Friday, November 30, 2007

Great

This is (I cannot find an extreme word to describe)..... Now, 4.04am, I can't believe my brain is working non-stop since 7pm. Its crazy~

We had a 5 hours meeting straight just to come out with good budgets.

Its great being involve in mega events involving 70k plus. You seriously will see other things as very small when you are into such a big thing. You learn so much about people, how to deal with people and how you should take pressure. Its really really great to pressure yourself to the extreme part sometimes. Coz it pushes you to your limit or even better.

1 great thing I learn today which I really want to make myself remember. There is really a better way dealing with difficult people. Instead of making not-so-nice comments directly, hoping the person to turn better, you encourage, trust and appreciate that person more to motivate that person to become better. Rather than being comment, people tend to accept more when positive words come into us. That really works for me but I never work this on other people. Come to think of it, yeahh..i think it will work on alot of people.

Someone in the meeting just now practice extreme patience, calm and the thing i mention just now( appreciate, motivate). *salute*

After all...in a team, we have to strongly keep in mind 1 thing, everybody wants the best for the team no matter how the fellow brings up the issue.

Life like this is fantastic!



I love it!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Words - speaking

A "please" "can you help me on...." "thank you" can change so many things...somebody just didn't realize. The tone of speaking I mean.

Lesson : DON'T TALK LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD OWES YOU SOMETHING
DON'T EVER THINK YOU ARE SO WANTED ALTHOUGH YOU ARE..

Come on, be a bit modest. Let everyone do things willingly and happily. Make people's life better. At the same time, you are making your life better. Somebody are just SOOO BOSSY. If you have quality then its still ok. (I am doubting so much to type the word "ok" coz I simply think its not very ok :S)

Hey, even our prime minister don't talk like the citizens owe him ok? Nobody can't live without who or what. Don't think you are so big deal. When somebody dislike you, people can just live more miserable life just to see you unhappy. For what are you making yourself like a clown?

If one day this kind of people fails, the whole community won't pity him, but laughing at him.

Before you put all the blames on people, think what you have to change yourself. When your finger is pointing at somebody, 3 of your own fingers are pointing at yourself.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Leadership-motivation-influence-power

How does leadership comes into a person? I don't quite agree it comes by practice. I think it comes by attitude. A leader have to be someone who is willing to accept comments, suggestions, ideas and help. A leader must have the attitude that everyone have their strength and weaknesses. That include his/her own.

So when a leader is willing is accept he has his weaknesses, he will take other people(his team)'s strength to compliment his weaknesses. Give it 20 people complimenting each other weaknesses, if there is nothing as perfect, at least this will be a good team.

Trust, motivate, influence and power. As a leader, obviously you definately cannot do everything on your own. Well, thats why you are called a leader, so your job is to lead, mostly. Not to work everything out yourself. When you can't trust your team, then you should consider your leadership have some problem. Bear in mind that if a person in your team, want to do something, he/she will push away all the obstacles him/herself without you even asking him/her to. So what makes him/her think those sacrifices are beneficial/appropriate/worth? It goes back to your leadership once again. Your motivation skills, influence and power.

Somebody are just born as a better leader. That directly means that person have an attitude of a leader. Modest and influencial.

What is a good leader when someone is trying to help you, giving you opinions/suggestions/ideas when you push everything away with "you think so easy ar?"

It is definately not easy at all to be a leader. You should accept the tough task, take it open heartedly and try to strive for the best. Not pushing away everything by not trying and saying that kind of sentence.

Frankly speaking, if I were being calculative, I will think I am not being appreciated. Why am I "kepoh-ing" when what I need to do is get the scope of my job done? In fact, my suggestion is meant to have let the team moving better. I don't get anything extra, BUT i let you pour cold water by suggesting to form a better team. Alright, next time i'll just get my job done...thats it. The rest is none of my business.

This is a bad team. I think there is better way of rejecting people's idea at the same time let the person know that his/her effort of suggesting is being appreciated.

Obviously this entry is pointing at somebody. Don't ask me who, maybe thats you!


A leader is a good name. But actually a leader is like a beggar to his/her team members. Especially when you don't pay them to do work. Your team members think you(leader) owe them something because they work for you willingly without getting anything in return. But team members will never think that the leader isn't paid either for all his/her efforts, including letting the leader have to bear the consequences when something goes wrong.

Leader is not easy to become. Normally good things people don't thank you or they won't think you are capable or good. But when bad things happened, everyone will start pointing their finger at you.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Random

I come across a blog talking about friends. It was so true then I started to think. You can have many many friendses. Hmm...like too many for you to handle. But face the fact, how many are reals?

Then I started counting, recently :

.
.
.
.
.
.


Arghhh...i better not name it, later some are out list then I get myself into trouble. Anyway, I can easily name 5. Its not many, but those are the people that I let them know I was in trouble. I am very lucky. God loves me I guess. hahaa :)

Same things goes, you may keep yourself so busy. So busy until you seems to be unable to cope up with your life. Creating excuses for neglecting a part of your life. Running away from the problems you do not want to face. Yeah its fine. But for how long can you get yourself so busy? How long you can be sure you will be busy? A week? A month? Forever?

Come on, are you sure you won't have a little time that you are free at night, and you start pondering, why?

Its better late than sorry. This time round, it won't be "its too late" but "Its over".

Sunshine comes after rain. Time is a major factor. Once again, all my friends prove me I am lovely. I really don't know how to thank you all. I love my life because I have you guys. Sincerely, *hugs*.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

the missing photos

All the missing photos that I had failed to upload for the month of November...

This is it, during the deepavali...went to explore The Gardens on my own...



This is nice...

This is the 1 day damage i made to myself...i donno where all the water comes from, but when you are sad, you just can cry non stop. Its a mountain of really wet tissues...

Yeah~ I want to remember this part of my ugly life too...

The next day, trying to act confident, to build it up hopefully...

So it ended that night, and I decided to go back on 11 Nov 2007. 2 years ago of the date, I claim myself to be the happiest day I had...


We started here, ended here.

So I came back Bp, and found this book. A course I went last year. Had totally forgotten about it.
When you remember that course, you try to remember all the juices you once got, and you once again live up your life. Here was a part of it that i think its so meaningful...(click on the picture to see the writing)

The taiwanese speaker told us, life is about all these.... is JUST ABOUT ALL THESE. Is on you to choose what kind of heart you are using to face everything. So, you choose...


Staying pretty is one of my build up confidence way... Like I said, when you are confident, you own the whole world of attractiveness...attractive comes with security.



THen, i seems to stand up a little, and got myself back to Sg Long, farewell my friend Shupin and meet up with my new brother, Sawinder Singh. Many of my friends are aware of my problems then. Thank you for accompanying me. I love you guys... :)

Im really glad he is able to believe in me so much, i mean Sawinder, although we had lost touch for so long. He is really a great, fantastic guy. I bet he is not gonna read this, but im telling you if one day you read this, I will not disappoint you! I swear! Your believe in me has strengthen me and lights up my life. I sincerely thank you for being there for me.

The J & Co, brought to me by Vivien. I just call her, telling I am feeling like eating this, immediately she appears in front of me with this. Its really really great to have friends....I really love you guys la.


Then, I met up with Scotfield. He is so cute!!!!





NEHHH, though scotfield is very cute, I still love hippo the most! hehehe...hippo is beside me now. BLERKSSS~

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Expectation

Its very good to have good friends around...they make you understand things you don't easily in just a click.

When someone become somebody(a role), you will expect him/her to meet that expectation. Lets say, your father, you expect him to take care of you, to give you food and daily needs. You expect your sister to pay bills when you are eating a dinner outside(normal expectation). Errmm..you expect your gf/bf to sacrifice their time for you, to do something for you. Things like that.

So, this is all what a normal human would expect from that particular role. What if, the real outcome is lesser than you expectation? Thats bad for people who can't handle well. Like me.

I think communication its not a bad way. Let him/her understand the expectation. Come to a compromise.

This post is a fully crap la...@@ Good Morning!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A talk with mum...

When my mum don't talk to me like we, all of us owe her happiness, I actually loves to talk to her. My parents are a couple of VERY smart and brainy people. Really, they had gone through so much and they are so wise, so convincing. By actually JUST talking to her, I learn alot of things, and will have alot of thoughts. Mum is really a genius!

We are all very smart wise but when things involve relationship that comes with love, we are all doom. Thats our weaknesses.

Yesterday almost the whole family went to help out on family business. 1 of my cousin, who is running the business met an accident. He was the business right hand man since my dad was around. With face swollen, bruises all over, he still went to work. A whole set of responsibilities, he work 363 days a year. The business is simply very hard to go on without him. Although I do nothing, sitting there only observing... *sigh, I have only 1 word, "kek xim". It means heart ache in hokkien.

The uncle neighbour of our business told us, my dad was really good at the business. The business is more to making very quick decision in quoting the price. Mum said, the uncle neighbour told us, thats his talent that none of them(the whole business line people) gotto learn. He drop price earlier than people when the market is bad, increase earlier when demand is high.Until todate, they still salute and respect him. He had created a history in the line. The whole town still known us as LC's daughter/son. I am proud. Just too bad.... and after he left, everything was mess up, we begin losing one by one...until now.

I felt a mixture of angry and sad at the same time. Seeing all the problems and thinking of this business can let my dad once earn so much, why it becomes like this today? I have the urge to stop my studies to help running the business, really. Mum would have disagreed, sisses will support me I guess, if I insist laa. Afterall this is our OWN business. Whats the use of getting a degree, working from 9 to 5, earning your boss's money?

I am speaking about all the assets my dad earns, that until now we are still enjoying since 12 years ago, a family of 6.

Our conversation was interupted by the accounting firm's mail boy. I hate him. And mum realize we had talked too long... EW~ she said, "wahh..talk with you I many things didn't do already".

I feel she felt is a waste of time talking to me. :( I was actually discussing with her about the business, hoping to understand more, and try to come out with solutions.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Lost and found

When someone loses her confidence, she loses everything.

her self,
her dignity,
her pride,
her beau,
her value,
her conscious,
everything.

A little something came back to me today. Indeed, home is a good emotional hospital. I spend some time on my own in the bedroom to figure things out. As long as I keep reminding myself, "a mountain is higher than another mountain", thinking of how many times I thought that's the one for my life, thinking of I am still so young... I've seen too far, something that is unreachable is imagined the most beautiful. I forgot thats just what I imagined. I can only sigh, something when its not yours, its not yours lar...

I am being spoiled of getting what I want. If I can fight this rationally, I am sure I gonna get whatever I want. Just that confidence loses me. Before fighting I already expect to lose. The more I am afraid I will lose, the more I lose, and the next thing is I am losing. Thats me... A spoiled pretty lady. Hahaa...

(JUST DON WAN TO ADMIT SOMETIMES I LOSE TOO! SH*T)

Every stupid thing that I've seen so hard becomes easy, casual now. I have yet many other things to achieve. Pausing just 1 second for it is a waste of time for that silly matter.

Family warmth

Although I am back phsysically, 12.58am, I am a failure, I didn't come back 100%. A part of me was still there. I am shutting a door in my heart, making it a dead end. When is this going to last?

Funnily when I was boarding the bus, guess who I met? Hah, my bro. He sat exactly the same bus, and right beside my seat. Nobody knew he is coming back. So I was dumbstruck.

I never sat so close and so long beside my brother, felt kinda weird. We talk for a few minutes...its hard to find a common conversation. I dislike talking with him. But it was kind of great to have a kin sitting next to you when you are so down.

The whole family was so surprised and almost cried. Bro was caught back, for working in UK. Was in jail for a day...then sent back here...He didn't want anybody to worry, or trouble picking him up, so he did everything on his own.

Mum just got back a few minutes ago. She gave bro a hug. I was upstair, she was damn happy, almost cried. Bro was the family's treasure. For this, I am glad that he comes back. Coz he manage to bring some warmth to the family. Mum came up, damn happy. They thought we arranged all these, although I explained its not. Its purely coincidence. Anyway, mum gave me a hug too. I almost cried doing that. Its been so long since I was sincerely hug by her, and I really need a hug for the time being. Really glad my bro comes back.

Back to the square, before I came back, Vivien said, running away is not a way to solve problem. And I told her, thats the last thing I am able to do now. Yeah, indeed. This 2 sentence exactly mean how I felt now. Sorry for making you guys worry. I will be alright. Soon.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

So, I left...

I guess I will delete all the weird post soon...Really, its ego and pride. Hate to let people see the ugly side of me. I am writing this at Pudu KFC, while waiting for my bus, I on my lappie and found there is WiFi here. Great!

I wanted to do this since long ago. But I just have too many unsettle things. At this point of time however, I cannot care anymore. I left behind so many responsible, all I can say is, I am sorry. I really need to take care for myself once in a while. I mean, do things for myself. I no longer able to stay at KL anymore, its no longer a place that can let me stay anymore.

So I left so many things behind...I hope I won't bring all the shit back. :)

I have to thank Poh Yee for taking over me. I have to thank Wendy, I didn't see clearly what message you sent to him, but i remember you said you treasure me. Its touching. Love you as always. You never fail to pour me love. :)

Sorry for being so irresponsible. I don't like this either. Its been long long time since I do this kind of thing. Maybe the last time was on January?

Okay, times up. Its raining, I am shivering. I haven't eat for 24 hours. Goodbye~

Saturday, November 10, 2007

A lesson

After decision is made, no room for regretting. So I shall go with it without doubts anymore. Thanks. I understand many things again. On why am I acting this way and so.

I am gonna be a good Shi Yee from now on. Not that previously I am no good. But a better wan onwards. 4.52am now, I am quite happy. Today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow and day day after tomorrow I WON BE WORKING!!! I sleep the whole day today. I woke up 7 something(used to it), den sleep back i think around 11 something, and the next time i wake up, MY GOD, its 3 something PM. Goodness, its been long long long long long time since I sleep so tight already.

Life is getting better. Let things be natural. I love myself. *wink*

Life is good. Lalalelu~

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Oppurtunity

I didn't sleep the whole last night. Don't ask me why, this few days, I always wake up with nightmares. If I am not wrong, these few nights I have been talking on my dream. Then I am being awaken by the frighten of my own voice. IT happened many times already. I am not quite sure that is a whole dream or what. Maybe I am having too much tension these while. Just maybe la..

I didn't like Robinson laa..although the guard there was nice. I didn't know anything and they guided me friendly on how should I go through the whole process. Get to know some interesting people there. And hell yeah, some of the workers there keep looking at me as if they never see mei nu before. And try to smile smile with me but i ignored. Mood wasn't good. My feet is killing, that fuckup heel is going to squeeze my skin out. Should have bought a more quality want!!! Robinson don't have chair for you to sit. So you gotto stand the whole day.

Today is Deepavali, so many people was there since early in the morning. I really saw alot of rich tai tais. But the happiest thing is I saw many families, dad so close with their kids, and mum doing shopping. I donno why I really like to see that kind of scene. Guess it will never happened on me. Mum never follow us shopping. And its hard to see us a family happily together. Haihhh

Anyway, about the opportunities. Hahaa, maybe today i have luck or something la. I was offered 2 attractive jobs there. 1 was AIA and another was OCBC. The sales executive happened to be my ex colleague(Southern Bank, now known as CIMB). So, they happened to be selling credit cards there and met me again after 1 year. So he asked me why stand at Robinson become a vase. Keep convincing me with a very good bargain...and says, he just need to help me talk talk then can start work already. Another reason is I will get to know OCBC managerial people, then it will benefit for my future career in case I want to work there after graduate. I am seriously considering very hard. Its really a good bargain but I am being tight up by society work. I cnanot be irresponsible to throw everything away. A promise is a promise. So i think I am forgetting that opportunity.

And we talked about Cheryl's(not me) sister. I was told she was all the while top sales, in whatever bank she work in. She was hired, with basic salary 2.7k, allowance almost 4k and her sales at least 10k a month. Its crazy rite? Anyway she has resigned and went to Australia already. That family is crazily tough people.

Tired

Well, I realized im tired mentally and physically. I guess its more to mentally. Though I am still trying to be very positive, but when things always always don't go with ur way, its hard for you to feel nothing at all. You understand?

October was bad laa...yeap, it seems to have improved. So I hope this month will be greater.

Anyway, yesterday was nice. You guys donno i started working rite? Yeah i work at mid valley as a promoter now. Jus 3 days a week. I go there by bus and ktm which takes around 2 hours to reach. That almost killed me everyday!

So yesterday 1 of my hometown friend came. He treated me Sushi Zan Mai at The Gardens. OMFG, the salmon there was VERY VERY NICE. We ordered a very special thing, like a small steamboat, then inside got many nice mushrooms, vege and the soup was nice. Then, they gave us raw beef slice and an raw egg. You have to cook the beef then dip it inside the raw egg while its hot. And eat straight like that. At first we thought it was weird and kind of "geli". But after trying, MY GOODDD.....thats the happiest food I've eaten.

Then we went to 1U to catch a movie. Its "Shrooms". I almost feel asleep.

Alright, another nice thing is, he fetch me with his mini cooper. haha, its red. This is my 2nd time on his cooper. I still think that car is not nice to sit, although its nice. It is even NICER when you put down the roof...let the wind blow. But ytd was raining abit, so he just let me felt it for a while.

Ok, its 12.24am. Tomorrow I will be working at Robinson. Guess what, tomorrow is my 1st day at Robinson, and they arrange me to take care of the counter alone. I don't even know where heck is the staff entrance. I gotto find the counter myself, then i was given a key to figure out how to open the cupboards. Goodness, i donno how much is the price of the jewerlery even~ @@

Wish me luck. The management is fantastic! They are running out of people~ forgive them.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Abdullah said...

"My style is to shut my ears when someone speaks nonsense. I prefer to focus on my work rather than entertaining unconstructive talk."

"But I say it takes strong and bold leaders to allow others to talk. It takes bold leaders to forgive and forget and to give somebody a second chance."

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Tarc Friends

Hmm...this post drag very long already...never really spent time thinking of it...



Kelvin, Kimwee, Jen Wai, Chin Hon, Hon Fei, Kian Teng, Chyi Siew
Me, WeiJin, Chai Wen, Vivien, Bee Ken.Its funny rite? This is the complete family picture, with 7 swords.



We were really really close...3 semester, 1 year...we skip classes, we go Redbox, we go sunway lagoon, we go genting, we hang around at Canteen 1 and yum yum park, we go movies, we go shopping, all together. We eat buffet and mix all the food together, then challenge everyone to try (our culture), until hon fei vomits, we call it an end. We exchange present during christmas...haha, a while shoe box of sweets...then we became santa claus giving strangers sweet at the canteen. Memorable.


Remember our m5A3 crazy gang? Mr superam? And the old woman taught us public speaking? I forgot whats her name..never really bother...seldom go to class...


The story goes like this, this pic is really memorable. The guys, all said to wear red on that day. Coincidently the girls, all come with red t-shirt that day also. We swear, the girls didn't discuss it before hand. I was the second last girl who reached for the class...Laugh to hell when I saw half of the class wore in red!! GOSH, even more awkward when we walk along tarc. A gang of ang pao...we don't really dare to walk together...people keep staring at us.



I was chatting with BeeKen. Then she asked how are others. Sadly, now the 12 people that are in the picture, only 4 still studying here. Some work, some apply for other Uni.


I donno...but college life is only a year...its much more fun. Until now, I've been at Utar for almost a year...I hardly remember my classmates' name still. We are still trying, really hard. I guess next year will be a much better one. Appointed a PR in the class. Hopefully he will have the whole class supporting him. Hahaa

Ok, enough of it. Look forward good girl! :D

Eternal Love

I don dare to say I finally truly understand what is the meaning of love...After these ridiculous struggle, I am in deeper understanding on love. I started to believe the existence of it. Mind my words, i said I started to, didn't say i truly believe. I am waiting for it to be proven. So lets see ;)

Many people who are deeply in love with their gf/bf for more than years have this in their mind. They believe she/he is the one. Totally into it with trust and faith. They accept any obstacle optimistically because they think those arguments, distance and whatever, are stones on the journey to create better understanding and smoother journey in the future. They take those challenges happily as they have faith both of them will counter it easily and they will see lights at the end of the tunnel. Its believe.

When I ask them how are you sure he/she is the one. He/she will not hurt you? They said they trust and have faith in their other half. Thats it. Easy.

Maybe I've failed too many times. Too many times people told me, there are better one for you awaiting...until that this concept is being planted in my brain...so when a little obstacle happened, i tend to think that way.

I was too afraid of falling down again. Life is about how you pick up your fall bravely and try walking again. If a baby didn't dare to stand up and walk again just because baby have fallen down many times, forever she will not learn how to walk and I won't be walking freely now.

Let me say it, although I hate to admit that. I think my tears and my kilos worth the lesson. GEE* My tummy is sooOOOo freaking flat that I don't believe thats my figure! I am at my thinnest moment. But it won't for long i guess. I am so sexy now. WAhahaha

I started to believe...Hope you will too...I'll be a good wife. Haahaa!

Anyway, am I still emotionally very unstable or every body have moments like that? Haha Hmmm, I do not deny it seems to take forever when it is happening. Its awful crying the wholeeeee day. Yeap, I mean the whole day! Though, I am surprise at how fast the process finishes.

This lesson worth learning.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

A meaningful Crap

Maybe I should just relax. Thank you Night Avenger for giving me hope. No matter what is going to happen, be it fake, at least u made me feel better when i was so down. :) I stop crying after we talked. Maybe you are the only soul that understand how is life of being so afraid, without love. You are great to have change your fate and noble enough to bring love to people like me. Whatever that is going to happen in the future, you have my deepest gratitude.

Thank you anoh. You always allow me to have my own lowest moment. I didn't know why. Ignore me when I said I am so down like that. Now i figure out. Not that you don't care. You just believe in me that i will be alright, that I need time to have sorrow moment and I will stand up even stronger when the time is right. When I am ready to stand up, then you will give me a hand and pull me up. Don't know whether is coincidence, this is what everytime you do to me. You are just fantastic!

Many times, I kept forcing myself to come to a decision regardless whether I am ready to take it or not. Then, when im not ready...when I can't abide to my decision, I thrash my life. I put my life into a yes/no situation. I forgot nothing is so definate. If you really can't solve it now, maybe you should let time washes away everything until you are calm enough to solve it. Put it aside until you are ready to make a decision. :) Forget it a while...maybe when you don't force yourself, you'll be really surprise on the outcome. It is easier than you think. 2 years ago, thats how it work.

Finally, my spring bounce back. Life is really too heavy a burden for someone to bear alone. Thank you for putting so much effort on a nobody.


To you stupid,
I'll remember...you once love me so deep...once believe me...once care so much about me, once sad for me...its a pity but nobody can help it. I am sorry you've met me.

I'll remember...all the things we had once done together...you once did for me...although its real short, but you are special. I love you.

No matter what is going to happen, thank you...you once gave me hope. I'll still be here. You know how to get me.


At this point of time...i'll just wait for good things to come. When its yours its yours...when its not, it won't be yours. I have accepted the fact. Don't expect so much. Don't ask for so much. Just let things be, allow surprises to happen. Just relax.

Relax

What Colorgenics says -->when im so down

You feel worn out, physically and mentally. Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

The unwanted situation in which you presently find yourself is causing you considerable stress and frustration and your feeling is that whatever you try to do to remedy this is to no avail. You feel trapped. You want to get away from it all as you feel that you are banging your head against a brick wall getting nowhere. You have turned your aggression inwards and you are furious with yourself for not being able to achieve your goals. You need to go away, somewhere where there are less restrictions and where you can be free to make your own decisions.

You are worn out and lack both physical and mental energy. This lack of vitality has created an intolerance for any further excitement and you feel that you just cannot carry on; but you have been like that many times before and the situation passed. You again need to get away from it all - even if it is only for a little while. A relaxed body cannot contain a destructive emotion and the secret for you is to just relax.

Friday, November 02, 2007

I can't take it anymore

Im really sorry to write this post out...i don't like to...but like in the tittle...i really really can't take the pain anymore...this will be a very messy and long post...

I didn't mean to blame anybody...i didn't dare to hope for anything...i can't sleep...i cannot don't think...i lose control...yesterday this time, i was thinking back what had happened...i punch my bed and drop tears..i was angry...its pain...i slept only 2 hours. TOday i went out, i make myself extremely tired, hoping for a good sleep...then i wouldn't have energy to think any more...but no...im still awake till now...i wan to say...its so pain...so pain...so pain...so pain....so pain....i really can't take the pain anymore...

Im crying again....its so pain that i punch my heart hard just now...amazingly i seems to feel better after doing that...but it just help for a while...its so pain....i donno how long i can bear this anymore...why? why must it be me? why life is so unfair to me...i keep telling myself...everything happened for a good reason...all the while...i tried to not think of those unfortunate things...seeing things on brighter side...but why? after so long...all these feeling come back and haunt me again...im like the me 2 years ago..again...but this time is different...i don't have hazel and wendy to keep calling me again....im alone now...nobody understand...nobody try to understand...

I am sorry to say this...i really wish i can die instantly....i know im a failure to have said this...i know im useless...i know many other people are worse than me...i know....but i can't bear the pain, really....it truly hurts...I wish to die because i can't bear the pain anymore...everything that happened...why it haunts me back again?

2 years ago November 11, i was at port dickson...Miracle happened...i tot i had everything i wanted....after so much hope, determination, sacrifices, believe, love, tolerance, time....finally...the day had come....I claim to myself that that day will be the happiest day in my life. I wanted myself to remember that day...and i did...until now...

But all those become shattered hopes...everything is fake...maybe i was too naive to believe beautiful things could actually happened to me....haha i donno wat i can do now...its all out of control...i know its funny...this is totally the opposite of wat i've written in my last post....i keep read and re read wat i had written all the while today...keeping myself strong...reminding myself...i try to convince myself its ok...i watch drama and i go out...i make myself so tired...den i can straight away sleep...but i just can't...once im alone in the room, off the light and lie down on bed...it haunts me again...den the pain become more and mroe unbearable...when im with nobody, i don't have reason to act strong anymore...

I did try my best to be ok...i had been trying really hard....i do...im sorry i can't...i have no more energy...i can't move on anymore...help me....save me...

I really wish i have courage to end all these pain....A monk once said, "if you have courage to commit suicide, why have you no courage to face the problems..." Its funny...I have no courage to commit suicide..i have also no courage to face the problems...all i have courage to, is writing this blog..crying inside my room...n keep saying...its so pain..its so pain...haha...i really laugh at myself...im so idiot...im a bitch...i write this blog maybe is to earn some pity...den people will leave comments...call and sms me...hhahahaah...what the fuck...now im laughing...

what do i really want?

*3 minutes later*I laugh and i cried writing what you've just read...i just dried my tears....the sky is brighter now...sun will shine again....ok...im feeling better...try to sleep now...hope i won't ended up writing the next post like this again...I hope i can fall asleep now....im so weak...

7.10am-- i read back what i've jus written...n i cry again...now im smiling...what am i doing?

Pls do not mention to me abt wat u've read...just pretend nothing happen...don't tear my happy mask...thats the very least thing i can act...to be happy...thank you.