Result

Haih, my result is out. It is so so bad...until I have no courage to post it here. I will really study hard this semester.

The 1st week was kinda busy, which I donno what I am busying with. Went to 1U Shogun for lunch on Tuesday, thats how I skip the 1st tutorial. And guess what, gastric strikes me after my 1st dish....So my friend ended up keep scolding me for wasting money, coz I ate only 2 plates and ice cream. Whatever~

I am suffering gastric very often nowadays...So I ate whenever I am hungry now.

Today is Saturday. I am so enjoying it, nobody is at home, everyone was like so eager to go back hometown I donno why. YEAYYYY....I slept for the whole day...haha and I study a little bit. I really promise myself I am not gonna miss classes again, and try to sleep early before early class the next day so that I will be able to concentrate.

:)

Its funny la. Yesterday, the current Student Representative Committee's vice chairman come and tell me, he already nominate me for the chairman position next election, today, the chairman, whom we hated so much, whom re-nominate himself for the next election, pop up suddenly to chat with me in msn. Started by asking how I am recently, ask me how is things going and apologize if he had offended me in the Ball night event. Already feels damn damn weird~Then, he asked me if I am aiming for any position in the coming election. I told him, no...im currently the chair for CDS. WAHHHH he straight away said he gtg, and bid me goodbye~

Damn idiot.

3.34am

Something is so wrong with me. Every night I can't sleep, then I have no energy to go on with the next day. I am so so sick of it although I tried very hard to turn my time normal. How tired am I, I just can't sleep at night. I am very stressful, can't relax. What to do? I feel really tense. This is just the 1st week man. I already missed 2 classes. Tomorrow our class starts 9.30 until 4pm. And after 4, I have some society work to settle. I am really exhausted. Having gastric and headache now. Biting gastric the pill now. Feeling really awful. Saturday faster come...

Random

I didn't get any better. The surgeon said it takes time to heal though. I still have to take antibiotics for another 7 days before the next visit. So we will see.

Anybody in Sg Long have any activities? Im getting so so bored being stuck at home, now 4.58am, can't sleep. The f*cking dog's barks wake me up. URGH!

Kept telling myself, its how I look at life that determines it. But sometimes people really gets tired though. Why is it so hard to find a person who understands me? Whom I can rely to? These people always goes out of my life(not by my side), never mind coz ever since I remembered, someone will come filling in whenever one has gone. But this time, the space had been empty for so long.

I know I have to learn independent. But life cannot goes alone, we need friends. But friendship comes and goes.

I am crapping. 2 more days to survive alone before new sem kick of a good start.

A good news, I am elected for the chairwoman of Career Development Society. I had a really good right hand man, the vice, Mr Meow. I am so happy coz he is someone who can somehow neutralize me. That is something which I call compliment each other's weaknesses. Something like he is too acidic while I am too alkaline. Both mix together, we are neautral so we won't hurt any parts of the body. :) Can't wait to work together.

Enough for crap.

Ultrasound

If you don't have enough money, don't get sick. Take care of yourself. The film that cost RM 91 including tax.

If you can see anything...


The report...


The summary bill. Doctor's consultation fee, RM 88. Just to read the report from X-ray department and give some of his opinion and medication.

The antibiotics that cost RM 224. Each tablet cost RM 11.20. Enough for you to have 2 good meals every day.

I was like, "HARRR?? are you sure this is the amount?" when the nurse bill me.

No better

After 3 days of medication, it didn't get any better except it is now not so pain, coz I took painkillers. The lump is still there like it did, and there is a bit changes on my nipple, I am able to see the difference in color compared to both, and it sink in abit.

Went to a gynae today. She examine me, then advised me to do an ultrasound scan, wrote a referral letter to Cheras Pantai Hospital.

I draw out from the camp.

Its funny isn't it? I had been saying for hundreds of time that I wish death will come. When things like this happened, I am so worried and scared. haih... n I cried.

I look at the crying self in the mirror...so pitiful....the me standing said to her, "SERVE YOU RIGHT!"

Good luck to me. Tomorrow will go hospital.

Clinic result

Went to see the doctor after feeling so uneasy with the findings.

Doctor 1st asked me when I had my last period.

She was surprised, saying..."..how come, just had it..",
Then when she physically examine myself....she was muttering,
"...couldn't be, you are just 20.."
She then asked me to put away the bra, coz she is going to examine me with a mammogram,
she asked me to look at it, lucky no tumor or sort. *PHEW PHEW PHEW*
She said its some kind of infection in the vein of my breast. Which I am not able to find any information from internet. When I asked her, whats the caused of it, she seems to mean it comes naturally. My sister asked her, is it because of what we eat? or hygiene? Both she said no. Weird

She gave me some antibiotics, pain killer, and med that relieve swell. Asked me to go back to her clinic for another check up next week. Perhaps she worried too. But I will be at KL then. I think I have decided to go for the camp as usual on Tues, then when I am back from camp, go for a gynae in KL for another check up.

The medicine tasted ALL FREAKING HORRIBLE. Really sucks! I donno how am I going to consumed it for this much!

Couldn't sleep in 5.28am

Not that this is very unusual. I had been drowsing off at 6am and waking up at 4pm ever since month ago.

Just that few days back (Monday I supposed), I experience some pain on my left breast. Had been ignoring it cause it seems to be normal (I forgot before or after ) coz I just finished having period. Thought the pain will fade away naturally just as it always did, I didn't bother to make a big fuss about it.

As days passed by, the pain become more severe around the nipple area. Until then in my heart that I doubt could it be something wrong. The knowledge from television taught us that, most breast cancer are able to be detected from self examination. So, I exam myself and found nothing. Relieved.

Though, the pain continues to haunt me. More brutal today. It seems to be spreading and now I feel the whole breast is pain with just a mere shake of it. I decided to tell my sisters casually so not to worried them in a car trip just now. Naturally they asked me if I examine myself to have find any lumps. I said no. Perhaps that answer, too, ease their worries coz they make jokes about examining it for me. Big sis added that I should examine myself with my hand above my head.

I did not take a very serious note on it. Until when midnight comes, the sore still disturb me so much, then I decided to re-check again with my hand held up high above my head. To my great horror, yeah, I felt about 1cm slightly more solid flesh right below my left nipple. It is not visible though I feel it when I pressed lightly on it. Near to it was a very little piece redder color flesh. I did some research about it, its hard to find anything. Or perhaps I am too afraid admitting what I found out was the website suggesting me to consult a physician.

But I found out that its very least likely for a girl at nearing 21 to suffer anything that serious. I will tell sister about what I found out when they are awake and see if I really need to see a doctor.

An experience.

Actually my friends had been treating me real good. 3 offered to go Redang with me, somehow i politely rejected. Its not anything else, but quite ermm...outrageous and weird a bit to go with another guy for such a romantic place la. I think it will be kinda awkward.

People tend to get what they are longing for. So I got it. But there is always 2 side of me. 2 diverse side of me which fight which each other everytime. Often they fight till no end until somebody, a 3rd party came in to decide who win (which, they believe me in). Then the other 1 will rest in peace and act according to what people expect me to do.

Somehow, my attitude, perception of life worried my blog readers. Exception for him I guess. Yes, thanks for the warmest calls and mails and smses. It did soothe me alot and I kept reviewing the smses and mails and remembering what we had talked that makes me feel great somehow.

Thats it, the redang trip had been changed to a camp, with the objectives of getting more friends, learning more things, budget holiday, and more experience and great memories.

So out of desperation, I sms-ed him yesterday somehow. Intended to clear abit of our misunderstanding regardless of what. Just when the sms ended quite deperately good... today we are back to square again with no contacts the first day after so long something positive happened. I am as normal being very disapointed with that, after all the things happened, I wanted to believe people changed and people learnt. I had, after so long, identified whats my problem, I guess, that is how the sms ended good. Thinking then sometimes its his turn to do something in return, to prove my change worthwhile, but I am not surprisingly being disapointed again. Yeah, this sentence perhaps its unfair for him, "not surprisingly", *sigh* Let it be.

Its heart ache-ing.

While I was back to square today anticipating for his sms like usual, somebody in surprise sms-ed me. Asking me out for a tea, but I was outside with my sis. Too bad. Just happened that we coincidently met each other at some where the mamak, saw him with my bro. I was really happy to see him, really really happy, and coz they were no vacant table available, my sis offered them to sit with us, and he happily agreed to join us while waiting for their friends to arrive although my bro was kinda reluctant to sit. I didn't have any much chance to talk to him, coz he was so occupied talking with my sis and bro-in-law. The whole family like him so much. Both of us are happy to see each other. At least, he told me in his sms later. ;)

Another happy thing! Hippo will be following me to Sg Long tomorrow!!! YEAYYY!!! When I asked him if he wanted to come with me, he made me promise him that I won't chuck him aside coz he will be scared at some place so unfamiliar to him. When I said okay, he was still hesitating then I gave him a promising hug, and kiss him on his forehead, then we are like so happily in love, hahahhahahahahah YEAYYYYY~~~ he excitedly can't wait to go together with me!!!

Yeay, I am crazy with hippo i know. Who cares right? Whatever~

Neutral

So I decided to post it all now.

There is no who's right or who's wrong in relationship you agree? Everything comes both sides. If one resist it to happened, unwanted things cannot happen.

I cried so hard yesterday that I seriously thought I was going crazy. I was crying in my room, and I am not allowed to make any noise coz my sister is sleeping and her room and my room is somehow connected, thus she will hear it if I sob. I did, and I am not sure whether if she heard. I cried so hard that I had to stop breathing in order not to make anymore noise. And for both crucial times when im doing that, I lose my breath and all the heat and blood goes up to my head. I can feel that, coz I was in a very cold aircond room and I suddenly sweat very hard.

You know how is the feeling of helpless? Yeah~ yesterday I called for help. I was sincerely begging for help. The feeling is undescridable. Helpless.

We have been together for 6 months. Couples quarreled. And everytime we quarrel, be it small or big, he will just ignore it. Until perhaps 1 day when he suddenly call me, and wanted to pretend like nothing had happened. Of coz then, I was angry. You expect time can wash things away and we can go on like nothing ever happened just like that? And to have us carry on forever? IMpossible. Problems came, we must solve, we must talk things out and find a solution, reach a conclusion. Share out our feelings to make us understand each other more. So that next time, things will not happen again. He don't seems to think sharing is good. He never share his life with me. We barely talk. I don't understand him, I don't know what is he doing, most of the time until his friends told me. We don't sms, we don't talk on the phone for hours.

Whatever I say, he is gonna agree with it. I say break up, he will be ok with it, saying he respect my decision. I say, we together, he will be okay with it too. hah I guess he don't understand what relationship really is. I asked him, last time when I rejected him, why did he so determine then? Perhaps his love to me is gone.

A week before exam time, I initiated a msg, and then he called and I said this all out to him. We met and we talked, but I did not know how, the result ended up the same. He decided to have us talk after exam. I can not stand ignorance like that. I am just barely asking for a settlement. He want us to talk after exam. I am given no choice, and if I don't want to accept it, then he will do whatever I say, which has no meaning at all.

My friend asked me yesterday, to what extent that he did not contact you for month/weeks. I said no contact at all. He said, I take 1 minute to type a message, because of exam, he can't do that? Yeah, I found out I am just making excuses for him. Until now, I finished my exam for 6 days, he finished for 2 days. He did nothing.

Its hard to let down. Maybe I need time. This is indeed a bias review of what had happened. I rationally admit. Well, I never know and will never know what is on his side. hah, he will never tell me, perhaps he don't even care. He will not share like usual.

You know what? He read my blog.

Midnight

When midnight came...here I come...

I started to think
I started to miss
I started to think
I started to cry
I am so lost
without you
I am so sad
with nobody to share
I am so mad
without your touch
what can I do
everything is wrong
I donno how you are feeling
where is the doctor?
cure us
where is the god
lead us
where is the fate?
bring us
where are you?
hold us
waiting
despair
shattered
dying
this...
is just 1/4 of me
2/4 is sleeping
1/4 is living

Posted on 8 May 08

All the result is out. Bad news, I need to sit for supp. Good news, is a D, I can choose to sit or not to sit and I won't need to repeat the subject even if I can't do very well. Just that it will lower my CGPA.

I guess this is the best outcome. It teach me a lesson and it don't let me fall too hard.

Yesterday I wrote a post name, "pitiful confession". Don't have the courage to post it. It will be posted automatically 2 months after yesterday. So we will see, how am I 2 months later.

The pity confession...

Came back hometown. Still. Emotionless. Had a talk with 1 of my very good friends. A long lost friend who understand me more than myself.

He said...

sometimes u think too much

over sensitive

n ur expectation kinda high

guys ll hv pressure being wif u

dunno wat u wan

or dunno wat u lk o hate

cant predict ur behavior

dey r affraid of doing somethg dat u don lk o make u angry

so in the end doing nothg is the best

do more = wrong more

do nothg= no wrong

I seldom dare to share the true weak, soft me. Perhaps this is what Cancerians are. I am so afraid of being weak, losing my shell I will be a nothing. But keeping it will just make me and people around me miserable. What should I do?

I am depress, but I act as though nothing had really happened. I kept anticipating for his contacts. But I don't want to admit it. I really pity myself. I told myself, after exam he will find me. After his paper he will find me. At night, after he wake up from sleeping he will find me. But none. I wish to cry all things out. But I am just feeling so emotionless now. I don't want to lose him. But how can we be together again? God...what should I do? He is the man I wanted, but he is not the boyfriend I wanted. Am I making him so? Am I the caused of it? he seems to only treat me like this. I have so many doubts. Although people keep telling me its not like that... its not my fault...but I am still doubting. Perhaps, I am just a very bad girlfriend, thats why making him a bad boyfriend. When I am crying now, what is he doing? Has he forgotten me? Is he like what my friend told me...making excuses for a breakup when a man ask for time to cool down for each other....

God...take me out of here. I am killed. I really miss him. Moments like this, I am afraid to admit that I wish to die. Coz people will get so worried and they will think I am so useless. weak. I am truly defeated. I want to be gone. I want to go a place that nobody knows me, my past.

This post was written on 7th on May. Schedule to be post 2 months after.

I need a holiday...

Hey, I really wish to go Redang any date from now until before 26th May. Nobody accompany me, basically everyone is so busy with their life and I don't pretty much have a life now. Some feel awkward going with just me. Who is interested for this trip? I really hope a miracle will happen that someone will initiate to go for the holiday.

I have some urge to go for it alone. I am not joking. :)

I am emotionless...shivering.
I keep breathing...keep keep breathing...

Childish

Im pissed with one of my housemate.

The thing was like this....one day, he put in his msn private message...saying, "Actually I already withdraw from university...so don't ask me to study". --->coz we were having exam and he wasn't studying, so whenever i see him, which is very rare, coz he rarely come out from his room or go out of the house, I will ask him to study, as a concern.

I was concern and thinking perhaps he will be moving away means then. So I asked him, is that true. He refused to answer me, fine...and he turn me round and around like I am an idiot so really curious of knowing about him. FINE. It was annoying, I wasn't very happy about it. Coz he never seems to care, if he is moving out then, we will need to find someone to replace him. Well, its basically none of his business after he shifted out. Probably he don't care at all.

So today, he came and asked, "have you finish your exam", remembering that incident, I didn't reply him for around 2 minutes, then he asked, "is ur keyboard spoiled?", I said "no". He asked, "no for exam no finish ur keyboard?" I said, "no for keyboard din't spoil, for have you finish ur exam = why should I answer you?"

Thinking he didn't answer me for the last question, I was basically just doing the same thing as he did to me, only that I am more straight forward...no turning round and around treating him like an idiot so desperate to know.

Guess what he answered? He scolded me ASSHOLE. Man, I wanted to tell him everyone has an asshole...why so big deal of saying me that. Having him as housemate I didn't want to make the tense tenser. And I don wan to be equal standard like him, so rude. So i kept quiet.

I was really offended. Then, he put his msn private msg, "You're pretty, but doesn't means that you can act like an asshole"

GOODNEESSS....can I know exactly how does an asshole act? Does asshole know how to act?

Come on la...I think I haven't been scolded with rude words by any one seriously.

I am disappointed with such a man exist, worst he is my friends' boyfriend!!! I am sad for her, pity her really for having such an ungentleman boyfriend.

I know it might sound like I started it first by asking why should I answer you. But HEY, that sentence was basically meant to be joking. The rule is broken once he scold that vulgur words, some more put in his msn.

I regret not saving what he had typed. I should have send that to his gf. and maybe spread that around. Such a disgrace of him really. I really pity him, pity his gf, and pity myself as his housemate. I really can't stand people rude like that, somemore towards a girl who is his housemate.

Bad news, I officially broke up with my bf. Good news, I passed my audit. So I most probably will only fail 1 subject. Good luck to myself. As for him, he surely will regret someday, just like how he sounded in his blog last time, and the whole thing is gonna repeat again. But the difference now is, I ain't gonna give him chance to shattered my heart again. Its all too late. When I cried alone every night in my room, he is nicely enjoying somewhere out there.

We sang K just now, going Genting at 8pm. Sunway Piramid tomorrow, Seremban night. I love my life like that. FUN!