Days

Heavy rain..another fantastic day.. Dono why work seems to be pilling up and up, and I really doubt if I can cope it..

I am an extremist!

I am a weird person..when I can't be sure about I would be happy picking calls, going out, or unhappy settling at home, I set my hp into airplane mode. Until I'm sure I can take either 1, This is not the first time I'm doing such a weird thing.. Like I can't decide whether this guy is good or not, I keep myself away from all the guys.. Yeah~! I jus need a he'll peaceful life. So if u love me, please stay away!

Needs vs desire

What we need and what we really wanted sometimes, is so far apart. Huge gap.

Maybe...I had always been finding what I wanted, and never did I realized what I really needed. After I found what I need, I lost what I want. And there it goes, vice versa.

Then, balance comes in.

Balance is like perfection. Impossible to reach.

A courage

Love requires alot of courage...and I had been questioning myself, what am I searching for?

I had always known clear what I want and what I need. But I tried and it always ended up a failure. This time, I make a 180degree turn. Lets see what will happen...

Bad day

When you don't appreciate everything that you are having...

Life is so messed up~!

And

Fucked up!

Short update

Day passes with activities quickly everyday. I pack my schedule full and tight, because I am afraid of quiet. Just when I have 2 to 3 hours of more time, sitting down, nothing to do....everything start to comes back.

Life is good...

The Latter path

Two roads diverge in a yellow woods...I always choose the latter path..
Is it because I am stubborn? Or I believe...so strong?

I had fun, I enjoyed, but I am still missing him. I did everything to stop him from contacting me again, knowing that will be good for me. Always, I am regret for what I had done. I cut my hair short to remind myself, what is done can't be undone, regardless of you are happy with it or not..

So I tell myself its no big deal. Life goes on and soon, I will find someone better... but its been 2 months, why am I still anticipating his return that I have delayed so much.

I still firmly believed that he will return. And I hope when he does, I am not the same anymore. Perhaps god is playing us. I know when he return it will be too late. Time is not right.

I am fine.

At the same point

I know I am still circling at the same point, refuse to go out of it. I still cry every night, asking why, why all these have to happen to me??

Sigh

What is wrong with me? Can somebody tell me? Why its just me? again and again...

I didn't believe he can be this cruel...at some moment when I am really depress, I really felt like dying right in front of him... But frankly, I am scared that he would not even care at all.

You know, at times of so so down time, when he and I are so messed up, perhaps this is the time that we really evaluate the other, after seeing that person's ups and down...whether or not we can still accept each other or we condemn and judge each other through the last thing did.

THanks

Thanks everybody for the concern and support.

I need a help, to find somebody to replace him to go Sipadan trip with me. Just have to pay for the transfer name fee, around RM 400 plus minus.

Flight, accomodation and some meals provided together with snorkeling... 16 to 19 Sept. I really need someone to replace him, coz otherwise I will be staying in the hotel room alone.

I still didn't know how I should talk to my sister about this. She is pregnant...And only begining of this month I told her, 1 of my friend(male) is going and he will be sleeping in the same room with me. She felt really weird but didn't asked much. Before that she already suspected something weird because I kept telling her probably my friend will be going but when she wanna asked further I always refuse to tell her more details...I was so scared of something like this would happen back then, but I thought nth so bad could happen since we were going quite steady for the past 4 months...n who knows..

Now everyday she is pestering me about my friend's flight seat number and add on to luggage weight...

Most of you wanted me to just tell her the truth. I never told her I have a bf, and now I need to tell her I broke up and he isn't going anymore. Begining of the month I only told her add 1 more friend and his ticket is booked..

Haih...why I have to clear this mess?

Yesterday I actually requested him to just go this trip with me as a friend...so that I can finish with my sister...but he refused...

Updates

I was so into proving things right that I got lost. I lose faith.

I am the best, I will succeed...I need to motivate myself more and gain back my self confidence.

Victory!!

I am so happy today. After all that had happened, I am a better me now.

Thanks for letting me know who he really is!

By the way, I guess he pester his ex so much, and talk bad about me so much to her, and in the end she said something bad about me, saying I was doing small action behind...

Nevermind....wish her best of luck. Some people just don't fall never know pain. Or perhaps he is really a changed man, for her? hahaa

She deleted me from her fb, I was jumping happy.

Temper

I will not lose my temper for the next 3 months...

I would like to challenge that!!!

Another turn in life...

Life once again hit me to the lowest...

The relationship went wrong, I would say it was because of me. My subconscious mind is controlling me too much, by the time I realized, its already too late. Life only got 1 chance. Once you missed it, its gone...

Understanding was not there, though I have no right to expect anything..

Life goes on. Just as it didn't hit hard enough, my work gave me a big shock, and it totally goes opposite of what I thought. It hit me real hard...I am scared to face my office tomorrow...

I am just so sorry for what happened to myself. I have no more energy to fight now. I will only do what I should really do, and let things go naturally and wait time to pass and heal all the wounds...

Life goes on...no matter how pain, how hard, tomorrow will still come.

I wish to be alone and to myself now.

Believed in Kharma

If I were ever right...

Guilt is the noblest revenge. There is good and bad in every human. Don't do too many harm to others until when 1 day you decided to be good, all the bad things you did comes back to hunt you. You know, you have a long bright future. You will possibly have daughter in future. If god can't punish you, god will punish people you love and treasured most. Can you imagine your worriness when your daughter is born? After all the lies to girls that loves you and treasured you? That kind of guilt will hunt you forever. The hurt you will have to bear seeing your daughter being punished just because of the things you did now? Exactly the same thing that you did to other people will come back to your daughter or to someone you loved, I am not cursing, I am sharing with you before its too late because I have been through this but nothing so bad of that sort. I hope you can be sincere to things and people around you. Doing good because you really wanted to. Not because you are afraid of bad things that will happen, in the end you are lying to yourself. Be sincere, god knows and god is watching. Face all the bad that you have done bravely, no more lies and no more harm to others. Find back your peace and conscience at the same time find back who you really are as a human. Don't blame anything for what you are today, we are responsible to our self conduct. Every good and bad done will be accounted wihtout any excuse.

You can't make sure you are always being spared by good energy around you in your entire life. You have many years more to go, it is impossible that your life will be forever like now. When you are not as rich as you are someday, when everything start to turn down...

I may have sound like I am cursing you..But my intention is good, I don't have to convince you or anybody to believe me. I do not want to revenge or wish something bad could happen to you. I sincerely wish you can repent. Whatever you will become in future, it is none of my business. I don owe you anything, I treated you sincerely, although I may not have done good enough. I may be silly or stupid, but what I do is what I really wanted to do. I am happy with everything that I have done. It is really hurting for me, but this few months means nothing compared to 20 or 30 years to come. I am glad of what happened, be it real or not, I am happy this few months.

Thank you.

Only if I were ever right...If not, you can just read it as leisure.

Really?

Last Friday, I hardly hold anymore. While I was working, many times I stopped myself from crying. I tried not thinking about it. FInally, working hour finishes, and I am able to be myself again.

On the way driving back home, I almost lost my soul. It was raining so heavily and I was driving in very reckless manner. I cried to myself, finally, I am able to express myself. I tried to be, I tried to be wise, but being wise means lying to myself.

So until Saturday, I decided to ignored whatsoever to try and tell myself, perhaps what he was saying is true. On Friday the girl told me, and somehow, she makes me feel she isn't a very good girl after all. She has quite some low EQ, I over estimated her. Many things that she did and wanted to do, was so way out of expectation. Something like getting involves parents.

I forgave him. And believed his side of story.

HI

Hi friends, its been really long ive neglected this blog. I guess friends whom are still reading must be somebody really loves and concern about me. Aprreciate that and really thankful.

I think I am really lucky to be born as what I am, but sometimes being me its not really good itself.

Early this week, I found out something that I would have settled down happily not knowing. I felt responsible for ruining another girls' life. Maybe she really do not need to know the truth. Its really cruel for her. Accidentally, I almost become a 3rd party. Or perhaps to her, I am already is.

LIfe is funny, I used to scold those who spoilt ppl's relationship, a bitch. BUt now, *sigh* that is the reason why I really can't forgive this time. Perhaps I will regret 1 day. Maybe he is really true.

But there are too many maybes in the world. I need to protect myself. And believe in myself.

Life goes on. sometimes i wish to cry out, but I couldnt. I did some jogging today, I just wish to run my lung out and forget about everything.

I am doing better than I thought.

JUMP JUMP

I SO FUCKING LIKE MY BAG,

but i can't shout it out...coz i am trying to stay low profile, and

I AM SO FUCKING LIKE MY LIFE NOW!!!!!!!!


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA

Burberry

Let the picture do the talking... its sinful, its guilty, but its exciting, and its addictive~

The funeral

Munchy's boss passed away last Thursday. He was a successful and good man, at least as far as I know and many others.

I saw his body on a coffin, it was much sader than I thought I would be. No matter how good, how much you have contributed, how many ppl you have helped, how successful or how rich you are, when you are dead, you start a new journey in another way. Here, you are just a thing inside a box...

THe funeral was really grand, discourage flowers but still the whole place is like jungle now. He was put in his mansion and there is "cab" circling around the area, to fetch most of the people that have to park their car far away. Many ppl went to help out, in and out.

Hope he rest in peace, although it was somehow like accident, but he is really old.

My work

The best thing about my work is that despite being so so stressful, every time I brought documents for approval by our GM, he would gave us some words of encouragement and understanding like.

" the 2 markets you are handling are tricky and very political, you are very lucky because once you do well in these 2, then you are higher above level"

"how are you taking in everything? you are still new, give yourself more time...don't pressure yourself too hard"

;)

Things keep changing...

My working stress has reaches its limits, that for the first time in my life, after 1 month of working in a new company, I burst out crying. I felt so helpless when customer pushes you, you trying hard enough, you have not enough time, and internal staff scaring you and scolding for not doing everything in the right order. But I have really no time. I have no time for water/toilet. Seriously...I think I got the whole sales team so worried. Luckily manager is at China. Everybody really gave me a hand. Hope and pray, tomorrow my stock is ready inside the container...god bless me.

A while I thought its going to be good. After 1 or 2 weeks, things change again.

Am I taking things too seriously again?

I have lost all my confidence. Stop believing things will be good for me.

I give up easily, I surrender to fate. I have no energy to fight nymore. I will not make sure anymore. Lets just go with the flow, and let things happen. Everything will be alright when you least expect it.

Its a peaceful day. THank god for that.