Outdated : "I am sorry"

A relationship is most of the time hurting to me. Maybe I am unlucky. Love or not love, rejection or being rejected, it both hurts me. I don like to hurt people. But when I am to, no matter what, I will choose a person whom deserves to be hurt more. I have to be fair although I didn't want to hurt anybody.

You tell everyone how bad is the situation, I remain all the while silent, becoming the bad girl..not being understand. I do not really mind coz I do things accountable to myself. I don owe anybody an explaination, I don care how people think of me, as long as my conscience is clear. Well, maybe you didn't realize....But can I have my own reason too? Love is about giving, giving is a GIVE, you understand the meaning of give? Give is when you hope nothing back in return. Silently make her happy. Keep giving without hoping or expecting she will give you anything back in return. This is the truth, and this is what he did to me. Until now, he still never, never ever request anything in return. Even when he knows the existence and story of you, he never mention or say anything bad about you. He just told me, do what you feel like doing. That's it.

1 word I say, " I don like people smoking".... Smoking had been part of his life, 3 years...but few weeks after I said that word, i see him quitting. I see him being miserable doing it, I told him you don't have to. Simply because I don't want him to do it for me. Coz i can't promise to give him anything back in return. I didn't want to, not intend to. And he didn't expect me to. But he just did it.

Unconditional love he proved to me it exist.

That's what I did to you last time. I keep giving until 1 day you truly truly hurts me. You asked me go to die. Frankly speaking, that day i was sad. So I wasn't really really joking. I told you that. I said "although I may sounds like I am joking, coz i don't want to make it sound too serious. I will scared people off." You take it as a joke maybe, or perhaps you didn't care at all. How can you risk me, how could you risk my life under your hand, when you didn't really know how true are those words? Even when I've warn you I may not be joking. How could you risk a life...From then on I have made up my mind. And yesterday you told me, you like me all the while, since we've met? Is that what you did to the person you like?

Words you say and what you did, is not at all match.

I still didn't know, since you've made up your mind last time, then why change? You already used your action to tell me, you are not determine. If i were to give you a chance, I donno when you will make a new decision and said things to hurt me again.

How can I not touched by what he did to me? Both of you started chasing from the beginning. I gave you chance. I didn't give him. He is the people...that slowly slowly creeps into my heart without being notice. Being a friend that silently gave me extra care. I never show a clue that i knew all these. He didn't have any idea how I felt or do I even feel anything. From the beginning that I gave u a place in my heart, I gave him nothing. Until now I still gave him nothing. Imagine that.

What are those thing that you did to me, compared to his? Are you able to stand on my view and see it? Can you be rational enough just for a while, put yourself in my situation....you tell me what should I do?

I only found comfort in friendship. He makes me believe, he show me assurance that I will be safe in his hug. I still didn't walk in. Because love always hurt me, except friendship one. Understand me. I tell you now, first and last, I don't dare to love a person deeply. Coz I had a very bad life. Very bad experience in life about love. If 1 day i got married, he will be my partner, not my lover.

This post was written on 29 September 2007, 7 months ago. It was a comment on a blog. Decided to post it here as a remark for myself.