I can't take it anymore

Im really sorry to write this post out...i don't like to...but like in the tittle...i really really can't take the pain anymore...this will be a very messy and long post...

I didn't mean to blame anybody...i didn't dare to hope for anything...i can't sleep...i cannot don't think...i lose control...yesterday this time, i was thinking back what had happened...i punch my bed and drop tears..i was angry...its pain...i slept only 2 hours. TOday i went out, i make myself extremely tired, hoping for a good sleep...then i wouldn't have energy to think any more...but no...im still awake till now...i wan to say...its so pain...so pain...so pain...so pain....so pain....i really can't take the pain anymore...

Im crying again....its so pain that i punch my heart hard just now...amazingly i seems to feel better after doing that...but it just help for a while...its so pain....i donno how long i can bear this anymore...why? why must it be me? why life is so unfair to me...i keep telling myself...everything happened for a good reason...all the while...i tried to not think of those unfortunate things...seeing things on brighter side...but why? after so long...all these feeling come back and haunt me again...im like the me 2 years ago..again...but this time is different...i don't have hazel and wendy to keep calling me again....im alone now...nobody understand...nobody try to understand...

I am sorry to say this...i really wish i can die instantly....i know im a failure to have said this...i know im useless...i know many other people are worse than me...i know....but i can't bear the pain, really....it truly hurts...I wish to die because i can't bear the pain anymore...everything that happened...why it haunts me back again?

2 years ago November 11, i was at port dickson...Miracle happened...i tot i had everything i wanted....after so much hope, determination, sacrifices, believe, love, tolerance, time....finally...the day had come....I claim to myself that that day will be the happiest day in my life. I wanted myself to remember that day...and i did...until now...

But all those become shattered hopes...everything is fake...maybe i was too naive to believe beautiful things could actually happened to me....haha i donno wat i can do now...its all out of control...i know its funny...this is totally the opposite of wat i've written in my last post....i keep read and re read wat i had written all the while today...keeping myself strong...reminding myself...i try to convince myself its ok...i watch drama and i go out...i make myself so tired...den i can straight away sleep...but i just can't...once im alone in the room, off the light and lie down on bed...it haunts me again...den the pain become more and mroe unbearable...when im with nobody, i don't have reason to act strong anymore...

I did try my best to be ok...i had been trying really hard....i do...im sorry i can't...i have no more energy...i can't move on anymore...help me....save me...

I really wish i have courage to end all these pain....A monk once said, "if you have courage to commit suicide, why have you no courage to face the problems..." Its funny...I have no courage to commit suicide..i have also no courage to face the problems...all i have courage to, is writing this blog..crying inside my room...n keep saying...its so pain..its so pain...haha...i really laugh at myself...im so idiot...im a bitch...i write this blog maybe is to earn some pity...den people will leave comments...call and sms me...hhahahaah...what the fuck...now im laughing...

what do i really want?

*3 minutes later*I laugh and i cried writing what you've just read...i just dried my tears....the sky is brighter now...sun will shine again....ok...im feeling better...try to sleep now...hope i won't ended up writing the next post like this again...I hope i can fall asleep now....im so weak...

7.10am-- i read back what i've jus written...n i cry again...now im smiling...what am i doing?

Pls do not mention to me abt wat u've read...just pretend nothing happen...don't tear my happy mask...thats the very least thing i can act...to be happy...thank you.