I hardly had enough sleep for the past few weeks. Continuoes mid term every week since don't know when. The stress is pilling up and up like a mountain. I coped well until Thursday...
(Monday and Tues i was studying macro and busying with society work...and only manage to finish half of it)
When i started my accounting study, which is said Topic 1, 2, and 3 will come out... as normal, people start from 1st topic. Questions from the lecture note was easy. But my friend told me Tutorial 2, Question 2 is coming out. So I start with that question right away after finishing lecture's question. Having to know that this topic was supposed to be very easy...I happily start out with that Question 2.
At that point of time, when i tried 3 times understanding the whole thing but failed...i losses all my confident. I was defeated, mentally and physically as i was so tired of everything.
I gave up. I gave up from the 1st topic itself...
The rest of the week is spent...pointless...
I seems to be able to do nothing more than sleeping.
Yes, I do study, but nothing goes inside. Day before yesterday, my roomate told me that question was really hard. And I later found that, that question was averagely very hard for everyone. So i wasn't the only 1 who felt its hard.
I've given up because I thought thats the easiest topic and yet i can't do in the question. Later day before the exam, when i told my roommate about the 1st topic itself is already so hard, she advised me to start from the back. Which she thinks is much easier...
I did it and manage to understand topic 3. Everyone was saying that the test will have 3 questions, choose 2. Meaning only 2 topics will come out. So i focused on 2 topics.
But everything was merely too late. My fighting spirit had been killed. Although i tried so hard to put in everything...i bet only 20% of it went in.
Yesterday, 4pm was the test. I seriously think i will flunk the paper. Only answer 2 question out of 2. The topic which i focused on didn't come out.
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Later, 9am I will be sitting for macro. Time had never been so difficult. I sat here after the accounting paper, in the beginning telling myself, macro is not that hard...a subject which i think is easy.
When i start with the theories, only 20% went in. I don't know what is wrong. I had lost my confident. The fighting spirit is dead. I've given up. I think I cannot do it. I cannot understand and its too hard..and that I have not enough time even if its not that hard. I fail to convince myself I can make it. Because i tried 3 times in that accounting same question, but i failed to understand it. Now, I am so lost. I stare at the papers... nothing can go inside. Nothing can be done. How can I understand when only 20%s goes in? This feeling is extremely miserable. It has never been so bad. The feeling is worse than anything... The brain is empty.
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I sms somebody knowing she will know what to teach me to do. Always been like that. The 1st question she asked me when she called was "did you cry?"..
I felt so much like crying all the while...but I just can't cry out. She convince me its ok. Everybody will/had been through this stage before.
She explained why all these thing happened. I have to admit that tears came out when she pointed out correctly that I've losses all my confident. She didnt mention it very hard, i guess she is take caring my ego. I knew myself. But I just can't figured out what I can do now to make things better at least.
She said confidence is not something you can build back in just hours..plus you are so stress now...
So since nothing perfect can be done, we do what we can do now. She suggested me 2 choices... 1 : go to sleep. Think of nothing.
2: If you can't fight them, join them! Since you can't study now, don't study. Go for output. Do as many exercise as you can, WIHTOUT hoping you can answer any of it so that you won't lose more of your confident. If you can't do, then just refer the answer. Waste the time doing until you are tired then go to sleep, rather than staring there, nothing goes inside. Don't hope for anything, and don't think of whats going to happen tomorrow. Treat it as you have nothing better to do now. Just waste your time, simply do it. By the time you finish doing things blindly, you never know how many things had actually goes inside. At least there are more hopes of getting things inside this way rather than staring at the papers. Losing more and more confident when nothing goes inside.
When you have no better options but you are forced to go for it, you won't be getting anywhere by just standing there. Sometimes, simply banging like a bull, could possibly bang you a way out.
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She told me to trust her and work that way. Or if i have better options, go for it.
If i had better options, I think she won't be receiving my sms.
How can I reject this method when it explains everything so logically?
Can I find somebody understand me more than she do? You see, I explain what happened in so many words here. What I sent to her was only 3 smses, and she is able to come out with all the logical explaination and immediately called to come out with these solutions and reasons. I bet somebody can explain to me whats wrong like she do.
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I never thought confidence is so important....
Nobody knows how grateful I am to have her, to just exist in my life.
She asked me to promise her not to think whats ahead until everything finished tomorrow. How can I not promise her when its meant for my own good and when im so weak inside out?
Writing this, I am admitting defeat. Admitting a failure. I hope this will be the 1st step towards better.
Too bad she is a girl.
Many thoughts in just few hours of visit there. The old folks were actually sitting outside, waiting for our arrival when we reached. Some may have just sat there didn't know how to communicate with us,(I didn't really know what to talk to them either...so bad in talking with old folks...gotto learn more, I shall!), but when we were shaking their hands each by each, warm sincere smile is drawn on their faces.
They consist of young to old people. Mostly having some health problems, abandon by their family. Lavin, me and Jordon had some talk over the corner. And I think what she said is touching...
There was 1 aunty there, having a 4th stage of cancer, taking chemotherapy to survive. She could not take solid food, as she cannot digest and she will just vomit out. What she took is only a kind of organic drinks...the doctor says, she will leave us just anytime. Having heard of this, I've been told that her 2 kids never visit her and the last time the small son brought her home, it was like on Chinese New Year....and later when she is brought back to the old folks home, her condition got worsen.
What is wrong with this world? You tell your parents, you have no time taking care of them? You have no even just a few hours to visit them in old folks home???? They are the people that brings LIFE to you. Will you be in this world if not because of them?
