Friends when I am down, believe in me

Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
until now i still not sure if i will regret
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
sounds like changed alot
Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
yeap
life dream changed
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
what's ur dream now? be someone normal?
Cheryl says (11:59 PM):
be a good mum good wife
-Nicholas: says (11:59 PM):
=D
u sounds to be a good woman now
Im damm suprise of it!
-Nicholas: says (12:00 AM):
it's a good thing though
=)
last time u was too ambitious
Cheryl says (12:01 AM):
really?
-Nicholas: says (12:01 AM):
but good also
lol
ya
but no matter ur previous dream or current dream
u was always looks great
has own thinking
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
the way u insist ur thing is kindda enchanted
Cheryl says (12:02 AM):
not anymore i gues
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
hmmm
dont give up so early
life is a long long journey
-Nicholas: says (12:03 AM):
maybe the previous 20++ years...u hasnt know what ur dream really look like?
or maybe even now...this is still not ur final achievement?
we experience as time goes by, and we are still finding....
-Nicholas: says (12:04 AM):
don't lose ur confident and insistant so fast
it's ur specialty
=D
it's ur signature that defines u

What is love?

If love is to be an action, it is so so far away...
If love is to be a voice, it is quite far too...
If love is to be a word, it will be nearer...
If love is just a click away, it is everywhere, I believe...

If love is love, why does it have different?
Do we love only when it is convenient?
When it is smooth sailing?
Or regardless what...?

I am finding love...
people may have a lot of courage to love,
but did not want to sacrifice,
I am just right opposite...
What is love?
Where is love?

People,
If tomorrow I die...
will the action of love still as far?
Will you give me a hug,
let me know you love me?
Why that difficult to get love?
Am I using threats to get love?
Or sacrifice my life to prove love?


When we know we are about to lose it,
or lost it,
only then we start to realized?
Give me your love...

Where?

Over the year, things keep changing. I think this is the most drastic changes happened in me throughout my life maybe. Plan changes, life changes, environment changes. I am kinda exhausted. I tell myself to accept the fact that I am already working. And I will be working for the next 10 years I am sure. Study life had ended. Accept this fact is exhausting enough for one.

The change of my future life-plan kind of change too many things in me. Many times I really doubt if I am sure all this is what I will want, after working and achieving quite a number in the past, am I ready to let go? and start all over again? When unsolved problems start arising one after another, sometimes I gave up and go back to the middle of the crossroad again. All and all, I feel I am so wasting time, first with starting all over again and second with the doubting and stopping there, thinking.

Until now I am not sure. Time is so precious. This makes me feel so frustrated and angry with myself.

Despite all the existing troubles I faced in work, life now is kinda quiet and boring. I like that. But its abit solo, cause eventually I start to ignore friends, yes I do, and start to avoid crowd.

Sigh. After all that I have built up!! I am so dilemma.

Conclusion : maybe my ultimate problem is I just cant made up my mind and just GO FOR IT without looking back.

Letting things go...

The beginning of letting things go is always seems to be difficult...or maybe impossible... Very funny... people like to create their own obstacles in mind. Before they do it, they would think how hard it is, or how impossible it is...we always create a bearer for ourself. When in fact, after the 1st attempts tried out, it is much easier than it seems.

Some people think letting go its an end. While in fact, everything is just a beginning. As much as I thought its hard to let go, it is as easy and I thought it would hurt. Yea but its just a little.

People used to tell me that, if you let go and it comes back, then its yours. If it don't, then its not yours. The question is, what if it don't come back? If we don't start letting go, forever that question would stay unanswered. If you wanna find out an answer, you have to start letting go. I guess we have to start to be honest with ourself, face the truthful fact. Life isn't everytime out of your way. Believe! and have faith!

Life is just a gamble on fate.

Today I tried something new out, something that I thought I would have cared so much, but the fact is, I did not care as much. And the answer is, it didn't come back. Perhaps it haven't. But I think I am impatient to find out("I think", is perhaps another obstacles made for myself, I do not deny the possibility of that).

It hurts, by the fact that the answer isn't very favorable? Or the fact that I didn't care as much? I donno..Though I guess its the latter....

Good nite people! Filled me with love pls...lots of hugs... thanks!

A lesson I learnt

Just a short one before I call it a day..

As much as you want to prove the things you said were right, so does the other party! In a disagreement, someone could be right. If a person must be right, another person must be wrong. So proving you right gave you the feelings of satisfaction. People tend to forget, it has exactly the same effect inversely.

If proving yourself right gave you satisfaction, it gave the other person dissatisfaction.
If proving yourself right make you feel you are cleverer, you are just trying to let the other person know he/she is stupid.

If we no need to prove him wrong, and let him/her find out themself, that is a win win situation. Just sometimes, it takes time. But if time is not a factor, learning ourself is much better than being proved wrong.

The real friends

I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends about this issue before. And after getting their feedback, I assume this theory is super right!

There are certain friends that will leave you after you have a bf/gf because they dislike people whom forget their friends after they have bf/gf. Some friends will get angry because after you have a gf/bf, you start to forget about your friends(they claim). Some will even let go of the friendship because of this reason. Stop helping you when you are in need.

To us, the question is, what is a real friend?

We have 24 hours a day. After minus sleeping, working time, own private time(bathing, driving, eating, etc) and others, how many hours do we really left? Can I say, less than 5hours? Besides friend, we have family. Do we really have enough time to have it all?

I think that is quite impossible. A gf/bf is somebody closed to us after family. And friends surely come after gf/bf. I assume a gf/bf is someone you will make them your family later ( I am not talking about those gf/bf that were just having fun, or those that you fuck around). So it depends on which one you treat as priority. Which type of life you seek as more important for your future. If you wanna spend next century of your life with your friend, then spend quality time with them, that’s understandable. But make sure your friend have the same goal as you, that they wanna spend next century of their life with you too! Which is quite impossible.

Back to the point.

To me, a REAL friend is the people that will understand what is important FOR your life. They won’t get angry when you don’t spend time with them because they understand that you are planning your future, for a happy life. But when you call them for help, even after not contacting them for so long, they will be there for you. Or even you don’t meet them after years, you still have many things to talk about, you won’t feel weird after not contacting them for so long. REAL friends UNDERSTAND what you need to focus in life, and yet, they are there for you, and you know it. They won’t let you choose between a gf or friend, because they know what is good for you.

Even if not so…Would you rather risk losing your gf/bf than risk losing your friend? If you can CLAIM understanding from your gf/bf, why you can’t claim understanding from your friends?

If he isn’t a real friends for now, even you keeping in touch with them, neglecting your gf/bf, they will only be there for you when it is CONVENIENT. They won’t help you when it is inconvenient. But talking about convenience, I think any people can/able to help you when it is convenient. To me, you don’t need to spend too much time, I seriously mean it’s a waste of time to spend time with these people. Time is so precious, so spent quality time. Be productive for your life.

When we wanna help someone or do something, we don’t just do it when it is too convenient. We would sacrifice to help or to achieve something we want in life.

I have plenty of friends like this, PLENTY, yes. Im so so glad, in life I make good friends.

Do you have any?

Life is quite fair. What you do now is what you will be getting back for return in future. No pain, no gain.

Time can prove things right/wrong...

If a gf needs to create a havoc to get your attention :

The caused of it is you don’t pay enough attention to her :

It could be because you are too busy to be in a relationship,

Then don't be in a relationship!

Or she could be an attention seeker, which all girls are!

Not to everybody but at least she needs the bf’s attention.

Attention is 1 of the human’s emotional needs beside love and secure.



If the gf likes you losing your temper

That’s pathetic because she would purposely make you angry

Just to prove that you care for her,

That you still remember you have a gf.

She is doing something to savor her feeling, maybe just the wrong way.

If she don’t even do anything when she feels that way,

You ought to be worry.



If the gf needs to threatened you with a 3rd party

To let you notice other people are paying attention on her,

Maybe both of you are not ready.

If 1 day, your gf is feeling bad about something and she is not sharing it with you,

If 1 day, she don't question you when she have doubts about you,

If 1 day, she don't even feels angry over anything you did,

Then its time.



Relationship needs a lot of time to nurture. Human only likes to enjoy the advantage of being in a relationship but they forgot nothing have only advantages. When they faces the disadvantages, they would complain and think is their partner’s fault. 1 hand claps no sound people! Who is at wrong, does that matter? What matters is the relationship, which consist of 2 person. 1 + 1 = 1, is it right? If wrong, MAKE IT RIGHT!

Defensive Mode

There are some people in this world, once they open their mouth to have a conversation, regardless of whether the intention is good or bad, they immediately turned the opponents’ defensive mode on. So whatever is said, whether it is an advice or for pure sharing purpose, people normally would not accept and they would think you are acting-clever.

But situation like this would not occur all the time. Some people that are eager to hear what others are willing to share. They are willing to put down their pride, admit to the mistake and listen to what others have to say. And in most of this case, they are willing to share more, get more, and buy the idea of another person.

In this 2 statements shows 2 different subject’s characteristic. But this 2 different characteristic are actually as of the same person. The only thing that is different is the person who is doing the talking.

We often put the blame on the subject when things like this happened. We said, that person is too ego to learn, or he/she is too stubborn, would not listen to what the elder said.

In fact I think, a good speaker normally put somebody in a comfortable mode, instead of defensive mode, Many people especially superior often meant good, but being perceived bad. Why? Some people have the ability to make you talk a lot about yourself even though you just knew them. If you think back, they are certain people that you did not know them very well, but you are willing to share with them things in depth about you that you would not even share to a person whom you know for 5 or 10 years.

And If the subject is not willing to talk more about themselves, and you are trying to help, how would you know what actually had happened that causes the subject to act so? The worse case is, the subject would just lazily agree with whatever that is being said, but the heart would be thinking, “what is this bullshit? You don’t even know what actually happened, and you think you are very clever, trying to give me advice? Get off~”

So, put someone in a comfortable position to speak what is of mind. You need to be open minded enough to accept whatever is being said. Don’t give over response because people are scared being perceived as abnormal.

Regardless of what way you use, the question is, when you speak,

how do you make people accept your idea?

THAT, is the final goal.

update

wuhooo¬¬ today I ain't feeling good....My beautiful dream slowly crashes.. Human are really unsatisfiable... when you have this, you want that..

I said I wanna lead a simple life.
I said I wanna be contented of what I have now...
and yet!
YET!
I look to the higher stream,
I chase over luxurious life,
I spend money like shit,
and then I realized
my money slowly runs down
and then I realized
I earn not enough
and THEN I realized
where is my simple life?
is it possible?
Can I stay focus and go for what I wanted,
stop changing?
I thought human don't like changes, why not the same for this?
*This month, I have 3 contracts on me + I just went to Bali, so Im kind of fuckup my bank account suddenly less many k suddenly... SHIT!

Smoking

Sorry, but I saw on Xiaxue's blog, and I think out of all the picture she put up, this suits all my boy friends whom smokes the most!!! I find it very funny, but meaningful. To those who read my blog that smokes, MANY OF YOU, YES YOU! Look down at your dick and tell yourself its time to quit...muahahahahahha

Oh by the way, if you doono what limb means : In a difficult, awkward, or vulnerable position.

Who Moved My Cheese

"Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again, checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us."

A.J Cronin

Update

Im far too tired to post an entry..but I do have alot of things I wanna remember it here...*sigh*


Anyway Im heading a 4 days trip to Bali on Saturday morning to Tuesday night.


Happy 23rd Birthday to myself. I donno if I can wait till 12am, but last year this time, my classmates burst into my house with a green tea cake specially bought from very far away...


I wish time could turn around again. Im celebrating the 1st second of my birth date myself this year...



or....u guys are with me here?

ACCEPT

Maybe I should learn the word “ACCEPT”



Accept what god has given to me, accept people’s help! Accept what others are willing to do for me. Accept my life is perfect.



When things are imperfect, we complain and we seek for perfection…but when god gives us perfect, we doubt and say that is unrealistic…we try to make it realistic, then unintentionally we spoiled the thing and now we say HEY that’s more realistic, then after some time we start saying nothing is perfect. Instead of nothing is perfect, maybe we should change the practice, “human can never be contented of what they have”, full of doubts and desire…human can be so complicated, yet, they are actually very simple. It is all about how you think, and how you work it out. Complication came in when you doubt…fear creates doubts, so where does fear came from?



Tell me, past experience? How can we link it with past experience when things can not be the same?



Time changed, environment changed, people changed. Be fair!



My family used to teach me that we should never fall into the same hole twice, in fact, they teach me not to even fall at all. “Listen to the experienced people”, she says. Prevent fall! Avoid! Cautious!



But can things be the same? Are they the same?



Can we really not fall? Is it possible? Is it really that good having yourself standing strong all the time?



There are always more than 1 angle in judging on something, pros always come with cons…



Back to the square, from which angle do we want to view the point from?



Who make the choice?

Who doubt?

Who fears?

Who make things complicated?

Where is perfect?

Everything lies in within yourself!

Doubts

I used to believe that 2 smart person can not be together as in, building up a family and have a future. The reason is because when a person is too smart, he sees through all the wits and ends of almost everything. So when 2 smart people are together, they do things with intentions and motives you could say to spice up the relationship( which is a good thing if the intention was good), and to make it even better...But since both of them see every single thing thoroughly, this will lead to another smart person to doubt the intention and motives behind what he/she does whether everything done is a trap or it is for the sake of love.

However in short term, 2 smart person being together will create FIRE, not jus sparkle, yes! but fire! and these 2 person can love until die. Yes I really believe so! You may say they were both cheating themselves...

Because intention lies only within that person, all the other person have to do is blindly TRUST, which is another thing that smart person's hates to do!

Then you begin to wonder who this person is, so you try to dig out from all sort of resources, to judge this person's personal characteristic...to convince yourself that everything is real, that you are not blindly trusting...

If this it is a trap, at the end of the day, someone will get hurt and then you will find out, who is smarter, or who is more emotional in the game, or who is more naive...

I don have "if the love is real, the motives and intentions are all good, this 2 person will......"
Can someone continue this for me? I seriously can't continue...becoz after what I wrote, continue it with, "happily ever after" will seems to be written by a 3 years old kid.

AWWWww~~ my sights seems to be getting darker...whY?

Disclaimer : This has got nothing to do with my personal life, I am just sharing what I used to believe and now I am doubting because nothing is definate. Pls do not use your own imagination to guess the story. Because there is no story. Thank you!

Wishes

Sometimes there are things that we wanted so much, but as we grow up, we realized that not everything that we wished could come true. It is very naïve to think so. In fact, that’s stupid. Sometimes a simple wish could be hard to make it sound. Coz there are too many considerations as we grew up. Too many considerations….

You can’t be selfish to request that much from people… you gotto think the other way round and convince urself that, its OKAY~! Perhaps you don’t like what you wish. So you create a lie and convince yourself and everybody else.. and then, you realized it becomes so real sometimes even you doubt IF you really like it that way…

Then, amazingly, you started to enjoy and you forget about the idea of what you really wanted and what you really like. Who cares? As long as we live life happy. Is this right?

Fight for what you really want? haha If getting what you want require others to sacrifice just simply anything, regardless of whether they are willing or not, THEY ARE sacrificing for your tiny wish, Is that right? I rather not want it and forgo what I wanted… Silly? Maybe…I don deserve people to do things for me....

Nothing is perfect.

These thoughts came from someone that asked me whats my plan for my coming birthday ( yeay I AM SENDING OUT REMINDERS!! haha). I said no need to celebrate…is just another day, which is true to me also…so, 1 of my wishes for my coming birthday : All the people I love to be with me…. IMPOSSIBLE~!

A better wish : People whom I love greet me a happy birthday and pray for my happiness.

Thank you!

Sometimes, I asked myself, "can you even be true to yourseld?", yes I can, but is there a need to do so?

Im in love?

Its too fast..i know, but i surrender to fate? This is what i mean by too good to be true. Pls people, pray for me....

Im a changed girl...

Crazily in love...

辛福

Was reading the last post....I really felt Im so blessed. God actually loves me so much in another way. Yes, things were always taken away for me, thats to make me even stronger n tougher. But when bad things happened, my friends are always always there for me. You guys know who u are...I posted that I have no appetite in fb, the next day, sms keeps coming from all over, to ask if im alright... I felt so paiseh making people worry. But I did keep my promise. I try my best to eat as much as I can.

Then people start wild guessing that because of the broken relationship, I was too depressed thats why that happens...BUT HEYY!!!! I can confirm its not. Coz Im really feeling so happy n contented now. So pls, stop making a reason for me. Its not larr.

This time, things were great because family are all fully on my back. I felt so loved, I felt so full in life these days...What more could I ask for in life? This is what I had always been dreaming about...

Too GOod To be True

The last time i felt something was too good to be true...was when my brother adopted me as his sister...at the time when sth was horribly bad happened on me...when i felt no love..when i have nothing at all to offer. I didn't believe his sincerity, I doubted and I think that was impossible to happen...n he said he will 1 day make me believe that, life can be good. People can be sincere. And love is around...

Without knowingly, 2 years later, he really showed me, someone a stranger can actually treat u good all the time wihtout asking anything for return...without condition...He gave me lots of brotherly love...

I was touched.

This week...it happened again..though another case.

I hope things goes the same. Im really happy for the time being. :) Hope 2 years later...I will be posting "Too GOod To be True Part 2"

:)

Decision

I stand on a fence for too long, its dragging and its expanding...so I made up my mind yesterday.

Our friends that read my blog, me and Yeong Hann had ended our relationship.

I asked my friends, after 2 years you said its not suitable, is that an excuse?

She told me no, coz it takes time to understand each other and find out what you want. I was very cruel to drag this long, sorry. I was really afraid that I would regret. But today, I realized that if we continue on dragging, I would surely regret and divorce 10 years later. So better make it now. Don't waste time.

When I told my mum n sister about it, they totally supported me. I feel so good about that. Supports from my family is kinda hard to get. My family also thinks that we would ended up like this sooner or later, and my mum told me that we are just not suitable for each other. She knew it after a few times I brought him back.

I hope he is alright. To our friends in KL, pls if you are able to, help me take care of him. I think he needs companion especially these few days. He deserves someone better. Its lame to say this shit, I felt. After hurting others, we always give ourself many excuses.

All I can say is, I am sorry.

Tired

Some ppl keep making noise that I didn't blog...

Life is really tiring here, I enjoy time with my colls, they are really friendly and helpful people. Working is more enjoyable now, lesser mistake, but still so sotong...able to complete job faster...

Financial still very tight, really hate this feeling, and AM GOING TO END THIS reall real real real soon. The last time I feel financial insecurity was 4 years ago, when I first started at KL. Now in Singapore. Even my savings in Malaysia needs to divide by 0.4255.

Reach home late everyday, either went out with colls or work overtime. Then so "bu-shuang" to sleep right away, so ended up sleeping like 11.30 or 12. Woke up 6am everyday. So I only slept 5 hours a day...

So many things undone. Just completed the exemptions from CIMA, going to execute the plan to do part time study on June. Life will continue to be this tired for 2 years. Im going to get used to it.

Of coz I miss times when I was studying, but missing is not going to help. So I shall look FORWARD rather than backward. I never think I am very young. Although many people are telling me this...to have NO working experience at 23 is rather late for me. Lots of plan come in mind, like which year to get married, to have a house, car, babies....

It freaks me out. Can somebody catch up with what my mind is thinking ahead? Too many uncertainty...

Pride & ego

People whom really know me deep inside would have know im somebody so full of pride and ego. Sometimes even that im conscious that myEGO is stopping me from being happy, moving on, winning, gaining something, I would have let that be...

Its not good rite?

Im so stupid.. I want to change. There was 1 time becoz of idiot pride, I almost lose a best friend in life!

Im borned that way am I? I should be happier....why am I serving my pride? Not myself? Or me is my pride?

I gotto say sometimes my pride makes me working harder, being smarter....but does that brings me more pros or more cons?

THat, I will need to think about it.

Balance is almost impossible....Can I be impossible, to grab all the goods of having ego, and throw all the bad of having ego?

I have to be more cunning..hehe

What a Friday

This is Friday, I tell you Im lonely, sucks big time. I realized I have no kaki in BP. Anytime in KL, I can find ppl to accompany for chilling out. Ppl will not look at me 1 kind and ask, why r u so crazy.

Life is so different now. I wish to use all that I have to buy back time like before. Just 1 call, and friends are here.... Am I that desperate?

I drank 2 canns of Carlsberg and all this thought started to came into me. I wish to continue on(friend's wedding tmr, so partying at her house). But I had to fetch my sis back, again responsibility...so gotto go back. I wish I have a second round....I wish....

So i came back home, drinking another 2 canns myself...I wish my friends were here....I wish I had you guys...really...

Extra mile

This week is our company closing. EVery bi-annually we will have a closing. Yesterday I work till 11.40am. My coll n manager work till 12 sth...

I wish to go extra mile, to prove im worthy. But extra mile? Man, this is just not Malaysia! U wan extra mile? You have to work till 8pm almost everyday(like my coll in my dept) and if u really wan EXTRA MILE, you gotta be cleverer than your boss in your workfield. In my case I can be, becoz my boss only have experience with not much education. The only thing that she expects from me is my knowledge on costing. What we learnt in MADM, FIM and those. But I reach home 8pm everyday tired like shit, don't even have time for myself. How to find time to explore those and explain to my boss and try to apply on my company? Activity based costing? Its too early...although I've work for 1 month.

Extra mile?
Long way to go.....

I know all those are just excuses. Extra mile requires sacrifices without extreme reasonable logic....You just do it without much thinking on wat you will be paid for.

LIfe

This was at Suntec, I got lost, and walk for almost 2 hours. In the end I gave up...simply hop into a bus and found the bus stop...Saw the thing...wats that call? Its freaking big, but I didn't get to take a real pic of it.

Another thing I really like abt Singapore is, their shopping mall likes to play with water. When I saw this, I was like...woww.....this is like real crystal...


THere was another time I went to Raffles City, they used water drops to drop down Welcome to Rafles City...Its amazing rite? Simple thing can be so nice. I guess is not hard to make such a thing. But just why Malaysian fountain are always spoiled? Or full of rubbish?


This is at the Convention Centre. The escalator itself got I think 4 story high and beside you is from ground floor to 6th floor. U understand what I mean? When I first used it, frankly I was SCARED! The sides are empty. My hands and legs sweat when I was going up.


The fast pace life in Singapore. Here, people walk very fast. Everything is faster. Their escalator also much faster...they upgrade real fast. My company's product update like 2-6 times(a single same product) a month.... and their system keep updating.

Despite all the technology, there are nice scenery everywhere. The scenery was much nicer but my camera don have such a lense that is as wide as our eyes.

Just a short post.

Singaporean

Many people have wrong perception towards Singaporean...something that so far I've been here, I want to justify...

So many incidents happened throughout the 1 month, makes me feel Singaporean and Singapore are really nice.

Many times, I hop onto the bus and do not know where to alight, I will ask the bus driver. The bus driver would rmb where you want to go, even though after 1 hour journey and tell you to alight at the right bus stop. When I first went to interview, the bus driver even tell me the instruction given by my HR was wrong because the gate only open at certain hour. He then show me which was the correct way to alight and tell me where is my company. He even offer to teach me how to take busses and gave me a short briefing abt Singapore...

Today, the bus driver I think he forgot to remind me where to alight, but an auntie tab on my shoulder, telling me this is Lavender MRT station. I was so surprised, quite scared when somebody tab me...but Im so grateful. Singaporean are really nice and helpful.

In MRT today, an english woman turn to me and told me my toe is very nice. We then chit chat abit. Again, I was surprise, why a stranger talk to me. Back in Malaysia, I would be so afraid if a stranger talk to me. Like they are trying to make me give go to the ATM and press money out for them...

The best part abt Singapore is, everything is about half the price compare to Malaysia. But your salary amount is the same. IN Malaysia we earn almost RM2000. In Singapore, we earn SGD 1600. But In Malaysia, a NIKE shoe cost you RM200. In Singapore, a NIKE shoe is only SGD 85. !!!!! and ALMOST everything is like that. Shokubutsu(i donno how to spell) refill pack only SGD2.6. Perfume, only SGD 40-80 for biggest bottle.

If I don't convert the rate, I will become shopping crazy....Coz Im so not used to seeing things so freaking cheap here, I feel like buying ANYTHING!!!!

OK, Im really tired. Good nite.

My goal?

Its almost been 1 month I started a new life in Singapore. Last week, I made 2 big mistake in work. 1 of it was accidentally changed the "empress dowager's" doc. It causes a mess, my head sent an email to apologise but she wanted to "avoid" such thing happened again, she wanted to unaccess our dept towards that data. It will caused my dept a great trouble in future. My head explain how inconvenience it will be to us, so she basically shut up, I just hope this mistake will not be brought up again. The 2nd mistake was update something wrongly, causes finance dept's cost changes.

At the beginning, I told myself that I wanted to complete CIMA in 2 years time (4 more papers left). ----> currently, I've done nothing to it.

My goal is to obtain PR in 1 year time. To own a flat or watsoever place in 3 years time. My goal seems so far away. I wanted to be somebody in 2 years time. Can I acheieve that? I doubt...

Basically, when I realized the 2nd mistake was made, I was totally blank and panic. Luckily my DEpt head is really a very good person. She not only did not scold me, she just told me to be more careful next time and its okay..

My coll are nice too. Get to know them better as time passes. But to me, Singapore is still a stranger place to me. Everything is wholly new. I tell myself all this is just a beginning. I believe in the choices I made. Someday, Singapore will give me alot of opportunities.

At this moment, I just hope, time passes more quickly.

The Wounds

Now I can understand why some siblings/parents can never talk to their family for years. There are some wounds so deep until it becomes a kind of hatred that you didn't yourself even want to admit it.

Isn't family suppose to be the one who offer out hand when you are in need? When you need support? When you need help? Why now just isn't my case?

I've been dealing with my emotional self, telling myself forgive and forget. There is no overnight hate in a family. But why? I didn't want to look into her eyes anymore. My heart ache everytime she asked me anything that is regarding money.

I wrote in FB,

"If she can understand not everyone is as "thick face" as her, then she would understand why am i so sensitive. If she can understand her own attitude, then she would gain more respect from people. And if she read this, I meant well"

Just now, she ask me why did I make my passport so early? She wanted me to make like tmr go Spore, today go make. Coz konon-nya wanna save the time and $! I was very pissed and told her in a bad tone that I am attending the interview on Wed!

I had said I wanted to make passport since donno when. Now I hope people know what is holding me back. I scared I do already, later she says I do so early. So, I at first ended up didn't dare to send out resume coz I am scared that later they ask me to go Spore, den I have no passport. In the end, when the 1st arguments came out abt my living expenses, I told myself FUCK OFF and send out my resume. In the end I manage to get the interview 1 week after the notice. So I make my passport ONLY TODAY!

And she said I never told her I had interview on this Wed. So she was very angry and she shouts at me. Said why she couldn't even ask me a question! Look at the way she ask a question man. If she wanna ask me, and she knew I had already make a passport, she would ask, " when is your interview in spore?" Obviosly she know I am planning to work in Spore. and She knew I had been saying I wanted to make a passport since more than 1 month ago.

If she wanted to ask, she would ask, "when is your interview?" or "when are you attending your interview, how come you made your passport today?"

NO, excuse me. She asked, "WHY YOU MAKE YOUR PASSPORT SO EARLY!"

My mother asked me to get that RM300 from her in front of them. Im telling my mum tmr that I am not going to talk to her now and then regarding money. If my mum really wants it, then I would take out from my saving account and pay it myself.

FUCK IT.

I tell you, I really hate her!

depress

I couldn't sleep even though im so tired. I feel like depress la...

these 2 days i feel so pressure. So many ppl have different expectation towards me. Whatever decision I make, I am going to disappoint alot of people. The last people that I wanted to disappoint, is my family. Can they give me more support emotionally?

Why can't I have more proper time to talk with my family regarding my future. There are so many questions in my head, that I didn't know who I can refer to.

There are so many uncertainties. I hate it. I know I am pressuring myself so much now. Because boat reach shore will straight. But, I don't want it to reach shore still straight can? What if it won't be straight? Yes, I am so pessimist.

At first I told my bf to have a part time job. Because he only study on Thursday. So is very waste of time to sleep at home for 6 days and just study for 1 day. I suggest him to get a marketing or admin related job so that he gain some working experience. At first he wanted to work at some hotel as waiter, I tell him to better not. So he nicely get a Marketing job now. And he now said he probably will not want to go Spore anymore because he love his job here.

That means if I go to work in Spore I will be all alone. And we will be in long distance rship. I just hate being in long distance relationship. Which to me it almost means that the relationship will end. I know I can start a new relationship, but I love my bf and I hate to start all over again.

I just want to chase my dream............all my friends are supporting me, I know. But the most important support is from family.

I feel so so sad over it. I know there are alot of chores to do at home. I know!

F**K

I am an accountant-to-be okay? to me, wasting time is wasting the most precious resources a human had! Much more value-able than $$$$ becoz NOTHING can buy time! I can't make myself to say I am 23 years old this year! WTF, and I am still wasting time!!!! WITH NO WORKING EXPERIENCE.

My current GOAL

Get a CIMA related job, preferably budgeting/costing related job. Get 2 years working experience either in KL or Singapore.

Complete CIMA in 2 years (part time).

Get a job in Singapore. And climb the ladder.

IMpression

Impression gives people an image of your identity. It makes people expect what is your next move in almost-the-same situation. Even though perhaps you will not do the same like what people expect you to, but first impression already won over you a chance to START. From there only you gain an opportunity to fill in the blank, correct your impression either being better or being worse, forming an image.

If you successfully won a good first impression, many things even you had done wrong, people will creatively think of a good reason/excuse for things to settle with it. 1 time, 2 times, 3 times, 4 times, you are given more chance/longer time to form a bad impression.

My friend once said, last impression is how a person remembers you.

I think I always give a very good first impression but a bad last impression. That maybe explain why people so often come and go in my life.

1st post in 2010

Out of a sudden, I click in my blog. I realized there is no 2010 template on the right hand side. Which means I had not posted any post ever since 2010. Lets see. NOw is 13 of January. I forgot when is my last post.

I read through my blog again. I will be back to blogging....I miss blogging far too much. And I am regret. I gonna spend time here, this is what I promised to myself. Get back here later.

Btw, I wonder if any people are still following this blog...haha