4。21

Am I always so serious? Lets try not!

(now...im stuck here for like 3 minutes....trying to be not serious!)

1 of the paper's result came out today. This was the first f*cking time I was sweating during the scrolling down session!

Phew~ I passed!

Finished 4, left 1 which is Pengajian Malaysia. Life is like exam already finish. Coz basically I never touch books yet till just now, when I go through the tips given, it was about asimilasi, segregasi, donno what si si si. And I realize that my malay had gone so so so terribly terrible. I think I can't even form a good sentence like we used to in Form 5. No wonder, I see my friend put "why do we need to study malay" in his msn. I was thinking, "stupid! coz we stay in Malaysia marrr". English so geng, go England laa....Chinese geng? Go China then!

As you can see, (well...i hope you guys had realized) I did a bit change on the layout of my blog. Added the number of visitors and recent comment at the sidebar. How was it?

OMG its 4.31am, I am supposed to study PM now. Oh ya, I have not explain, PM is not counted in the CGPA. So we will just need to pass. Coz nobody cares if you get A or what. And our coursework marks all score like 44/50. So...hahaha i hope that explain!

Tomorrow we are going to catch a movie. ( really like exam is finished) Yeay!!! I really can't wait for Friday. WE will be going to green box, then Saturday go Sunway and right down to Seremban for a friend's 21st birthday. Mamamia~

Then then, if everything goes smoothly, I am going back to hometown. Man, I haven't been going back for like...3 months? Ever since CNY! Gosh, I think hippo gonna emo with me for the whole 24 hours! I feel really sorry for him. But I wish him everyday, I swear!

Hmm..well, that "everything goes smoothly" actually meant that if I pass all the papers. For readers info, the 2nd and 3rd paper really did not go well. Haih, for AIS(3rd paper) I think at most I will be getting a D or worse fail, which mean I will need to take the supp paper no matter what. ARGHHH~ pls pray that I pass the supp and do not need to repea the whole lotta subject! I really can't afford that. Please pray for me....

Most likely Friday the result of that 2 subject will be out. Scary~ @@

How was that, trying not serious? haha its basically all crap! Thank you for wasting your time to read my crap. Opss...

Cherish a Life

I explore blog, when I have nothing much to do. Something meaningful came by...

Jolene, the blog owner claimed that she was sobbing like nobody's business after she scanned thru the link. I was thinking what was that to be crying about.

Then, eventually....I read this link. It talked about a mother who lost 3 babies. The 1st one died on 2004. Another 2 of them were twins, last year. The son came out earlier as a stillborn and according to the blog, his tiny head got dislodged in the uterus. The daughter continued to live and grow in the womb only to give rise to complications when she was almost reaching full-term. The little girl only stayed in our world for 36 hours.There were picture of the tiny baby stuck with tubes and other medical instruments, baby in the casket.. those tiny bones. The feelings were well shared in the blog. Which I think will wake alot of people up.

The author said...
“I saw a little girl who nearly got banged down by a car only to be pulled back by her slightly older brother. At the side of the road was her father, nonchalantly lighting up a cigarette. These people are blessed with children yet they treat them this way.”

It really touches my heart. People, you really need to read it. Yes I cried. I don't know what to comment. Just go through it, and you will understand how I felt now.

It reminds me of my father...

This is something adapted from the blog :
You can Shed Tears by David Harkins

You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love that you have shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and lived yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

All of a sudden, I am so afraid. Can somebody give me a hug?

Outdated : "I am sorry"

A relationship is most of the time hurting to me. Maybe I am unlucky. Love or not love, rejection or being rejected, it both hurts me. I don like to hurt people. But when I am to, no matter what, I will choose a person whom deserves to be hurt more. I have to be fair although I didn't want to hurt anybody.

You tell everyone how bad is the situation, I remain all the while silent, becoming the bad girl..not being understand. I do not really mind coz I do things accountable to myself. I don owe anybody an explaination, I don care how people think of me, as long as my conscience is clear. Well, maybe you didn't realize....But can I have my own reason too? Love is about giving, giving is a GIVE, you understand the meaning of give? Give is when you hope nothing back in return. Silently make her happy. Keep giving without hoping or expecting she will give you anything back in return. This is the truth, and this is what he did to me. Until now, he still never, never ever request anything in return. Even when he knows the existence and story of you, he never mention or say anything bad about you. He just told me, do what you feel like doing. That's it.

1 word I say, " I don like people smoking".... Smoking had been part of his life, 3 years...but few weeks after I said that word, i see him quitting. I see him being miserable doing it, I told him you don't have to. Simply because I don't want him to do it for me. Coz i can't promise to give him anything back in return. I didn't want to, not intend to. And he didn't expect me to. But he just did it.

Unconditional love he proved to me it exist.

That's what I did to you last time. I keep giving until 1 day you truly truly hurts me. You asked me go to die. Frankly speaking, that day i was sad. So I wasn't really really joking. I told you that. I said "although I may sounds like I am joking, coz i don't want to make it sound too serious. I will scared people off." You take it as a joke maybe, or perhaps you didn't care at all. How can you risk me, how could you risk my life under your hand, when you didn't really know how true are those words? Even when I've warn you I may not be joking. How could you risk a life...From then on I have made up my mind. And yesterday you told me, you like me all the while, since we've met? Is that what you did to the person you like?

Words you say and what you did, is not at all match.

I still didn't know, since you've made up your mind last time, then why change? You already used your action to tell me, you are not determine. If i were to give you a chance, I donno when you will make a new decision and said things to hurt me again.

How can I not touched by what he did to me? Both of you started chasing from the beginning. I gave you chance. I didn't give him. He is the people...that slowly slowly creeps into my heart without being notice. Being a friend that silently gave me extra care. I never show a clue that i knew all these. He didn't have any idea how I felt or do I even feel anything. From the beginning that I gave u a place in my heart, I gave him nothing. Until now I still gave him nothing. Imagine that.

What are those thing that you did to me, compared to his? Are you able to stand on my view and see it? Can you be rational enough just for a while, put yourself in my situation....you tell me what should I do?

I only found comfort in friendship. He makes me believe, he show me assurance that I will be safe in his hug. I still didn't walk in. Because love always hurt me, except friendship one. Understand me. I tell you now, first and last, I don't dare to love a person deeply. Coz I had a very bad life. Very bad experience in life about love. If 1 day i got married, he will be my partner, not my lover.

This post was written on 29 September 2007, 7 months ago. It was a comment on a blog. Decided to post it here as a remark for myself.

How bad can the bad be?

Yeah, it was very bad. All 3 papers sucks big time. I think I gonna flung at least 2 papers this time. Just pray that god will be with me, let me pass the supp paper....I really hope I won't be repeating any subject next semester. Having to sit for 5 papers is enough pressure, not to say 6, or perhaps 7.

It was all upside down. But nothing else could be done. Classmate called for beer-ing session at Station One. Most of the people did badly. Suddenly the plan changed, to Look out Point instead. I was very very happy. Didn't know why, that place is really special to me. I have brought so many people there, I went there so many times..it never fail to brightens me up.

The picture seems clearer today...I really like that place so much.



Thanks to my classmate, my wish came true... well...we wasn't wearing nice clothes because it was decision-at-once to go this place. A little bit more, we were supposed to be at genting now. I love this kind of adventure. "Sudden fun" I call it. Unexpected extreme fun!



A brand new me, a new beginning...here comes I back!

DANG DANG DANG

Exam time is SO BORING!

Like now, 8.32am I haven't sleep--->re phrase, I can't sleep. Yeah, coz the past 2 weeks, I had been sleeping like 6am until 4pm....MOnday is the exam at 2pm, so after keep-on-sleeping yesterday, I wake up at 1am(slept from 11pm), I keep myself awake until now. Consumed coffee n breakfast at 6am.

I insist to keep myself awake till like 10pm then sleep to next morning, then hopefully afternoon I will feel great to do my Advance Financial Accounting paper.

HURRAAYYYY~~~!!!

Finally exam starts!!! WHich that means it is going to end very near soon. *PUFFF

I AM so tired of studying and studying la...btw, my Accounting Information System's coursework fail. I am freaking worry that I will flung that paper man. Haih, its the 1st time we have final in this paper. So we are a genuine pig. Can't imagine how the paper is gonna be. Pls pray for me....PLEASE!

Times like now, I am taking a break from studying, no tv watch, no ppl at msn, no ppl update blog(exam), all website have already gone to....man, I donno what to do. So I crap here...

Oh yeah, btw...thanks guys...I am pretty pretty alright now. Hmm...Its a brand new me. Many quality personalities had been forgotten...I just suddenly remembered...

Ciao..Im going to shit in toilet. HAaa...

I am so funny

I am so in like of challenges to the extend of I don't accept the fate of my life. Very often, I refuse to accept what as it is. Impatiently, I want things in my way so much that then, I collapsed.

I refuse to accept even though I have no ways to change it. When I had done everything I could, and knew nothing else to be done...I will just cry and cry and cry....until time like this, I suddenly wake up...and realized the sun stays there all the time...regardless of day or night, whatever weather it is, the difference IS, you see it or not.

Sometimes, rest is to work even further. When will I get this phrase implemented inside me? Patience do really hates me.

Somebody's msn said, "when life give you a lemon, make a lemonade".

I asked a friend yesterday in msn, "how to be stronger?"

Unfortunately, she told me she is not strong that is why, she can't tell me. She told me she almost do stupid things yesterday. And she thinks I am the people she thinks least useless and she thinks I am strong. At that moment, I was thinking, perhaps she doesn't really know me.

Or perhaps, I don't know myself? a benefit of doubt...

Its fantastic that she is still able to advise me having her in that condition. Hey YOU, I chose so many people out of my msn list to ask you, "how to be stronger?" for a reason. And the reason is, I really think you are a strong girl. If I say life is hard on me, then I would also say, life is not too good on you either. We had a same thing in common. We are people that are not showered with enough water for what a plant would need.

7.29am, its misty outside. I hope this feeling would last until my final ends.

Hippo told me that he will stick with me no matter what the next time i come up to KL. Coz when times like I had no one...he said he will want to STARE at me until I am alright. *GEEE...

I am feeling very bad

I thought I was strong....
I thought this time, I will go through it easily...
Now, Im sitiing down here
crying
I refuse to wake up coz i know this will happen
but im forced to face it
time don't stop running
I donno why am I crying
I am feeling very bad
Can somebody scold me?
Wake me up from dream
When can I truly accept the fact
We are just not suitable
GIrl,
what you had given is not appreciated
what you gave is not what he wanted
what he gave is not what you wanted
we just couldn't click
WHY?
why is he not determine
why am I not determine
what am I waiting for?
miracle don't always happen
Its raining...
when can the sun shine again?

Despair

Im learning this word...

1. To lose all hope: despaired of reaching shore safely.
2. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

I am swallowing all these...



Memories are most beautiful...

Defeated. To fate.

People, remind me that...once a person had tried her best...there is nothing else to look back.
I will be strong.

Life is how you make it to be...

I am very down now...but guess what? I think it serves me right...

Coz I make it to be so. Every of my action leads to what I am in to now. Eventually, today it makes me realizes... I make the wrong decision.

What is the purpose of regret? Regret is not to let you repeat the same mistake again. Somehow, I made it again after years. And things happened again. Perhaps human are really forgetful.

They need to be reminded.

I need to get used to some changes. With exam coming, this should be the right time.

:-)

Studies

Man, I think this sem I've neglected my studies way way way too much. I just came back from genting, on the 2nd day there, my friend message me, told me I was barred from exam, due to unsatisfactory attendance. I got a big shocked. Luckily it was 1st of April. Though, I am glad that they scared me. Its like giving me 5 fingers on my face and say, "hey!!! WAKE UP!"

Although that was meant as a joke.

Anyway, exam timetable is out. 21st April our final will start. I never realized it was so near....GOSH, 2 more weeks and I donno any hell whats on sylibus. And I just got to know, I failed Accounting Information System's coursework mark. Man, I only got 18 out of 40%. Means even if I got full marks 100/100 in my final, I will only get 18+60 = 78 which is A-. Which that was very IMPOSSIBLE.

I am so so worried... I don't like being regret really. So I will study very very very hard from now on.

There is time for fun, and now its time to study study and study and study!

NOTHING ELSE.

1 month of bookworm.

Don't make yourself regret. I will make it through happily! BUCK UP!!!!