Promoted

Its the year end and its time for appraisal... hope I am able to fast forward the track...

I really wish I could..

Wish me super luck ~

Days

Heavy rain..another fantastic day.. Dono why work seems to be pilling up and up, and I really doubt if I can cope it..

I am an extremist!

I am a weird person..when I can't be sure about I would be happy picking calls, going out, or unhappy settling at home, I set my hp into airplane mode. Until I'm sure I can take either 1, This is not the first time I'm doing such a weird thing.. Like I can't decide whether this guy is good or not, I keep myself away from all the guys.. Yeah~! I jus need a he'll peaceful life. So if u love me, please stay away!

Needs vs desire

What we need and what we really wanted sometimes, is so far apart. Huge gap.

Maybe...I had always been finding what I wanted, and never did I realized what I really needed. After I found what I need, I lost what I want. And there it goes, vice versa.

Then, balance comes in.

Balance is like perfection. Impossible to reach.

A courage

Love requires alot of courage...and I had been questioning myself, what am I searching for?

I had always known clear what I want and what I need. But I tried and it always ended up a failure. This time, I make a 180degree turn. Lets see what will happen...

Bad day

When you don't appreciate everything that you are having...

Life is so messed up~!

And

Fucked up!

Short update

Day passes with activities quickly everyday. I pack my schedule full and tight, because I am afraid of quiet. Just when I have 2 to 3 hours of more time, sitting down, nothing to do....everything start to comes back.

Life is good...

The Latter path

Two roads diverge in a yellow woods...I always choose the latter path..
Is it because I am stubborn? Or I believe...so strong?

I had fun, I enjoyed, but I am still missing him. I did everything to stop him from contacting me again, knowing that will be good for me. Always, I am regret for what I had done. I cut my hair short to remind myself, what is done can't be undone, regardless of you are happy with it or not..

So I tell myself its no big deal. Life goes on and soon, I will find someone better... but its been 2 months, why am I still anticipating his return that I have delayed so much.

I still firmly believed that he will return. And I hope when he does, I am not the same anymore. Perhaps god is playing us. I know when he return it will be too late. Time is not right.

I am fine.

At the same point

I know I am still circling at the same point, refuse to go out of it. I still cry every night, asking why, why all these have to happen to me??

Sigh

What is wrong with me? Can somebody tell me? Why its just me? again and again...

I didn't believe he can be this cruel...at some moment when I am really depress, I really felt like dying right in front of him... But frankly, I am scared that he would not even care at all.

You know, at times of so so down time, when he and I are so messed up, perhaps this is the time that we really evaluate the other, after seeing that person's ups and down...whether or not we can still accept each other or we condemn and judge each other through the last thing did.

THanks

Thanks everybody for the concern and support.

I need a help, to find somebody to replace him to go Sipadan trip with me. Just have to pay for the transfer name fee, around RM 400 plus minus.

Flight, accomodation and some meals provided together with snorkeling... 16 to 19 Sept. I really need someone to replace him, coz otherwise I will be staying in the hotel room alone.

I still didn't know how I should talk to my sister about this. She is pregnant...And only begining of this month I told her, 1 of my friend(male) is going and he will be sleeping in the same room with me. She felt really weird but didn't asked much. Before that she already suspected something weird because I kept telling her probably my friend will be going but when she wanna asked further I always refuse to tell her more details...I was so scared of something like this would happen back then, but I thought nth so bad could happen since we were going quite steady for the past 4 months...n who knows..

Now everyday she is pestering me about my friend's flight seat number and add on to luggage weight...

Most of you wanted me to just tell her the truth. I never told her I have a bf, and now I need to tell her I broke up and he isn't going anymore. Begining of the month I only told her add 1 more friend and his ticket is booked..

Haih...why I have to clear this mess?

Yesterday I actually requested him to just go this trip with me as a friend...so that I can finish with my sister...but he refused...

Updates

I was so into proving things right that I got lost. I lose faith.

I am the best, I will succeed...I need to motivate myself more and gain back my self confidence.

Victory!!

I am so happy today. After all that had happened, I am a better me now.

Thanks for letting me know who he really is!

By the way, I guess he pester his ex so much, and talk bad about me so much to her, and in the end she said something bad about me, saying I was doing small action behind...

Nevermind....wish her best of luck. Some people just don't fall never know pain. Or perhaps he is really a changed man, for her? hahaa

She deleted me from her fb, I was jumping happy.

Temper

I will not lose my temper for the next 3 months...

I would like to challenge that!!!

Another turn in life...

Life once again hit me to the lowest...

The relationship went wrong, I would say it was because of me. My subconscious mind is controlling me too much, by the time I realized, its already too late. Life only got 1 chance. Once you missed it, its gone...

Understanding was not there, though I have no right to expect anything..

Life goes on. Just as it didn't hit hard enough, my work gave me a big shock, and it totally goes opposite of what I thought. It hit me real hard...I am scared to face my office tomorrow...

I am just so sorry for what happened to myself. I have no more energy to fight now. I will only do what I should really do, and let things go naturally and wait time to pass and heal all the wounds...

Life goes on...no matter how pain, how hard, tomorrow will still come.

I wish to be alone and to myself now.

Believed in Kharma

If I were ever right...

Guilt is the noblest revenge. There is good and bad in every human. Don't do too many harm to others until when 1 day you decided to be good, all the bad things you did comes back to hunt you. You know, you have a long bright future. You will possibly have daughter in future. If god can't punish you, god will punish people you love and treasured most. Can you imagine your worriness when your daughter is born? After all the lies to girls that loves you and treasured you? That kind of guilt will hunt you forever. The hurt you will have to bear seeing your daughter being punished just because of the things you did now? Exactly the same thing that you did to other people will come back to your daughter or to someone you loved, I am not cursing, I am sharing with you before its too late because I have been through this but nothing so bad of that sort. I hope you can be sincere to things and people around you. Doing good because you really wanted to. Not because you are afraid of bad things that will happen, in the end you are lying to yourself. Be sincere, god knows and god is watching. Face all the bad that you have done bravely, no more lies and no more harm to others. Find back your peace and conscience at the same time find back who you really are as a human. Don't blame anything for what you are today, we are responsible to our self conduct. Every good and bad done will be accounted wihtout any excuse.

You can't make sure you are always being spared by good energy around you in your entire life. You have many years more to go, it is impossible that your life will be forever like now. When you are not as rich as you are someday, when everything start to turn down...

I may have sound like I am cursing you..But my intention is good, I don't have to convince you or anybody to believe me. I do not want to revenge or wish something bad could happen to you. I sincerely wish you can repent. Whatever you will become in future, it is none of my business. I don owe you anything, I treated you sincerely, although I may not have done good enough. I may be silly or stupid, but what I do is what I really wanted to do. I am happy with everything that I have done. It is really hurting for me, but this few months means nothing compared to 20 or 30 years to come. I am glad of what happened, be it real or not, I am happy this few months.

Thank you.

Only if I were ever right...If not, you can just read it as leisure.

Really?

Last Friday, I hardly hold anymore. While I was working, many times I stopped myself from crying. I tried not thinking about it. FInally, working hour finishes, and I am able to be myself again.

On the way driving back home, I almost lost my soul. It was raining so heavily and I was driving in very reckless manner. I cried to myself, finally, I am able to express myself. I tried to be, I tried to be wise, but being wise means lying to myself.

So until Saturday, I decided to ignored whatsoever to try and tell myself, perhaps what he was saying is true. On Friday the girl told me, and somehow, she makes me feel she isn't a very good girl after all. She has quite some low EQ, I over estimated her. Many things that she did and wanted to do, was so way out of expectation. Something like getting involves parents.

I forgave him. And believed his side of story.

HI

Hi friends, its been really long ive neglected this blog. I guess friends whom are still reading must be somebody really loves and concern about me. Aprreciate that and really thankful.

I think I am really lucky to be born as what I am, but sometimes being me its not really good itself.

Early this week, I found out something that I would have settled down happily not knowing. I felt responsible for ruining another girls' life. Maybe she really do not need to know the truth. Its really cruel for her. Accidentally, I almost become a 3rd party. Or perhaps to her, I am already is.

LIfe is funny, I used to scold those who spoilt ppl's relationship, a bitch. BUt now, *sigh* that is the reason why I really can't forgive this time. Perhaps I will regret 1 day. Maybe he is really true.

But there are too many maybes in the world. I need to protect myself. And believe in myself.

Life goes on. sometimes i wish to cry out, but I couldnt. I did some jogging today, I just wish to run my lung out and forget about everything.

I am doing better than I thought.

JUMP JUMP

I SO FUCKING LIKE MY BAG,

but i can't shout it out...coz i am trying to stay low profile, and

I AM SO FUCKING LIKE MY LIFE NOW!!!!!!!!


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA

Burberry

Let the picture do the talking... its sinful, its guilty, but its exciting, and its addictive~

The funeral

Munchy's boss passed away last Thursday. He was a successful and good man, at least as far as I know and many others.

I saw his body on a coffin, it was much sader than I thought I would be. No matter how good, how much you have contributed, how many ppl you have helped, how successful or how rich you are, when you are dead, you start a new journey in another way. Here, you are just a thing inside a box...

THe funeral was really grand, discourage flowers but still the whole place is like jungle now. He was put in his mansion and there is "cab" circling around the area, to fetch most of the people that have to park their car far away. Many ppl went to help out, in and out.

Hope he rest in peace, although it was somehow like accident, but he is really old.

My work

The best thing about my work is that despite being so so stressful, every time I brought documents for approval by our GM, he would gave us some words of encouragement and understanding like.

" the 2 markets you are handling are tricky and very political, you are very lucky because once you do well in these 2, then you are higher above level"

"how are you taking in everything? you are still new, give yourself more time...don't pressure yourself too hard"

;)

Things keep changing...

My working stress has reaches its limits, that for the first time in my life, after 1 month of working in a new company, I burst out crying. I felt so helpless when customer pushes you, you trying hard enough, you have not enough time, and internal staff scaring you and scolding for not doing everything in the right order. But I have really no time. I have no time for water/toilet. Seriously...I think I got the whole sales team so worried. Luckily manager is at China. Everybody really gave me a hand. Hope and pray, tomorrow my stock is ready inside the container...god bless me.

A while I thought its going to be good. After 1 or 2 weeks, things change again.

Am I taking things too seriously again?

I have lost all my confidence. Stop believing things will be good for me.

I give up easily, I surrender to fate. I have no energy to fight nymore. I will not make sure anymore. Lets just go with the flow, and let things happen. Everything will be alright when you least expect it.

Its a peaceful day. THank god for that.

Saturday @ Fruity Cherry Mini

New member of the family...

Work

My work starts to get pressure as I am still new. Many things needs to be follow up, and I am still in a blur kind of situation. Though quite interesting, I like the job. It will just take time for me to blossom.

Something happened yesterday on my job. I am in charge of Pakistan market, and we appoint agent to get order. Many agents in the same market.

So yesterday was the first day of the month. Day before we had a meeting, and the manufacturer association (according to our general manager) said that critical is the condition now, with raw material (high demand low supply) and customer ( low demand low supply). Interesting eh?

So everybody are trying different strategy. I was told to annouce new increased price. To all agent together in 1 email so as to convey the message that we did not favor any agent in the same market, all are given at the same price. And I guess 1 of the agent was too panic to see price increase, he immediately reply that he is going to place order already, still waiting for customer's confirmation, therefore he would want things to be in old price.

Everything was right except he reply send to all!

THen, when he realized that, he send a message to my senior, my Ass manager and manager, saying that I leak out p&c info to outsiders. Wuhoo~~

I was afraid. seriously, when my AM look at me, and asked did I send out information to outside...we didn't know which he were refering to. I thought I send the wrong mail to the wrong agent or what...

She checked my mail and found none. And she guessed its the new quotation I sent to all agents together. Then she receieved the mail, regarding that particular agent sent to all others agent and me, revealing customer's name.

She called my manager to explain, they were all in KL's exhibition.

Today morning, that agent's boss sent 2 email, to manager, AM, asking why did I send that mail to all, it causes his employee to leak out info, making all the others agent know that those customer's name, and therefore other agent will approach their customer.

Exciting? 2nd week of my job.

Short weekend

Working life is so boring. Now at bp, people keep telling me, WOW, so nice u only have to work 5 days a week. But I did not felt anything anything. Coz it has been like that all while, for me.

Maybe I really have to learn how to appreciate EVERYTHING.

Fri night went to Penthouse with a friend. Then we tapao-ed the very nice imported beer and went to Dreamworld until late night.
Sat morning i went to tint my glass, that cost me RM1300 with carpet installed!!!! @@ I so run out of money. Don't know how, or if i will survive. Hope my credit card bill come later this month, haih. Oh yea...my new car!



Then at night went to mee pub. I was very fun, can fight with KL's club. Until 4 something.

And today, I forgot that I have a movie to catch with my friend. Rush there and got in just in time. It was a good movie but I don't like to watch movie so stress and scary. But overall Sanctum is a nice show, i watched it in 3d.

Later I went yumcha with 2 rounds, reach home 11 sth, and now its 12!!!

Life is good. :) Very good indeed.

When you have made up your mind. Its past, so I shall accept it and let it past. Let it go when you have tried your best. There will be no regrets. Somemore he really isn't a good guy~ at least this thought have been consistent all the while.

So decision is made. I shall go on with my new life.

Thank you for all the support my friends gave me. Especially a few person that keeps calling me, Alex, Hungene, Manjit, Yeong Hann, Wendy, my brothers, Dicky, the family. Thanks for always ever ready to be there.

Cry

Cry until sleep, wake up continue crying...

I don't even dare to go downstairs to face my family. My mum came to my room just now. I was on call talking. I knew she saw my eyes, red and bulky... but she didn't say anything. I feel really glad that she pretend nothing happen. She just ask me to help out in the kitchen when I am okay~ and ask me to get something to eat. I have not taken any food till now.. but i don't feel anything. Maybe pain is the only feeling I can feel right now, and that feeling makes me feel I am still alive.

I can't stop crying...

Why am I still alive?

Friends say I am turning circle in the same place. Refuse to walk out. I don't know how to walk out of the circle.

I wanted to end my life...

Love is not about 'its your fault' but 'Im sorry'
Not 'where are you' but 'Im right here'
Not 'how could you' but 'I understand'
Not 'I wish you were' but 'Im thankful you are'

Fall in love but not stumble,
be consistent but not too persistent
share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand
and get hurt but never keep the pain

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else,
but its more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love.
Only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it
if he is not worth it not, he is not going to be worth it a year or 10 years later.
Let go.

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expected it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

Love isn't about becoming someone else "perfect person"
Its about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go.
The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

June 03

Last year June 03, I was proudly in love. Thought this is it, thought finally. Since the beginning of this January, every hope shattered. God knows how ache my heart is. I don't know how I survived until now and how long will I still survive with this. How stupid I feel for giving up everything for this unworthy man. Who doesn't know how to appreciate, and only knows how to criticize. Who doesn't care for me physically and mentally. Who is so fucking selfish and irresponsible. Today is valentines day. Another occasion, celebrated alone. If last year was a bad year, make this year a good one.

I hope I can go through this. If not, bless me. No matter where I ended up to be.

Worst

I always think of the worst situation, and imagine it to happen before it ACTUALLY happens. In the end I got myself so scared of the worst and got myself so depress. Didn't everything just turn out to be smooth? Who can correct my mindset when I start thinking about the worse?

I hate this habit of mine. It is already over for "prepare for the worst". The worst always haunts me until things happened to be smooth/bad.

Haven't I have enough prove?

I really need to improve this.

Very tough...

I am really learning how to accept it. He wanted to break up with me. I am trying to say it to my family and friends, so that I will be able to go through faster...I can't make myself to.

I can't stop crying..I am not okay~

What can I do to end this?

Somebody pls teach me....

I am afraid, so afraid of doing anything might caused him more frustrated...

Flash back~

I browsed back my post back on Nov 2007. I remembered it is exactly as what I am feeling now. I try to search on how I survived in the end,and roughly how long it took. I think its around 5 months time. I wish to get through it, really. I have too much time thinking on my own. Everybody is too worried about me, it gave me pressure. I don't know if I am able to receive love from people that just love me. I grow up earning love. Not being love for no reason. So its hard for me to accept love. I will either reject or think that is fake.

I realized I have a very bad concept, I don't deserve to be loved.

A new life begins

Ever since the news of my tender started to spread out, many of my friends and colleagues outside my dept starts to concern about the reason for leaving and care about the next plan.

Especially last week and this week, every day there are people treating me eating nice food, to bid me farewell and to wish me the best of luck. I am really very touched. Eating expensive food and helping me.

I started to ask myself, what happened to me? Is this really so not a place to me? It wasn't that unhappy before this, yeah then I started to remember. Since when I became so unhappy here?

And 1 by 1, the reason started to come out. It was me, maybe I was too impatient, or too eager to find out whats gonna happen next.

Its all started from a relationship and a promise that I will get back to Malaysia. Duration : 1 year.

As 1 year is getting nearer, and as the relationship gets weaker due to the long distance, I get more agitated and upset.

To go back, first condition I would need is to buy a car, and make myself financially stable. So that at least, my family wouldn't yell more about the come back? With Melbourne trip (1 week) on May, and Sipadan trip (4 days) on Sept, I am giving myself far too heavy pressure, to the extent that the only way I would survived is to save and save as much money as I can.

Imagine, the me as you know, so cannot-stay-at-home, going home everyday after work, and most of the time, skipping dinner. Just stay in front of the computer and having the bf did not have enough time to accompany, so basically I just face the 4 walls IN my room for the past few months. How would I not be depressed? I spend less than $5 a day. Tried my best to choose the cheapest food available, eating 1 and half meal a day.

1month:

$60 spend on transport. Enough to and fro from my company, I even walk to work sometimes now.

$180 max for food

$80 phone bills (too generous, but it was fixed amount. It is supposed to be paid by my bf, but too bad, empty vessel makes the most noise, and worst, he refuse to make good use of the money, saying he is too busy to talk, too tired to talk)

$27 on broadband

$420 for rental

My spending shrink more and more as every month pases?I also need to pay $767 for my early termination for my Iphone contract if I go back to Malaysia. So with so much in mind, I started to un-socialize my life, having to know that once I go out, dinner or what so ever, money is in concern. So I stop going out with my colls, and lock myself at home every single day for about 2 months +.

All that I do, is for what?

As I was longing for more costless company, he asked me do I have nothing else to do beside this relationship?

He would say he did not asked me to do all these. As if I am too stupid for doing all these thing myself.

Yeah, I do all these willingly. Just because the relationship is getting weaker, and I wanted to be by his side. As his wish too, initially. And because he asked me to come back. Maybe he didn’t really mean it, who knows?

1 month before this, me and my bf were still happily together. With him, being restricted by me, for don-go-out-so-frequently-with-ur-friends or till too late.

I was depressed after do self-torturing, i claim now. And I broke down. Go crazy.

He cannot take it.

We had endless quarrel.

I decided to resign. And go back. Believed that things will solve, if i go back.

He felt pressured by my craziness and he said I was being too emotional on deciding stuff.

The fact was I can't take this kind of life anymore. I wanted to end this, at least he will be by my side and we would solve the problem together when I am at Malaysia.

We were not in good terms for more than a month, last 2 weeks, he agreed on the break up(when I was too crazy and emotional to initiate it).

The next day, I begged him not to leave me especially at times of me in desperately need of support.

He said we calm down for a while. He go out with his friends happily, forget he has a relationship on casually, ring me up when he likes, and ignores when he don't. Claiming he is so busy and tired. For 2 weeks. But it was like years for me. He never care or concern. Carry on with his carefree life. Without burden.

He asked me, if I have any other thing to do than this relationship.

I asked myself, do I really have nothing else to do beside in a relationship?

Why am I doing all these?

I am pursuing the life that I wanted.

I want to settle down.

But with who? Him? Only god knows, and its for us to find out.

I just want an answer more quickly..

It truly hurts, deeply.

Why am I doing all these? Will the "come back" guaranteed long lasting happiness? No. If no, then why not guaranteed the happiness for at least now?

I am stupid. Because he did not ask me to do all these. He just asked me to come back. COME BACK is all he says. When I tell him, I have many liabilities here in Singapore, and I am still financially unstable to go back, he just told me, “you can make it, other people make it too, why not you,I can survived with the salary now”. That was his solutions for me. And I figured out myself in the end, I survived at last, but he never concern how did I get it through, did he? In the end? What is it all for? And he chose to hurt me and the relationship(I believe) for calming down too long, for not understanding. And when I was so so depressed, he did not catch my fall but chose to push me aside and let me face everything on my own.

Is it true that at times of difficult, you see a person’s true personality?

I knew everybody was looking at me with 1 kind of eyes. Disappointment for the decision to come back and give up Singapore so early.

But they still refuse to open their mouth, maybe they trust that in the end, I will come around, in sound mind.

I want to settle down. I am tired of a life like waves.

Lets comment.

My fault

Once said, everything happened for a reason. If you have not found the reason, maybe you just have not try hard enough. Or if you have try hard enough, maybe the TIME have not arrive for you to understand...

I am weak in consistently believing in many things. Coz I believe too that we must be a survivor, things changed, environment and many things changes. So we should flow with the situation. But believe just cannot be alias with surviving!!!

I had a long talk with my friend, after a hug, I feel he is like a brother more than a boyfriend. So I still believe that we can no longer love like a couple, I hope I am wrong for this...coz he isn't gonna accept my weakness and I also believes in karma, which happened to me that I had not gonna my ex's weakness before this. Sincerely hope somebody can prove me wrong...

Oh I so regret...haha because only now I understnad, but its too late and is happening to me now.

Give me a frog and I definately going to doubt if he is going to turn into a prince and while a little bit of me believing so, I would still not accept him for being a frog.

I am so crap rite? Cannot tahan myself @@

I just need more people to make me believe by telling me how to, that it is going to work, after letting me convince them that it is not so.

I so know what is happening on me but I just couldn't help it. So, HELP ME!!!! I don wanna become an old woman alone till old can?

If 1 day I can stop doubting my believes, I can be a miracle wonder woman, do you believe it? Hahaha I seriously believes that.

Only if the ifs happens...

p/s : environment is utmost important for a communication to happens.

Money is the root of ALL evil

Im facing the new question in life. Should I go back BP or stay at Singapore?

I really dislike Singapore. Its definately not a place where I want to be. Besides money, almost nth I like about Singapore.

Who really knows what is gonna happened in the future?

At least NOW im sure this is not the place I wanted to be. Rite?

I had a talk with my mum. Makes me feel i really dislike her. She asked me when I wanted to come Sg that time, what did I say? I said if i go working at KL, I would not want to go Singapore later. Like what is happening to my friends. Until now, I still agree with that.

I said, in the beginning, the thinking was too naive. Many things unknown before this was known about Singapore lifestyle, and all. So how can we then said, the decision was wrong then? I shouldn't have came, this n that? Maybe this life is good for others, but not me rite? I am not them correct? So what? Escalation of commitment?

She told me, 2 years later, you might say again, that your thinking now is naive too.
So she isn't gonna tell me that she will support me no matter what. When I asked for her support again and again, she laugh and say, am I just going to force her to fakely support me? I regret making the call to her. She is still as hard as a stone. Refuse to be our mother. I think she prefers to be the advisor rather than our mother. Every body in the family knows and just bit our lips hard. I know I just played on fire for trying.

What I need is a support from her. Whether she supports my decision or not, I will still think carefully and think about her advise before making the decision.

I think nobody would support me. Thats really very sad....

Coz everybody is gonna think their own reason why I choose to go back instead of staying here or some other big places. Is so not me, I know but can I ask a question? How many ppl really think they know me? The me now?

I don't owe anybody an explaination. Im tired of being expected of what I should do for my life.

Big D

I check mate my company today...

1 manager, 3 ppl in Costing, 2 Costing officer resign today! Super shiok..

but I am guilty for it.

My manager face straight turn black.

There are many reason of me doing so. But still it serves me 2 ways still ( I believe). To turn back or not to.

For both, surely, it is a better way.

Thank god I am courageous enough.