asked her, is it because of what we eat? or hygiene? Both she said no. Weird

She gave me some antibiotics, pain killer, and med that relieve swell. Asked me to go back to her clinic for another check up next week. Perhaps she worried too. But I will be at KL then. I think I have decided to go for the camp as usual on Tues, then when I am back from camp, go for a gynae in KL for another check up.

The medicine tasted ALL FREAKING HORRIBLE. Really sucks! I donno how am I going to consumed it for this much!

Couldn't sleep in 5.28am

Not that this is very unusual. I had been drowsing off at 6am and waking up at 4pm ever since month ago.

Just that few days back (Monday I supposed), I experience some pain on my left breast. Had been ignoring it cause it seems to be normal (I forgot before or after ) coz I just finished having period. Thought the pain will fade away naturally just as it always did, I didn't bother to make a big fuss about it.

As days passed by, the pain become more severe around the nipple area. Until then in my heart that I doubt could it be something wrong. The knowledge from television taught us that, most breast cancer are able to be detected from self examination. So, I exam myself and found nothing. Relieved.

Though, the pain continues to haunt me. More brutal today. It seems to be spreading and now I feel the whole breast is pain with just a mere shake of it. I decided to tell my sisters casually so not to worried them in a car trip just now. Naturally they asked me if I examine myself to have find any lumps. I said no. Perhaps that answer, too, ease their worries coz they make jokes about examining it for me. Big sis added that I should examine myself with my hand above my head.

I did not take a very serious note on it. Until when midnight comes, the sore still disturb me so much, then I decided to re-check again with my hand held up high above my head. To my great horror, yeah, I felt about 1cm slightly more solid flesh right below my left nipple. It is not visible though I feel it when I pressed lightly on it. Near to it was a very little piece redder color flesh. I did some research about it, its hard to find anything. Or perhaps I am too afraid admitting what I found out was the website suggesting me to consult a physician.

But I found out that its very least likely for a girl at nearing 21 to suffer anything that serious. I will tell sister about what I found out when they are awake and see if I really need to see a doctor.

An experience.

Actually my friends had been treating me real good. 3 offered to go Redang with me, somehow i politely rejected. Its not anything else, but quite ermm...outrageous and weird a bit to go with another guy for such a romantic place la. I think it will be kinda awkward.

People tend to get what they are longing for. So I got it. But there is always 2 side of me. 2 diverse side of me which fight which each other everytime. Often they fight till no end until somebody, a 3rd party came in to decide who win (which, they believe me in). Then the other 1 will rest in peace and act according to what people expect me to do.

Somehow, my attitude, perception of life worried my blog readers. Exception for him I guess. Yes, thanks for the warmest calls and mails and smses. It did soothe me alot and I kept reviewing the smses and mails and remembering what we had talked that makes me feel great somehow.

Thats it, the redang trip had been changed to a camp, with the objectives of getting more friends, learning more things, budget holiday, and more experience and great memories.

So out of desperation, I sms-ed him yesterday somehow. Intended to clear abit of our misunderstanding regardless of what. Just when the sms ended quite deperately good... today we are back to square again with no contacts the first day after so long something positive happened. I am as normal being very disapointed with that, after all the things happened, I wanted to believe people changed and people learnt. I had, after so long, identified whats my problem, I guess, that is how the sms ended good. Thinking then sometimes its his turn to do something in return, to prove my change worthwhile, but I am not surprisingly being disapointed again. Yeah, this sentence perhaps its unfair for him, "not surprisingly", *sigh* Let it be.

Its heart ache-ing.

While I was back to square today anticipating for his sms like usual, somebody in surprise sms-ed me. Asking me out for a tea, but I was outside with my sis. Too bad. Just happened that we coincidently met each other at some where the mamak, saw him with my bro. I was really happy to see him, really really happy, and coz they were no vacant table available, my sis offered them to sit with us, and he happily agreed to join us while waiting for their friends to arrive although my bro was kinda reluctant to sit. I didn't have any much chance to talk to him, coz he was so occupied talking with my sis and bro-in-law. The whole family like him so much. Both of us are happy to see each other. At least, he told me in his sms later. ;)

Another happy thing! Hippo will be following me to Sg Long tomorrow!!! YEAYYY!!! When I asked him if he wanted to come with me, he made me promise him that I won't chuck him aside coz he will be scared at some place so unfamiliar to him. When I said okay, he was still hesitating then I gave him a promising hug, and kiss him on his forehead, then we are like so happily in love, hahahhahahahahah YEAYYYYY~~~ he excitedly can't wait to go together with me!!!

Yeay, I am crazy with hippo i know. Who cares right? Whatever~

Neutral

So I decided to post it all now.

There is no who's right or who's wrong in relationship you agree? Everything comes both sides. If one resist it to happened, unwanted things cannot happen.

I cried so hard yesterday that I seriously thought I was going crazy. I was crying in my room, and I am not allowed to make any noise coz my sister is sleeping and her room and my room is somehow connected, thus she will hear it if I sob. I did, and I am not sure whether if she heard. I cried so hard that I had to stop breathing in order not to make anymore noise. And for both crucial times when im doing that, I lose my breath and all the heat and blood goes up to my head. I can feel that, coz I was in a very cold aircond room and I suddenly sweat very hard.

You know how is the feeling of helpless? Yeah~ yesterday I called for help. I was sincerely begging for help. The feeling is undescridable. Helpless.

We have been together for 6 months. Couples quarreled. And everytime we quarrel, be it small or big, he will just ignore it. Until perhaps 1 day when he suddenly call me, and wanted to pretend like nothing had happened. Of coz then, I was angry. You expect time can wash things away and we can go on like nothing ever happened just like that? And to have us carry on forever? IMpossible. Problems came, we must solve, we must talk things out and find a solution, reach a conclusion. Share out our feelings to make us understand each other more. So that next time, things will not happen again. He don't seems to think sharing is good. He never share his life with me. We barely talk. I don't understand him, I don't know what is he doing, most of the time until his friends told me. We don't sms, we don't talk on the phone for hours.

Whatever I say, he is gonna agree with it. I say break up, he will be ok with it, saying he respect my decision. I say, we together, he will be okay with it too. hah I guess he don't understand what relationship really is. I asked him, last time when I rejected him, why did he so determine then? Perhaps his love to me is gone.

A week before exam time, I initiated a msg, and then he called and I said this all out to him. We met and we talked, but I did not know how, the result ended up the same. He decided to have us talk after exam. I can not stand ignorance like that. I am just barely asking for a settlement. He want us to talk after exam. I am given no choice, and if I don't want to accept it, then he will do whatever I say, which has no meaning at all.

My friend asked me yesterday, to what extent that he did not contact you for month/weeks. I said no contact at all. He said, I take 1 minute to type a message, because of exam, he can't do that? Yeah, I found out I am just making excuses for him. Until now, I finished my exam for 6 days, he finished for 2 days. He did nothing.

Its hard to let down. Maybe I need time. This is indeed a bias review of what had happened. I rationally admit. Well, I never know and will never know what is on his side. hah, he will never tell me, perhaps he don't even care. He will not share like usual.

You know what? He read my blog.

Midnight

When midnight came...here I come...

I started to think
I started to miss
I started to think
I started to cry
I am so lost
without you
I am so sad
with nobody to share
I am so mad
without your touch
what can I do
everything is wrong
I donno how you are feeling
where is the doctor?
cure us
where is the god
lead us
where is the fate?
bring us
where are you?
hold us
waiting
despair
shattered
dying
this...
is just 1/4 of me
2/4 is sleeping
1/4 is living

Posted on 8 May 08

All the result is out. Bad news, I need to sit for supp. Good news, is a D, I can choose to sit or not to sit and I won't need to repeat the subject even if I can't do very well. Just that it will lower my CGPA.

I guess this is the best outcome. It teach me a lesson and it don't let me fall too hard.

Yesterday I wrote a post name, "pitiful confession". Don't have the courage to post it. It will be posted automatically 2 months after yesterday. So we will see, how am I 2 months later.

The pity confession...

Came back hometown. Still. Emotionless. Had a talk with 1 of my very good friends. A long lost friend who understand me more than myself.

He said...

sometimes u think too much

over sensitive

n ur expectation kinda high

guys ll hv pressure being wif u

dunno wat u wan

or dunno wat u lk o hate

cant predict ur behavior

dey r affraid of doing somethg dat u don lk o make u angry

so in the end doing nothg is the best

do more = wrong more

do nothg= no wrong

I seldom dare to share the true weak, soft me. Perhaps this is what Cancerians are. I am so afraid of being weak, losing my shell I will be a nothing. But keeping it will just make me and people around me miserable. What should I do?

I am depress, but I act as though nothing had really happened. I kept anticipating for his contacts. But I don't want to admit it. I really pity myself. I told myself, after exam he will find me. After his paper he will find me. At night, after he wake up from sleeping he will find me. But none. I wish to cry all things out. But I am just feeling so emotionless now. I don't want to lose him. But how can we be together again? God...what should I do? He is the man I wanted, but he is not the boyfriend I wanted. Am I making him so? Am I the caused of it? he seems to only treat me like this. I have so many doubts. Although people keep telling me its not like that... its not my fault...but I am still doubting. Perhaps, I am just a very bad girlfriend, thats why making him a bad boyfriend. When I am crying now, what is he doing? Has he forgotten me? Is he like what my friend told me...making excuses for a breakup when a man ask for time to cool down for each other....

God...take me out of here. I am killed. I really miss him. Moments like this, I am afraid to admit that I wish to die. Coz people will get so worried and they will think I am so useless. weak. I am truly defeated. I want to be gone. I want to go a place that nobody knows me, my past.

This post was written on 7th on May. Schedule to be post 2 months after.

I need a holiday...

Hey, I really wish to go Redang any date from now until before 26th May. Nobody accompany me, basically everyone is so busy with their life and I don't pretty much have a life now. Some feel awkward going with just me. Who is interested for this trip? I really hope a miracle will happen that someone will initiate to go for the holiday.

I have some urge to go for it alone. I am not joking. :)

I am emotionless...shivering.
I keep breathing...keep keep breathing...

Childish

Im pissed with one of my housemate.

The thing was like this....one day, he put in his msn private message...saying, "Actually I already withdraw from university...so don't ask me to study". --->coz we were having exam and he wasn't studying, so whenever i see him, which is very rare, coz he rarely come out from his room or go out of the house, I will ask him to study, as a concern.

I was concern and thinking perhaps he will be moving away means then. So I asked him, is that true. He refused to answer me, fine...and he turn me round and around like I am an idiot so really curious of knowing about him. FINE. It was annoying, I wasn't very happy about it. Coz he never seems to care, if he is moving out then, we will need to find someone to replace him. Well, its basically none of his business after he shifted out. Probably he don't care at all.

So today, he came and asked, "have you finish your exam", remembering that incident, I didn't reply him for around 2 minutes, then he asked, "is ur keyboard spoiled?", I said "no". He asked, "no for exam no finish ur keyboard?" I said, "no for keyboard din't spoil, for have you finish ur exam = why should I answer you?"

Thinking he didn't answer me for the last question, I was basically just doing the same thing as he did to me, only that I am more straight forward...no turning round and around treating him like an idiot so desperate to know.

Guess what he answered? He scolded me ASSHOLE. Man, I wanted to tell him everyone has an asshole...why so big deal of saying me that. Having him as housemate I didn't want to make the tense tenser. And I don wan to be equal standard like him, so rude. So i kept quiet.

I was really offended. Then, he put his msn private msg, "You're pretty, but doesn't means that you can act like an asshole"

GOODNEESSS....can I know exactly how does an asshole act? Does asshole know how to act?

Come on la...I think I haven't been scolded with rude words by any one seriously.

I am disappointed with such a man exist, worst he is my friends' boyfriend!!! I am sad for her, pity her really for having such an ungentleman boyfriend.

I know it might sound like I started it first by asking why should I answer you. But HEY, that sentence was basically meant to be joking. The rule is broken once he scold that vulgur words, some more put in his msn.

I regret not saving what he had typed. I should have send that to his gf. and maybe spread that around. Such a disgrace of him really. I really pity him, pity his gf, and pity myself as his housemate. I really can't stand people rude like that, somemore towards a girl who is his housemate.

Bad news, I officially broke up with my bf. Good news, I passed my audit. So I most probably will only fail 1 subject. Good luck to myself. As for him, he surely will regret someday, just like how he sounded in his blog last time, and the whole thing is gonna repeat again. But the difference now is, I ain't gonna give him chance to shattered my heart again. Its all too late. When I cried alone every night in my room, he is nicely enjoying somewhere out there.

We sang K just now, going Genting at 8pm. Sunway Piramid tomorrow, Seremban night. I love my life like that. FUN!

4。21

Am I always so serious? Lets try not!

(now...im stuck here for like 3 minutes....trying to be not serious!)

1 of the paper's result came out today. This was the first f*cking time I was sweating during the scrolling down session!

Phew~ I passed!

Finished 4, left 1 which is Pengajian Malaysia. Life is like exam already finish. Coz basically I never touch books yet till just now, when I go through the tips given, it was about asimilasi, segregasi, donno what si si si. And I realize that my malay had gone so so so terribly terrible. I think I can't even form a good sentence like we used to in Form 5. No wonder, I see my friend put "why do we need to study malay" in his msn. I was thinking, "stupid! coz we stay in Malaysia marrr". English so geng, go England laa....Chinese geng? Go China then!

As you can see, (well...i hope you guys had realized) I did a bit change on the layout of my blog. Added the number of visitors and recent comment at the sidebar. How was it?

OMG its 4.31am, I am supposed to study PM now. Oh ya, I have not explain, PM is not counted in the CGPA. So we will just need to pass. Coz nobody cares if you get A or what. And our coursework marks all score like 44/50. So...hahaha i hope that explain!

Tomorrow we are going to catch a movie. ( really like exam is finished) Yeay!!! I really can't wait for Friday. WE will be going to green box, then Saturday go Sunway and right down to Seremban for a friend's 21st birthday. Mamamia~

Then then, if everything goes smoothly, I am going back to hometown. Man, I haven't been going back for like...3 months? Ever since CNY! Gosh, I think hippo gonna emo with me for the whole 24 hours! I feel really sorry for him. But I wish him everyday, I swear!

Hmm..well, that "everything goes smoothly" actually meant that if I pass all the papers. For readers info, the 2nd and 3rd paper really did not go well. Haih, for AIS(3rd paper) I think at most I will be getting a D or worse fail, which mean I will need to take the supp paper no matter what. ARGHHH~ pls pray that I pass the supp and do not need to repea the whole lotta subject! I really can't afford that. Please pray for me....

Most likely Friday the result of that 2 subject will be out. Scary~ @@

How was that, trying not serious? haha its basically all crap! Thank you for wasting your time to read my crap. Opss...

Cherish a Life

I explore blog, when I have nothing much to do. Something meaningful came by...

Jolene, the blog owner claimed that she was sobbing like nobody's business after she scanned thru the link. I was thinking what was that to be crying about.

Then, eventually....I read this link. It talked about a mother who lost 3 babies. The 1st one died on 2004. Another 2 of them were twins, last year. The son came out earlier as a stillborn and according to the blog, his tiny head got dislodged in the uterus. The daughter continued to live and grow in the womb only to give rise to complications when she was almost reaching full-term. The little girl only stayed in our world for 36 hours.There were picture of the tiny baby stuck with tubes and other medical instruments, baby in the casket.. those tiny bones. The feelings were well shared in the blog. Which I think will wake alot of people up.

The author said...
“I saw a little girl who nearly got banged down by a car only to be pulled back by her slightly older brother. At the side of the road was her father, nonchalantly lighting up a cigarette. These people are blessed with children yet they treat them this way.”

It really touches my heart. People, you really need to read it. Yes I cried. I don't know what to comment. Just go through it, and you will understand how I felt now.

It reminds me of my father...

This is something adapted from the blog :
You can Shed Tears by David Harkins

You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love that you have shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and lived yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

All of a sudden, I am so afraid. Can somebody give me a hug?

Outdated : "I am sorry"

A relationship is most of the time hurting to me. Maybe I am unlucky. Love or not love, rejection or being rejected, it both hurts me. I don like to hurt people. But when I am to, no matter what, I will choose a person whom deserves to be hurt more. I have to be fair although I didn't want to hurt anybody.

You tell everyone how bad is the situation, I remain all the while silent, becoming the bad girl..not being understand. I do not really mind coz I do things accountable to myself. I don owe anybody an explaination, I don care how people think of me, as long as my conscience is clear. Well, maybe you didn't realize....But can I have my own reason too? Love is about giving, giving is a GIVE, you understand the meaning of give? Give is when you hope nothing back in return. Silently make her happy. Keep giving without hoping or expecting she will give you anything back in return. This is the truth, and this is what he did to me. Until now, he still never, never ever request anything in return. Even when he knows the existence and story of you, he never mention or say anything bad about you. He just told me, do what you feel like doing. That's it.

1 word I say, " I don like people smoking".... Smoking had been part of his life, 3 years...but few weeks after I said that word, i see him quitting. I see him being miserable doing it, I told him you don't have to. Simply because I don't want him to do it for me. Coz i can't promise to give him anything back in return. I didn't want to, not intend to. And he didn't expect me to. But he just did it.

Unconditional love he proved to me it exist.

That's what I did to you last time. I keep giving until 1 day you truly truly hurts me. You asked me go to die. Frankly speaking, that day i was sad. So I wasn't really really joking. I told you that. I said "although I may sounds like I am joking, coz i don't want to make it sound too serious. I will scared people off." You take it as a joke maybe, or perhaps you didn't care at all. How can you risk me, how could you risk my life under your hand, when you didn't really know how true are those words? Even when I've warn you I may not be joking. How could you risk a life...From then on I have made up my mind. And yesterday you told me, you like me all the while, since we've met? Is that what you did to the person you like?

Words you say and what you did, is not at all match.

I still didn't know, since you've made up your mind last time, then why change? You already used your action to tell me, you are not determine. If i were to give you a chance, I donno when you will make a new decision and said things to hurt me again.

How can I not touched by what he did to me? Both of you started chasing from the beginning. I gave you chance. I didn't give him. He is the people...that slowly slowly creeps into my heart without being notice. Being a friend that silently gave me extra care. I never show a clue that i knew all these. He didn't have any idea how I felt or do I even feel anything. From the beginning that I gave u a place in my heart, I gave him nothing. Until now I still gave him nothing. Imagine that.

What are those thing that you did to me, compared to his? Are you able to stand on my view and see it? Can you be rational enough just for a while, put yourself in my situation....you tell me what should I do?

I only found comfort in friendship. He makes me believe, he show me assurance that I will be safe in his hug. I still didn't walk in. Because love always hurt me, except friendship one. Understand me. I tell you now, first and last, I don't dare to love a person deeply. Coz I had a very bad life. Very bad experience in life about love. If 1 day i got married, he will be my partner, not my lover.

This post was written on 29 September 2007, 7 months ago. It was a comment on a blog. Decided to post it here as a remark for myself.

How bad can the bad be?

Yeah, it was very bad. All 3 papers sucks big time. I think I gonna flung at least 2 papers this time. Just pray that god will be with me, let me pass the supp paper....I really hope I won't be repeating any subject next semester. Having to sit for 5 papers is enough pressure, not to say 6, or perhaps 7.

It was all upside down. But nothing else could be done. Classmate called for beer-ing session at Station One. Most of the people did badly. Suddenly the plan changed, to Look out Point instead. I was very very happy. Didn't know why, that place is really special to me. I have brought so many people there, I went there so many times..it never fail to brightens me up.

The picture seems clearer today...I really like that place so much.



Thanks to my classmate, my wish came true... well...we wasn't wearing nice clothes because it was decision-at-once to go this place. A little bit more, we were supposed to be at genting now. I love this kind of adventure. "Sudden fun" I call it. Unexpected extreme fun!



A brand new me, a new beginning...here comes I back!

DANG DANG DANG

Exam time is SO BORING!

Like now, 8.32am I haven't sleep--->re phrase, I can't sleep. Yeah, coz the past 2 weeks, I had been sleeping like 6am until 4pm....MOnday is the exam at 2pm, so after keep-on-sleeping yesterday, I wake up at 1am(slept from 11pm), I keep myself awake until now. Consumed coffee n breakfast at 6am.

I insist to keep myself awake till like 10pm then sleep to next morning, then hopefully afternoon I will feel great to do my Advance Financial Accounting paper.

HURRAAYYYY~~~!!!

Finally exam starts!!! WHich that means it is going to end very near soon. *PUFFF

I AM so tired of studying and studying la...btw, my Accounting Information System's coursework fail. I am freaking worry that I will flung that paper man. Haih, its the 1st time we have final in this paper. So we are a genuine pig. Can't imagine how the paper is gonna be. Pls pray for me....PLEASE!

Times like now, I am taking a break from studying, no tv watch, no ppl at msn, no ppl update blog(exam), all website have already gone to....man, I donno what to do. So I crap here...

Oh yeah, btw...thanks guys...I am pretty pretty alright now. Hmm...Its a brand new me. Many quality personalities had been forgotten...I just suddenly remembered...

Ciao..Im going to shit in toilet. HAaa...

I am so funny

I am so in like of challenges to the extend of I don't accept the fate of my life. Very often, I refuse to accept what as it is. Impatiently, I want things in my way so much that then, I collapsed.

I refuse to accept even though I have no ways to change it. When I had done everything I could, and knew nothing else to be done...I will just cry and cry and cry....until time like this, I suddenly wake up...and realized the sun stays there all the time...regardless of day or night, whatever weather it is, the difference IS, you see it or not.

Sometimes, rest is to work even further. When will I get this phrase implemented inside me? Patience do really hates me.

Somebody's msn said, "when life give you a lemon, make a lemonade".

I asked a friend yesterday in msn, "how to be stronger?"

Unfortunately, she told me she is not strong that is why, she can't tell me. She told me she almost do stupid things yesterday. And she thinks I am the people she thinks least useless and she thinks I am strong. At that moment, I was thinking, perhaps she doesn't really know me.

Or perhaps, I don't know myself? a benefit of doubt...

Its fantastic that she is still able to advise me having her in that condition. Hey YOU, I chose so many people out of my msn list to ask you, "how to be stronger?" for a reason. And the reason is, I really think you are a strong girl. If I say life is hard on me, then I would also say, life is not too good on you either. We had a same thing in common. We are people that are not showered with enough water for what a plant would need.

7.29am, its misty outside. I hope this feeling would last until my final ends.

Hippo told me that he will stick with me no matter what the next time i come up to KL. Coz when times like I had no one...he said he will want to STARE at me until I am alright. *GEEE...

I am feeling very bad

I thought I was strong....
I thought this time, I will go through it easily...
Now, Im sitiing down here
crying
I refuse to wake up coz i know this will happen
but im forced to face it
time don't stop running
I donno why am I crying
I am feeling very bad
Can somebody scold me?
Wake me up from dream
When can I truly accept the fact
We are just not suitable
GIrl,
what you had given is not appreciated
what you gave is not what he wanted
what he gave is not what you wanted
we just couldn't click
WHY?
why is he not determine
why am I not determine
what am I waiting for?
miracle don't always happen
Its raining...
when can the sun shine again?

Despair

Im learning this word...

1. To lose all hope: despaired of reaching shore safely.
2. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

I am swallowing all these...



Memories are most beautiful...

Defeated. To fate.

People, remind me that...once a person had tried her best...there is nothing else to look back.
I will be strong.

Life is how you make it to be...

I am very down now...but guess what? I think it serves me right...

Coz I make it to be so. Every of my action leads to what I am in to now. Eventually, today it makes me realizes... I make the wrong decision.

What is the purpose of regret? Regret is not to let you repeat the same mistake again. Somehow, I made it again after years. And things happened again. Perhaps human are really forgetful.

They need to be reminded.

I need to get used to some changes. With exam coming, this should be the right time.

:-)

Studies

Man, I think this sem I've neglected my studies way way way too much. I just came back from genting, on the 2nd day there, my friend message me, told me I was barred from exam, due to unsatisfactory attendance. I got a big shocked. Luckily it was 1st of April. Though, I am glad that they scared me. Its like giving me 5 fingers on my face and say, "hey!!! WAKE UP!"

Although that was meant as a joke.

Anyway, exam timetable is out. 21st April our final will start. I never realized it was so near....GOSH, 2 more weeks and I donno any hell whats on sylibus. And I just got to know, I failed Accounting Information System's coursework mark. Man, I only got 18 out of 40%. Means even if I got full marks 100/100 in my final, I will only get 18+60 = 78 which is A-. Which that was very IMPOSSIBLE.

I am so so worried... I don't like being regret really. So I will study very very very hard from now on.

There is time for fun, and now its time to study study and study and study!

NOTHING ELSE.

1 month of bookworm.

Don't make yourself regret. I will make it through happily! BUCK UP!!!!

Strive it with no boundaries

This post is specially dedicated to Tarick....our ex-programme head, who resigned.

He resign because he doubts my ways of accounting the budget. Coz the event, all losses will be beared by the committee. The Uni will not be held responsible for it.

Today we make approximately 4ks of profit. Here, I have something to say.

Earlier, I did not said anything, because it was not proven. Now, the figures prove us right.

Tarick bang us again and again on our budget, and calculating that we might incur losses, and convince the committee that we are student, we are unable to bear to losses. He wanted us to use his way, but we have not enough time for that. Some are convinced. Some believed by working hard together, as a team....that can not happen.

Perhaps we are lucky? OR.....

Perhaps we are not?

Is anybody willing to accept that we are not lucky, but we believe and we work hard?

No matter how bad is the situation, as long as we are determine enough, we work together... impossible is almost nothing.

Here, I would really hope somebody learns, that instead of wasting time thinking of problems that might occur, we should be doing what should be done to avoid problems from occuring.

Not keep thinking of the problems until it stop us from moving on. Probably that problem would not have happen at all. Coz we have avoided it. That will then be a big waste.

Yeah...perhaps we were just really being lucky. OR....

Perhaps we are not?

Post Mortem

We had a post mortem for our event just now. It ended "luckily successful" like what Jason had said. First, the committee should arrive early. Not just those committee who are involved. The programme was a mess. Public Relation and security department didn't coordinate well.

As for the banquet manager aka Student Representative Chairman.....I have many to comments.

First, lets understand that the FAM social night, is under Student Representative Committee (SRC). Lets name the SRC chair as MONSTER.

In between the event, our banquet manager resign due to certain reason. So, our Monster, according to him today, that HE became our banquet manager since nobody wanted to do it. He said, "nobody wants to do it, so somebody has to do it"

So what I understand is, we should treat him as our banquet manager, not SRC chair.

He suggested to oversea the whole Programe dept, including technical, programme, stage.

Because he is SRC chair, so called the "biggest" in our faculty, he thinks he is the biggest and everybody needs to follow him.

He never understand that, in this event, he should report to the chairman, coz he was only a banquet manager.

So all the decision on that day was made stubbornly by him. Even the programme manager have no power to speak.

Today, people question him about this. He said, he IS the SRC chair. Even when everybody said he shouldn't be so, he said, "in the end, the chairman will still have to refer back to me"

that was very shitty.

First, he is over confident. Very arrogant. No sense of respect to the Chairman. And extremely stubborn when it comes to making decision. Frankly speaking, I seriously dislike him, EXTREMELY.

I donno how in hell he can become a SRC chair. Earlier on, when the chairman complains to me about him, I thought they had personal problems, thats why the chair is bias on him. I think its too late to just found out that, the personal problems come from his problem. The chair actually requested me to oversea the programme dept, I thought Monster can handle it well, and he has no problem....so i letting him be. I am sorry that I misunderstood our chairman. He is indeed a very hard-to-go-with guy.

The worst thing is that, he cannot accept ppl's comment, although all had already agreed that he shouldn't be acting so. After all the bing bangs, he still can say, at the end of the day, we did the right thing. I feel really fuck up with that.

That include the incident with Christien. I am really sorry to Christien to had people like him to deal with you, Christien. I don't know what can be said. But I already shooted him kao kao for what he did.

As I promise to myself, I had made him so disgrace in front of everybody. Its true as what I had said in the post mortem, it is ashame that UTAR has a student like him, somemore as a student rep. He throw away UTAR's reputation. BIG TIME!

Weird

Its weird.
Never thought I would have this feel.
I wonder did somebody feels the same thing as me.
Its sour plus abit of happy.



I am not regretting
Im just feeling weird...
I saw through action someone feels the same too.
Or am I thinking too much?

Oh girl...
how long have this been?
How can a person overcome this alone
without letting know of me...

Someone is just too good to be true.
I missed it.

A her

She is one of the society's chairman. From the very 1st day, when I went into the "welcoming bash", I not jokingly doesn't look good on her JUST by the way she gave her speech. I am not trying thinking so highly on myself. But i was the president for Interact, and deputy for council. I do not dare to say I am good, I can say am I slightly more experience coz I have seen alot and alot of leader.

I doubted...how can she become a chairman when days were gone. Deep in my heart, I believe people chose her for a reason. and yet, I can't figure out. Alot of people under her are better compared to her. But....I was waiting patiently for an answer to come, none.

Again and again, she prove I was right. Today writing this, I am not afraid that she might come across this. I think a good leader will have to face the comments bravely, not blaming but to THINK! whether the comments make any sense.

I was her "shadow comm" sounds bad. I donno whose idea, but that was suppose to be something to be PROUD of as the society's member. When we were informed to meeting, we were most of the time being shoot, scolded at. Regardless of how much we have contributed, no recognization was given, we were there for meeting basically just to listen to their decision. Bad things, we were ALL scolded, good things, i think we haven't been praise, do we?

2 weeks ago, she said, "this time the shadow comm is so bad, all didn't want to attend meeting, I think I am blind chosing you all as shadow comm"

today she said, "then if u guys are not committed then y u all came n join shadow comm?bull crap so muc but cant do anything"

She never ask herself, why people chose others as priorities, rather than attending her meeting.

We had been her shadow comm for almost 1 year by now. Previously, we were not given a chance to handle a proper position. I tell you, I feel not trusted.

To me, its ok whether the people is experience or not. Nobody are born with experience. As long as he is willing to learn, sacrifice and interested. Having said to this, an example...you willing to have a kid that is genius, but very lazy...or you prefer a kid that is stupid, but willing and eager to learn?

Then, slowly...interested in holding event people, get involve in other societies, coz they provide us better chance and appreciate us more. I myself felt that we are given better exposure and challenges there.

So eventually, we shifted outside. UNtil today, when they gave us a place as a moderator, I am now so busy becoming as a treasurer in another event until I can't handle the position she gave me, as a moderator.

Saying this, I am not underestimating the position as a moderator. In fact, I can't handle that position...I got to admit this.

Stop crapping me about "heart" in that particular society. Face the world girl, this is a reality. People who are interested in doing event are ambitious. Ambitious people when using in a right way will be a useful right hand man or a good leader. Ambitious people cannot wait for a year, when they are offered better offers, for your small positions.

Today, she said, "since all shadow comm are not committed..."

If this is only pointing at me, or the rest who responsibility for messing up the forum, then its alright. But she is saying ALL. GIRL, you don't put the blame on everybody, when problems occurs.

GIRL, you are definately not so naive to expect everything to turn out smooth, for an event to happen. GIRLS, we make event to learn to solve problems. Especially problems that are not expected and you were given a very very limited time frame to settle it.

We learn this so that when we were working next time, we are calm, we can think, we are able to solve the problems without getting sack, or bearing the-can-be-avoided consequences. GIRL, in Uni, this is a free lesson for us.

In the real working situation, we were always being challenge the impossible. Your customer force you to give a lowest price, with limited time for goods to be done. Your boss give you limited budget and perfect work. If you can't, then you are out. The world does not only have only you 1 supplier nor you 1 worker. You don't challenge, you don't grab, then you lost.

I hope somebody grab something from this entry. THanks for reading.

stress

I remembered once i told kelvin, I wasn't the Cheryl he used to know anymore. If I told him what I had been doing, he will be so disappointed with me. Yeah, I told him from the bottom of my heart.

And from the bottom of his heart, he said, "girl, everyone has her ups and down. I will not be disappointed with you, just by judging you at the time that you were down."

GOSH, I was so touched when I heard that. Yeay, I almost cried.

Its 3. I can't sleep.

I just did something so irresponsible. Maybe its responsible? It could be an excuse.

Well, I had accepted an offer as a moderator for a forum next week 2 weeks ago. My big event is on this weekend, which I will be so busy getting the income statement done by next week. I knew I will be busy. I reluctantly accepted the offer which it shouldn't happen from the begining. However, I did ask them to find a replacement if possible, nobody took it seriously.

For your information, what I understand about a moderator is that, somebody who controls the whole situation. Especially Q&A part, when nobody ask any question, the moderator will have to come out with question, spontaneously or by asking question inside the answer given by the panelist. At time when a panelist speak too much, you will have to stop them politely.

Also for your information, I had never been a proper emcee throughout my whole life. I never thought I can be a very good one for I am just a virgin emcee. Somemore is so challenging, not just reading your script. Somemore I am going to be so so so busy throughout the week, which makes me so have no time to practice or do some further research on the topic.

Thus, with all these "excuses", I am giving up all the effort I had did in the society, risking to be black listed, as I have just send the irresponsible message to the chairman of the society.

I am regret for accepting the offer. Regret for dragging it so long. Say whatever you want. I think I have my reason doing this. I hope 1 week time its not overly late for a replacement.

I am introducing Ian to them. I think he can do so much better than me and its kind of a good exposure for him since MIA president is one of the panelist. Ian, I will be so so so so happy if you can do me this favour if they approach you, coz your number was given...weehaa~ u are welcome to screw me :P Anyway,I really think you are so eligible for this.

Hii

Yeah, i know...I haven't been really updating...no need to remind me.

The past few weeks was really busy.

Our event which will be happening on this sunday, had almost drawn to an end by now. 4 months preparation...I can almost summarize everything out now. Its all like a drama and at the end of the day, moral of the story learnt. For one thing I wan to salute to the chairman, is his spirit of never give up. No matter how many people resign, how discourage the situation, the financial status, the people....I think most of the people, including me, will not have it. Its risky, yes...true...though what is not? Close our eyes for his leadership and judgement.

At the end of the day, I am really really very glad that I did my job quite well. Of course, that is not my work alone. At least, we are not making losses and earning quite a sum of profit. FOr the rest of the part, I think that is none of my business. I almost gave up in the middle, it was too tiring plus the management of this committee truly sucks. It can't be worse, I am not exagerating. It is very much on self satisfaction. I think I did what I can, and my part turn out to be so much better than anyone had ever expected.

Lets call it a day...i am very tired...

My new shoes..YEAY!