The pity confession...

Came back hometown. Still. Emotionless. Had a talk with 1 of my very good friends. A long lost friend who understand me more than myself.

He said...

sometimes u think too much

over sensitive

n ur expectation kinda high

guys ll hv pressure being wif u

dunno wat u wan

or dunno wat u lk o hate

cant predict ur behavior

dey r affraid of doing somethg dat u don lk o make u angry

so in the end doing nothg is the best

do more = wrong more

do nothg= no wrong

I seldom dare to share the true weak, soft me. Perhaps this is what Cancerians are. I am so afraid of being weak, losing my shell I will be a nothing. But keeping it will just make me and people around me miserable. What should I do?

I am depress, but I act as though nothing had really happened. I kept anticipating for his contacts. But I don't want to admit it. I really pity myself. I told myself, after exam he will find me. After his paper he will find me. At night, after he wake up from sleeping he will find me. But none. I wish to cry all things out. But I am just feeling so emotionless now. I don't want to lose him. But how can we be together again? God...what should I do? He is the man I wanted, but he is not the boyfriend I wanted. Am I making him so? Am I the caused of it? he seems to only treat me like this. I have so many doubts. Although people keep telling me its not like that... its not my fault...but I am still doubting. Perhaps, I am just a very bad girlfriend, thats why making him a bad boyfriend. When I am crying now, what is he doing? Has he forgotten me? Is he like what my friend told me...making excuses for a breakup when a man ask for time to cool down for each other....

God...take me out of here. I am killed. I really miss him. Moments like this, I am afraid to admit that I wish to die. Coz people will get so worried and they will think I am so useless. weak. I am truly defeated. I want to be gone. I want to go a place that nobody knows me, my past.

This post was written on 7th on May. Schedule to be post 2 months after.