My fault

Once said, everything happened for a reason. If you have not found the reason, maybe you just have not try hard enough. Or if you have try hard enough, maybe the TIME have not arrive for you to understand...

I am weak in consistently believing in many things. Coz I believe too that we must be a survivor, things changed, environment and many things changes. So we should flow with the situation. But believe just cannot be alias with surviving!!!

I had a long talk with my friend, after a hug, I feel he is like a brother more than a boyfriend. So I still believe that we can no longer love like a couple, I hope I am wrong for this...coz he isn't gonna accept my weakness and I also believes in karma, which happened to me that I had not gonna my ex's weakness before this. Sincerely hope somebody can prove me wrong...

Oh I so regret...haha because only now I understnad, but its too late and is happening to me now.

Give me a frog and I definately going to doubt if he is going to turn into a prince and while a little bit of me believing so, I would still not accept him for being a frog.

I am so crap rite? Cannot tahan myself @@

I just need more people to make me believe by telling me how to, that it is going to work, after letting me convince them that it is not so.

I so know what is happening on me but I just couldn't help it. So, HELP ME!!!! I don wanna become an old woman alone till old can?

If 1 day I can stop doubting my believes, I can be a miracle wonder woman, do you believe it? Hahaha I seriously believes that.

Only if the ifs happens...

p/s : environment is utmost important for a communication to happens.

Money is the root of ALL evil

Im facing the new question in life. Should I go back BP or stay at Singapore?

I really dislike Singapore. Its definately not a place where I want to be. Besides money, almost nth I like about Singapore.

Who really knows what is gonna happened in the future?

At least NOW im sure this is not the place I wanted to be. Rite?

I had a talk with my mum. Makes me feel i really dislike her. She asked me when I wanted to come Sg that time, what did I say? I said if i go working at KL, I would not want to go Singapore later. Like what is happening to my friends. Until now, I still agree with that.

I said, in the beginning, the thinking was too naive. Many things unknown before this was known about Singapore lifestyle, and all. So how can we then said, the decision was wrong then? I shouldn't have came, this n that? Maybe this life is good for others, but not me rite? I am not them correct? So what? Escalation of commitment?

She told me, 2 years later, you might say again, that your thinking now is naive too.
So she isn't gonna tell me that she will support me no matter what. When I asked for her support again and again, she laugh and say, am I just going to force her to fakely support me? I regret making the call to her. She is still as hard as a stone. Refuse to be our mother. I think she prefers to be the advisor rather than our mother. Every body in the family knows and just bit our lips hard. I know I just played on fire for trying.

What I need is a support from her. Whether she supports my decision or not, I will still think carefully and think about her advise before making the decision.

I think nobody would support me. Thats really very sad....

Coz everybody is gonna think their own reason why I choose to go back instead of staying here or some other big places. Is so not me, I know but can I ask a question? How many ppl really think they know me? The me now?

I don't owe anybody an explaination. Im tired of being expected of what I should do for my life.

Big D

I check mate my company today...

1 manager, 3 ppl in Costing, 2 Costing officer resign today! Super shiok..

but I am guilty for it.

My manager face straight turn black.

There are many reason of me doing so. But still it serves me 2 ways still ( I believe). To turn back or not to.

For both, surely, it is a better way.

Thank god I am courageous enough.

Friends when I am down, believe in me

Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
until now i still not sure if i will regret
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
sounds like changed alot
Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
yeap
life dream changed
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
what's ur dream now? be someone normal?
Cheryl says (11:59 PM):
be a good mum good wife
-Nicholas: says (11:59 PM):
=D
u sounds to be a good woman now
Im damm suprise of it!
-Nicholas: says (12:00 AM):
it's a good thing though
=)
last time u was too ambitious
Cheryl says (12:01 AM):
really?
-Nicholas: says (12:01 AM):
but good also
lol
ya
but no matter ur previous dream or current dream
u was always looks great
has own thinking
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
the way u insist ur thing is kindda enchanted
Cheryl says (12:02 AM):
not anymore i gues
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
hmmm
dont give up so early
life is a long long journey
-Nicholas: says (12:03 AM):
maybe the previous 20++ years...u hasnt know what ur dream really look like?
or maybe even now...this is still not ur final achievement?
we experience as time goes by, and we are still finding....
-Nicholas: says (12:04 AM):
don't lose ur confident and insistant so fast
it's ur specialty
=D
it's ur signature that defines u

What is love?

If love is to be an action, it is so so far away...
If love is to be a voice, it is quite far too...
If love is to be a word, it will be nearer...
If love is just a click away, it is everywhere, I believe...

If love is love, why does it have different?
Do we love only when it is convenient?
When it is smooth sailing?
Or regardless what...?

I am finding love...
people may have a lot of courage to love,
but did not want to sacrifice,
I am just right opposite...
What is love?
Where is love?

People,
If tomorrow I die...
will the action of love still as far?
Will you give me a hug,
let me know you love me?
Why that difficult to get love?
Am I using threats to get love?
Or sacrifice my life to prove love?


When we know we are about to lose it,
or lost it,
only then we start to realized?
Give me your love...

Where?

Over the year, things keep changing. I think this is the most drastic changes happened in me throughout my life maybe. Plan changes, life changes, environment changes. I am kinda exhausted. I tell myself to accept the fact that I am already working. And I will be working for the next 10 years I am sure. Study life had ended. Accept this fact is exhausting enough for one.

The change of my future life-plan kind of change too many things in me. Many times I really doubt if I am sure all this is what I will want, after working and achieving quite a number in the past, am I ready to let go? and start all over again? When unsolved problems start arising one after another, sometimes I gave up and go back to the middle of the crossroad again. All and all, I feel I am so wasting time, first with starting all over again and second with the doubting and stopping there, thinking.

Until now I am not sure. Time is so precious. This makes me feel so frustrated and angry with myself.

Despite all the existing troubles I faced in work, life now is kinda quiet and boring. I like that. But its abit solo, cause eventually I start to ignore friends, yes I do, and start to avoid crowd.

Sigh. After all that I have built up!! I am so dilemma.

Conclusion : maybe my ultimate problem is I just cant made up my mind and just GO FOR IT without looking back.

Letting things go...

The beginning of letting things go is always seems to be difficult...or maybe impossible... Very funny... people like to create their own obstacles in mind. Before they do it, they would think how hard it is, or how impossible it is...we always create a bearer for ourself. When in fact, after the 1st attempts tried out, it is much easier than it seems.

Some people think letting go its an end. While in fact, everything is just a beginning. As much as I thought its hard to let go, it is as easy and I thought it would hurt. Yea but its just a little.

People used to tell me that, if you let go and it comes back, then its yours. If it don't, then its not yours. The question is, what if it don't come back? If we don't start letting go, forever that question would stay unanswered. If you wanna find out an answer, you have to start letting go. I guess we have to start to be honest with ourself, face the truthful fact. Life isn't everytime out of your way. Believe! and have faith!

Life is just a gamble on fate.

Today I tried something new out, something that I thought I would have cared so much, but the fact is, I did not care as much. And the answer is, it didn't come back. Perhaps it haven't. But I think I am impatient to find out("I think", is perhaps another obstacles made for myself, I do not deny the possibility of that).

It hurts, by the fact that the answer isn't very favorable? Or the fact that I didn't care as much? I donno..Though I guess its the latter....

Good nite people! Filled me with love pls...lots of hugs... thanks!

A lesson I learnt

Just a short one before I call it a day..

As much as you want to prove the things you said were right, so does the other party! In a disagreement, someone could be right. If a person must be right, another person must be wrong. So proving you right gave you the feelings of satisfaction. People tend to forget, it has exactly the same effect inversely.

If proving yourself right gave you satisfaction, it gave the other person dissatisfaction.
If proving yourself right make you feel you are cleverer, you are just trying to let the other person know he/she is stupid.

If we no need to prove him wrong, and let him/her find out themself, that is a win win situation. Just sometimes, it takes time. But if time is not a factor, learning ourself is much better than being proved wrong.

The real friends

I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends about this issue before. And after getting their feedback, I assume this theory is super right!

There are certain friends that will leave you after you have a bf/gf because they dislike people whom forget their friends after they have bf/gf. Some friends will get angry because after you have a gf/bf, you start to forget about your friends(they claim). Some will even let go of the friendship because of this reason. Stop helping you when you are in need.

To us, the question is, what is a real friend?

We have 24 hours a day. After minus sleeping, working time, own private time(bathing, driving, eating, etc) and others, how many hours do we really left? Can I say, less than 5hours? Besides friend, we have family. Do we really have enough time to have it all?

I think that is quite impossible. A gf/bf is somebody closed to us after family. And friends surely come after gf/bf. I assume a gf/bf is someone you will make them your family later ( I am not talking about those gf/bf that were just having fun, or those that you fuck around). So it depends on which one you treat as priority. Which type of life you seek as more important for your future. If you wanna spend next century of your life with your friend, then spend quality time with them, that’s understandable. But make sure your friend have the same goal as you, that they wanna spend next century of their life with you too! Which is quite impossible.

Back to the point.

To me, a REAL friend is the people that will understand what is important FOR your life. They won’t get angry when you don’t spend time with them because they understand that you are planning your future, for a happy life. But when you call them for help, even after not contacting them for so long, they will be there for you. Or even you don’t meet them after years, you still have many things to talk about, you won’t feel weird after not contacting them for so long. REAL friends UNDERSTAND what you need to focus in life, and yet, they are there for you, and you know it. They won’t let you choose between a gf or friend, because they know what is good for you.

Even if not so…Would you rather risk losing your gf/bf than risk losing your friend? If you can CLAIM understanding from your gf/bf, why you can’t claim understanding from your friends?

If he isn’t a real friends for now, even you keeping in touch with them, neglecting your gf/bf, they will only be there for you when it is CONVENIENT. They won’t help you when it is inconvenient. But talking about convenience, I think any people can/able to help you when it is convenient. To me, you don’t need to spend too much time, I seriously mean it’s a waste of time to spend time with these people. Time is so precious, so spent quality time. Be productive for your life.

When we wanna help someone or do something, we don’t just do it when it is too convenient. We would sacrifice to help or to achieve something we want in life.

I have plenty of friends like this, PLENTY, yes. Im so so glad, in life I make good friends.

Do you have any?

Life is quite fair. What you do now is what you will be getting back for return in future. No pain, no gain.

Time can prove things right/wrong...

If a gf needs to create a havoc to get your attention :

The caused of it is you don’t pay enough attention to her :

It could be because you are too busy to be in a relationship,

Then don't be in a relationship!

Or she could be an attention seeker, which all girls are!

Not to everybody but at least she needs the bf’s attention.

Attention is 1 of the human’s emotional needs beside love and secure.



If the gf likes you losing your temper

That’s pathetic because she would purposely make you angry

Just to prove that you care for her,

That you still remember you have a gf.

She is doing something to savor her feeling, maybe just the wrong way.

If she don’t even do anything when she feels that way,

You ought to be worry.



If the gf needs to threatened you with a 3rd party

To let you notice other people are paying attention on her,

Maybe both of you are not ready.

If 1 day, your gf is feeling bad about something and she is not sharing it with you,

If 1 day, she don't question you when she have doubts about you,

If 1 day, she don't even feels angry over anything you did,

Then its time.



Relationship needs a lot of time to nurture. Human only likes to enjoy the advantage of being in a relationship but they forgot nothing have only advantages. When they faces the disadvantages, they would complain and think is their partner’s fault. 1 hand claps no sound people! Who is at wrong, does that matter? What matters is the relationship, which consist of 2 person. 1 + 1 = 1, is it right? If wrong, MAKE IT RIGHT!

Defensive Mode

There are some people in this world, once they open their mouth to have a conversation, regardless of whether the intention is good or bad, they immediately turned the opponents’ defensive mode on. So whatever is said, whether it is an advice or for pure sharing purpose, people normally would not accept and they would think you are acting-clever.

But situation like this would not occur all the time. Some people that are eager to hear what others are willing to share. They are willing to put down their pride, admit to the mistake and listen to what others have to say. And in most of this case, they are willing to share more, get more, and buy the idea of another person.

In this 2 statements shows 2 different subject’s characteristic. But this 2 different characteristic are actually as of the same person. The only thing that is different is the person who is doing the talking.

We often put the blame on the subject when things like this happened. We said, that person is too ego to learn, or he/she is too stubborn, would not listen to what the elder said.

In fact I think, a good speaker normally put somebody in a comfortable mode, instead of defensive mode, Many people especially superior often meant good, but being perceived bad. Why? Some people have the ability to make you talk a lot about yourself even though you just knew them. If you think back, they are certain people that you did not know them very well, but you are willing to share with them things in depth about you that you would not even share to a person whom you know for 5 or 10 years.

And If the subject is not willing to talk more about themselves, and you are trying to help, how would you know what actually had happened that causes the subject to act so? The worse case is, the subject would just lazily agree with whatever that is being said, but the heart would be thinking, “what is this bullshit? You don’t even know what actually happened, and you think you are very clever, trying to give me advice? Get off~”

So, put someone in a comfortable position to speak what is of mind. You need to be open minded enough to accept whatever is being said. Don’t give over response because people are scared being perceived as abnormal.

Regardless of what way you use, the question is, when you speak,

how do you make people accept your idea?

THAT, is the final goal.

update

wuhooo¬¬ today I ain't feeling good....My beautiful dream slowly crashes.. Human are really unsatisfiable... when you have this, you want that..

I said I wanna lead a simple life.
I said I wanna be contented of what I have now...
and yet!
YET!
I look to the higher stream,
I chase over luxurious life,
I spend money like shit,
and then I realized
my money slowly runs down
and then I realized
I earn not enough
and THEN I realized
where is my simple life?
is it possible?
Can I stay focus and go for what I wanted,
stop changing?
I thought human don't like changes, why not the same for this?
*This month, I have 3 contracts on me + I just went to Bali, so Im kind of fuckup my bank account suddenly less many k suddenly... SHIT!

Smoking

Sorry, but I saw on Xiaxue's blog, and I think out of all the picture she put up, this suits all my boy friends whom smokes the most!!! I find it very funny, but meaningful. To those who read my blog that smokes, MANY OF YOU, YES YOU! Look down at your dick and tell yourself its time to quit...muahahahahahha

Oh by the way, if you doono what limb means : In a difficult, awkward, or vulnerable position.

Who Moved My Cheese

"Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again, checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us."

A.J Cronin

Update

Im far too tired to post an entry..but I do have alot of things I wanna remember it here...*sigh*


Anyway Im heading a 4 days trip to Bali on Saturday morning to Tuesday night.


Happy 23rd Birthday to myself. I donno if I can wait till 12am, but last year this time, my classmates burst into my house with a green tea cake specially bought from very far away...


I wish time could turn around again. Im celebrating the 1st second of my birth date myself this year...



or....u guys are with me here?

ACCEPT

Maybe I should learn the word “ACCEPT”



Accept what god has given to me, accept people’s help! Accept what others are willing to do for me. Accept my life is perfect.



When things are imperfect, we complain and we seek for perfection…but when god gives us perfect, we doubt and say that is unrealistic…we try to make it realistic, then unintentionally we spoiled the thing and now we say HEY that’s more realistic, then after some time we start saying nothing is perfect. Instead of nothing is perfect, maybe we should change the practice, “human can never be contented of what they have”, full of doubts and desire…human can be so complicated, yet, they are actually very simple. It is all about how you think, and how you work it out. Complication came in when you doubt…fear creates doubts, so where does fear came from?



Tell me, past experience? How can we link it with past experience when things can not be the same?



Time changed, environment changed, people changed. Be fair!



My family used to teach me that we should never fall into the same hole twice, in fact, they teach me not to even fall at all. “Listen to the experienced people”, she says. Prevent fall! Avoid! Cautious!



But can things be the same? Are they the same?



Can we really not fall? Is it possible? Is it really that good having yourself standing strong all the time?



There are always more than 1 angle in judging on something, pros always come with cons…



Back to the square, from which angle do we want to view the point from?



Who make the choice?

Who doubt?

Who fears?

Who make things complicated?

Where is perfect?

Everything lies in within yourself!

Doubts

I used to believe that 2 smart person can not be together as in, building up a family and have a future. The reason is because when a person is too smart, he sees through all the wits and ends of almost everything. So when 2 smart people are together, they do things with intentions and motives you could say to spice up the relationship( which is a good thing if the intention was good), and to make it even better...But since both of them see every single thing thoroughly, this will lead to another smart person to doubt the intention and motives behind what he/she does whether everything done is a trap or it is for the sake of love.

However in short term, 2 smart person being together will create FIRE, not jus sparkle, yes! but fire! and these 2 person can love until die. Yes I really believe so! You may say they were both cheating themselves...

Because intention lies only within that person, all the other person have to do is blindly TRUST, which is another thing that smart person's hates to do!

Then you begin to wonder who this person is, so you try to dig out from all sort of resources, to judge this person's personal characteristic...to convince yourself that everything is real, that you are not blindly trusting...

If this it is a trap, at the end of the day, someone will get hurt and then you will find out, who is smarter, or who is more emotional in the game, or who is more naive...

I don have "if the love is real, the motives and intentions are all good, this 2 person will......"
Can someone continue this for me? I seriously can't continue...becoz after what I wrote, continue it with, "happily ever after" will seems to be written by a 3 years old kid.

AWWWww~~ my sights seems to be getting darker...whY?

Disclaimer : This has got nothing to do with my personal life, I am just sharing what I used to believe and now I am doubting because nothing is definate. Pls do not use your own imagination to guess the story. Because there is no story. Thank you!

Wishes

Sometimes there are things that we wanted so much, but as we grow up, we realized that not everything that we wished could come true. It is very naïve to think so. In fact, that’s stupid. Sometimes a simple wish could be hard to make it sound. Coz there are too many considerations as we grew up. Too many considerations….

You can’t be selfish to request that much from people… you gotto think the other way round and convince urself that, its OKAY~! Perhaps you don’t like what you wish. So you create a lie and convince yourself and everybody else.. and then, you realized it becomes so real sometimes even you doubt IF you really like it that way…

Then, amazingly, you started to enjoy and you forget about the idea of what you really wanted and what you really like. Who cares? As long as we live life happy. Is this right?

Fight for what you really want? haha If getting what you want require others to sacrifice just simply anything, regardless of whether they are willing or not, THEY ARE sacrificing for your tiny wish, Is that right? I rather not want it and forgo what I wanted… Silly? Maybe…I don deserve people to do things for me....

Nothing is perfect.

These thoughts came from someone that asked me whats my plan for my coming birthday ( yeay I AM SENDING OUT REMINDERS!! haha). I said no need to celebrate…is just another day, which is true to me also…so, 1 of my wishes for my coming birthday : All the people I love to be with me…. IMPOSSIBLE~!

A better wish : People whom I love greet me a happy birthday and pray for my happiness.

Thank you!

Sometimes, I asked myself, "can you even be true to yourseld?", yes I can, but is there a need to do so?

Im in love?

Its too fast..i know, but i surrender to fate? This is what i mean by too good to be true. Pls people, pray for me....

Im a changed girl...

Crazily in love...

辛福

Was reading the last post....I really felt Im so blessed. God actually loves me so much in another way. Yes, things were always taken away for me, thats to make me even stronger n tougher. But when bad things happened, my friends are always always there for me. You guys know who u are...I posted that I have no appetite in fb, the next day, sms keeps coming from all over, to ask if im alright... I felt so paiseh making people worry. But I did keep my promise. I try my best to eat as much as I can.

Then people start wild guessing that because of the broken relationship, I was too depressed thats why that happens...BUT HEYY!!!! I can confirm its not. Coz Im really feeling so happy n contented now. So pls, stop making a reason for me. Its not larr.

This time, things were great because family are all fully on my back. I felt so loved, I felt so full in life these days...What more could I ask for in life? This is what I had always been dreaming about...