The Latter path

Two roads diverge in a yellow woods...I always choose the latter path..
Is it because I am stubborn? Or I believe...so strong?

I had fun, I enjoyed, but I am still missing him. I did everything to stop him from contacting me again, knowing that will be good for me. Always, I am regret for what I had done. I cut my hair short to remind myself, what is done can't be undone, regardless of you are happy with it or not..

So I tell myself its no big deal. Life goes on and soon, I will find someone better... but its been 2 months, why am I still anticipating his return that I have delayed so much.

I still firmly believed that he will return. And I hope when he does, I am not the same anymore. Perhaps god is playing us. I know when he return it will be too late. Time is not right.

I am fine.

At the same point

I know I am still circling at the same point, refuse to go out of it. I still cry every night, asking why, why all these have to happen to me??

Sigh

What is wrong with me? Can somebody tell me? Why its just me? again and again...

I didn't believe he can be this cruel...at some moment when I am really depress, I really felt like dying right in front of him... But frankly, I am scared that he would not even care at all.

You know, at times of so so down time, when he and I are so messed up, perhaps this is the time that we really evaluate the other, after seeing that person's ups and down...whether or not we can still accept each other or we condemn and judge each other through the last thing did.

THanks

Thanks everybody for the concern and support.

I need a help, to find somebody to replace him to go Sipadan trip with me. Just have to pay for the transfer name fee, around RM 400 plus minus.

Flight, accomodation and some meals provided together with snorkeling... 16 to 19 Sept. I really need someone to replace him, coz otherwise I will be staying in the hotel room alone.

I still didn't know how I should talk to my sister about this. She is pregnant...And only begining of this month I told her, 1 of my friend(male) is going and he will be sleeping in the same room with me. She felt really weird but didn't asked much. Before that she already suspected something weird because I kept telling her probably my friend will be going but when she wanna asked further I always refuse to tell her more details...I was so scared of something like this would happen back then, but I thought nth so bad could happen since we were going quite steady for the past 4 months...n who knows..

Now everyday she is pestering me about my friend's flight seat number and add on to luggage weight...

Most of you wanted me to just tell her the truth. I never told her I have a bf, and now I need to tell her I broke up and he isn't going anymore. Begining of the month I only told her add 1 more friend and his ticket is booked..

Haih...why I have to clear this mess?

Yesterday I actually requested him to just go this trip with me as a friend...so that I can finish with my sister...but he refused...

Updates

I was so into proving things right that I got lost. I lose faith.

I am the best, I will succeed...I need to motivate myself more and gain back my self confidence.

Victory!!

I am so happy today. After all that had happened, I am a better me now.

Thanks for letting me know who he really is!

By the way, I guess he pester his ex so much, and talk bad about me so much to her, and in the end she said something bad about me, saying I was doing small action behind...

Nevermind....wish her best of luck. Some people just don't fall never know pain. Or perhaps he is really a changed man, for her? hahaa

She deleted me from her fb, I was jumping happy.

Temper

I will not lose my temper for the next 3 months...

I would like to challenge that!!!

Another turn in life...

Life once again hit me to the lowest...

The relationship went wrong, I would say it was because of me. My subconscious mind is controlling me too much, by the time I realized, its already too late. Life only got 1 chance. Once you missed it, its gone...

Understanding was not there, though I have no right to expect anything..

Life goes on. Just as it didn't hit hard enough, my work gave me a big shock, and it totally goes opposite of what I thought. It hit me real hard...I am scared to face my office tomorrow...

I am just so sorry for what happened to myself. I have no more energy to fight now. I will only do what I should really do, and let things go naturally and wait time to pass and heal all the wounds...

Life goes on...no matter how pain, how hard, tomorrow will still come.

I wish to be alone and to myself now.

Believed in Kharma

If I were ever right...

Guilt is the noblest revenge. There is good and bad in every human. Don't do too many harm to others until when 1 day you decided to be good, all the bad things you did comes back to hunt you. You know, you have a long bright future. You will possibly have daughter in future. If god can't punish you, god will punish people you love and treasured most. Can you imagine your worriness when your daughter is born? After all the lies to girls that loves you and treasured you? That kind of guilt will hunt you forever. The hurt you will have to bear seeing your daughter being punished just because of the things you did now? Exactly the same thing that you did to other people will come back to your daughter or to someone you loved, I am not cursing, I am sharing with you before its too late because I have been through this but nothing so bad of that sort. I hope you can be sincere to things and people around you. Doing good because you really wanted to. Not because you are afraid of bad things that will happen, in the end you are lying to yourself. Be sincere, god knows and god is watching. Face all the bad that you have done bravely, no more lies and no more harm to others. Find back your peace and conscience at the same time find back who you really are as a human. Don't blame anything for what you are today, we are responsible to our self conduct. Every good and bad done will be accounted wihtout any excuse.

You can't make sure you are always being spared by good energy around you in your entire life. You have many years more to go, it is impossible that your life will be forever like now. When you are not as rich as you are someday, when everything start to turn down...

I may have sound like I am cursing you..But my intention is good, I don't have to convince you or anybody to believe me. I do not want to revenge or wish something bad could happen to you. I sincerely wish you can repent. Whatever you will become in future, it is none of my business. I don owe you anything, I treated you sincerely, although I may not have done good enough. I may be silly or stupid, but what I do is what I really wanted to do. I am happy with everything that I have done. It is really hurting for me, but this few months means nothing compared to 20 or 30 years to come. I am glad of what happened, be it real or not, I am happy this few months.

Thank you.

Only if I were ever right...If not, you can just read it as leisure.

Really?

Last Friday, I hardly hold anymore. While I was working, many times I stopped myself from crying. I tried not thinking about it. FInally, working hour finishes, and I am able to be myself again.

On the way driving back home, I almost lost my soul. It was raining so heavily and I was driving in very reckless manner. I cried to myself, finally, I am able to express myself. I tried to be, I tried to be wise, but being wise means lying to myself.

So until Saturday, I decided to ignored whatsoever to try and tell myself, perhaps what he was saying is true. On Friday the girl told me, and somehow, she makes me feel she isn't a very good girl after all. She has quite some low EQ, I over estimated her. Many things that she did and wanted to do, was so way out of expectation. Something like getting involves parents.

I forgave him. And believed his side of story.

HI

Hi friends, its been really long ive neglected this blog. I guess friends whom are still reading must be somebody really loves and concern about me. Aprreciate that and really thankful.

I think I am really lucky to be born as what I am, but sometimes being me its not really good itself.

Early this week, I found out something that I would have settled down happily not knowing. I felt responsible for ruining another girls' life. Maybe she really do not need to know the truth. Its really cruel for her. Accidentally, I almost become a 3rd party. Or perhaps to her, I am already is.

LIfe is funny, I used to scold those who spoilt ppl's relationship, a bitch. BUt now, *sigh* that is the reason why I really can't forgive this time. Perhaps I will regret 1 day. Maybe he is really true.

But there are too many maybes in the world. I need to protect myself. And believe in myself.

Life goes on. sometimes i wish to cry out, but I couldnt. I did some jogging today, I just wish to run my lung out and forget about everything.

I am doing better than I thought.

JUMP JUMP

I SO FUCKING LIKE MY BAG,

but i can't shout it out...coz i am trying to stay low profile, and

I AM SO FUCKING LIKE MY LIFE NOW!!!!!!!!


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA

Burberry

Let the picture do the talking... its sinful, its guilty, but its exciting, and its addictive~

The funeral

Munchy's boss passed away last Thursday. He was a successful and good man, at least as far as I know and many others.

I saw his body on a coffin, it was much sader than I thought I would be. No matter how good, how much you have contributed, how many ppl you have helped, how successful or how rich you are, when you are dead, you start a new journey in another way. Here, you are just a thing inside a box...

THe funeral was really grand, discourage flowers but still the whole place is like jungle now. He was put in his mansion and there is "cab" circling around the area, to fetch most of the people that have to park their car far away. Many ppl went to help out, in and out.

Hope he rest in peace, although it was somehow like accident, but he is really old.

My work

The best thing about my work is that despite being so so stressful, every time I brought documents for approval by our GM, he would gave us some words of encouragement and understanding like.

" the 2 markets you are handling are tricky and very political, you are very lucky because once you do well in these 2, then you are higher above level"

"how are you taking in everything? you are still new, give yourself more time...don't pressure yourself too hard"

;)

Things keep changing...

My working stress has reaches its limits, that for the first time in my life, after 1 month of working in a new company, I burst out crying. I felt so helpless when customer pushes you, you trying hard enough, you have not enough time, and internal staff scaring you and scolding for not doing everything in the right order. But I have really no time. I have no time for water/toilet. Seriously...I think I got the whole sales team so worried. Luckily manager is at China. Everybody really gave me a hand. Hope and pray, tomorrow my stock is ready inside the container...god bless me.

A while I thought its going to be good. After 1 or 2 weeks, things change again.

Am I taking things too seriously again?

I have lost all my confidence. Stop believing things will be good for me.

I give up easily, I surrender to fate. I have no energy to fight nymore. I will not make sure anymore. Lets just go with the flow, and let things happen. Everything will be alright when you least expect it.

Its a peaceful day. THank god for that.

Saturday @ Fruity Cherry Mini

New member of the family...

Work

My work starts to get pressure as I am still new. Many things needs to be follow up, and I am still in a blur kind of situation. Though quite interesting, I like the job. It will just take time for me to blossom.

Something happened yesterday on my job. I am in charge of Pakistan market, and we appoint agent to get order. Many agents in the same market.

So yesterday was the first day of the month. Day before we had a meeting, and the manufacturer association (according to our general manager) said that critical is the condition now, with raw material (high demand low supply) and customer ( low demand low supply). Interesting eh?

So everybody are trying different strategy. I was told to annouce new increased price. To all agent together in 1 email so as to convey the message that we did not favor any agent in the same market, all are given at the same price. And I guess 1 of the agent was too panic to see price increase, he immediately reply that he is going to place order already, still waiting for customer's confirmation, therefore he would want things to be in old price.

Everything was right except he reply send to all!

THen, when he realized that, he send a message to my senior, my Ass manager and manager, saying that I leak out p&c info to outsiders. Wuhoo~~

I was afraid. seriously, when my AM look at me, and asked did I send out information to outside...we didn't know which he were refering to. I thought I send the wrong mail to the wrong agent or what...

She checked my mail and found none. And she guessed its the new quotation I sent to all agents together. Then she receieved the mail, regarding that particular agent sent to all others agent and me, revealing customer's name.

She called my manager to explain, they were all in KL's exhibition.

Today morning, that agent's boss sent 2 email, to manager, AM, asking why did I send that mail to all, it causes his employee to leak out info, making all the others agent know that those customer's name, and therefore other agent will approach their customer.

Exciting? 2nd week of my job.

Short weekend

Working life is so boring. Now at bp, people keep telling me, WOW, so nice u only have to work 5 days a week. But I did not felt anything anything. Coz it has been like that all while, for me.

Maybe I really have to learn how to appreciate EVERYTHING.

Fri night went to Penthouse with a friend. Then we tapao-ed the very nice imported beer and went to Dreamworld until late night.
Sat morning i went to tint my glass, that cost me RM1300 with carpet installed!!!! @@ I so run out of money. Don't know how, or if i will survive. Hope my credit card bill come later this month, haih. Oh yea...my new car!



Then at night went to mee pub. I was very fun, can fight with KL's club. Until 4 something.

And today, I forgot that I have a movie to catch with my friend. Rush there and got in just in time. It was a good movie but I don't like to watch movie so stress and scary. But overall Sanctum is a nice show, i watched it in 3d.

Later I went yumcha with 2 rounds, reach home 11 sth, and now its 12!!!

Life is good. :) Very good indeed.

When you have made up your mind. Its past, so I shall accept it and let it past. Let it go when you have tried your best. There will be no regrets. Somemore he really isn't a good guy~ at least this thought have been consistent all the while.

So decision is made. I shall go on with my new life.

Thank you for all the support my friends gave me. Especially a few person that keeps calling me, Alex, Hungene, Manjit, Yeong Hann, Wendy, my brothers, Dicky, the family. Thanks for always ever ready to be there.

Cry

Cry until sleep, wake up continue crying...

I don't even dare to go downstairs to face my family. My mum came to my room just now. I was on call talking. I knew she saw my eyes, red and bulky... but she didn't say anything. I feel really glad that she pretend nothing happen. She just ask me to help out in the kitchen when I am okay~ and ask me to get something to eat. I have not taken any food till now.. but i don't feel anything. Maybe pain is the only feeling I can feel right now, and that feeling makes me feel I am still alive.

I can't stop crying...

Why am I still alive?

Friends say I am turning circle in the same place. Refuse to walk out. I don't know how to walk out of the circle.

I wanted to end my life...

Love is not about 'its your fault' but 'Im sorry'
Not 'where are you' but 'Im right here'
Not 'how could you' but 'I understand'
Not 'I wish you were' but 'Im thankful you are'

Fall in love but not stumble,
be consistent but not too persistent
share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand
and get hurt but never keep the pain

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else,
but its more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love.
Only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it
if he is not worth it not, he is not going to be worth it a year or 10 years later.
Let go.

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expected it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

Love isn't about becoming someone else "perfect person"
Its about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go.
The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

June 03

Last year June 03, I was proudly in love. Thought this is it, thought finally. Since the beginning of this January, every hope shattered. God knows how ache my heart is. I don't know how I survived until now and how long will I still survive with this. How stupid I feel for giving up everything for this unworthy man. Who doesn't know how to appreciate, and only knows how to criticize. Who doesn't care for me physically and mentally. Who is so fucking selfish and irresponsible. Today is valentines day. Another occasion, celebrated alone. If last year was a bad year, make this year a good one.

I hope I can go through this. If not, bless me. No matter where I ended up to be.