I suddenly remembered 2 years ago, while we were on a trip at S'pore during Christmas, Orchard Road, there was an event at the road side. The emcee speaking through the mic half way, the mic dropped on the floor and produced a very loud irritating bang. My friend was really angry because it hurt the ears. He was scolding some bad words....then I soothe him, telling him that it is not done purposely. My friend was quite surprise...and then he said a thing that keeps me remembered until now.
He said, "...you always think other people very good wan horr...no matter what they do, they always have good reason from you"
Not just in this incident, 2 years back, I believed people will not purposely want to harm people. Everybody have their good reason doing bad things.
Looking through my recent post, I was taken aback on how much I have actually changed.
I can't accept something, can't believe a people closest to you can harm you too. I can't take the fact. But I had forced myself to take it. It is the long and slow torture. You won't die, but in deep pain everyday. It makes my world so grey that I don't believe what I used to believe anymore. I feel so alone, really alone, unprotected.
Now, everytime when I felt a little bit of threats around me, I build up my wall until it holds no more, then it collapse.
I no longer believe human are good. I just realized this. Its quite saddening. I want to believe it once again. I donno whether I will. People, give me a hug.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
When a problem arises...
When a knife is poke to her...
...the doctor says, "you are so pain, i am afraid if in any form i try to heal you now, it will cause u even more pain. So I will wait until it is not so pain, then only I start to heal you."
Not knowing letting the wound any longer will result in further injuries, and torture, she is left there lying. Until 1 day when she is in so deep pain that she can't take it anymore, she gave up on living. She close her eyes to sleep. Hoping it will at least ease a little of my pain and die slowly. No more begging the doctor to save her life. Assuming that the doctor just don't have courage to kill her, assuming that the doctor thinks she can't be cured anymore. Letting herself sleep...
Understand that healing is only a short pain. It could make health stronger in future, who knows? Such an easy way to cure, people just can't understand.
Worse is, patient is then being blamed to have gave up easily. Not trying harder. Because all the audience listen is only what the doctor says.
"the patient slept to death"
She already tried all her way to persuade the doctor that she don't mind a short pain, but healing and making health stronger, perhaps, although, healing process can be a risk of killing, cause every surgery has a percentage of death.
But risking by healing is better than waiting to death. Man, she thinks she died so innocent.
Tell me I am wrong. Again, I hope I am wrong.
When I tell this story to my boyfriend letting him understand why is avoiding to solve when we quarrel, for weeks is not right.....he said,
cHeEz…™ says THANK YOU says (1:22 AM):
walao
cHeEz…™ says THANK YOU says (1:22 AM):
u like to make things sound so serious
My effort of coming out with this example, easiest way to let him understand where is our problem, he told me like this.
I really hope I can sleep faster.
...the doctor says, "you are so pain, i am afraid if in any form i try to heal you now, it will cause u even more pain. So I will wait until it is not so pain, then only I start to heal you."
Not knowing letting the wound any longer will result in further injuries, and torture, she is left there lying. Until 1 day when she is in so deep pain that she can't take it anymore, she gave up on living. She close her eyes to sleep. Hoping it will at least ease a little of my pain and die slowly. No more begging the doctor to save her life. Assuming that the doctor just don't have courage to kill her, assuming that the doctor thinks she can't be cured anymore. Letting herself sleep...
Understand that healing is only a short pain. It could make health stronger in future, who knows? Such an easy way to cure, people just can't understand.
Worse is, patient is then being blamed to have gave up easily. Not trying harder. Because all the audience listen is only what the doctor says.
"the patient slept to death"
She already tried all her way to persuade the doctor that she don't mind a short pain, but healing and making health stronger, perhaps, although, healing process can be a risk of killing, cause every surgery has a percentage of death.
But risking by healing is better than waiting to death. Man, she thinks she died so innocent.
Tell me I am wrong. Again, I hope I am wrong.
When I tell this story to my boyfriend letting him understand why is avoiding to solve when we quarrel, for weeks is not right.....he said,
cHeEz…™ says THANK YOU says (1:22 AM):
walao
cHeEz…™ says THANK YOU says (1:22 AM):
u like to make things sound so serious
My effort of coming out with this example, easiest way to let him understand where is our problem, he told me like this.
I really hope I can sleep faster.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
colorgenic is crazy @@
You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offence.
Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments. It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone - to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offence.
Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments. It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone - to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Eve
Its new year eve. That means Chinese New Year is really approaching. Days passed really slow for me. I don't know why I have nothing to look forward to. Previously I was so much hoping that chinese new year will really come faster. Coz 2007 was really a bad year for me. Hoping that 2008 will change a bit of my luck. Though, crossing the borders, I didn't feel much different. Maybe time just haven't come.
I seems to have so much to blog about. Yesterday my 2nd sis went to cousin's house to give away new year gifts. They talked, then she started to cry again. I just don't know why she must be so weak. The fact is already like that, what we can do is just face it bravely and find out what we can do to make it better. I don't know whether she did, but she always cried. And every time she cry, she weaken my spirit to fight on.
This is so not a home. This house is big, very comfy, full of luxurious food. But is empty inside. My cousin said a word which I long ago felt, 家合万事新. I never realize the importance of this. A family really shape a person. What a person believes in, practices all come from family. If you don't like me, I hope you will understand, if you don't, I am sorry. I don't like myself either, sometimes. But I had no choice. If I had a choice, I would stop my dad from dying. Coz all the tragedy started 12 years ago. Man, I was still 11 by then. How long have I endure this kind of family? It has all been planted inside me.
Not that I am unhappy, I am not happy either, I am just feeling feelingless right now. Staying in a place so strange, luckily at times, I still have my sisters and bro-in-laws...although they always quarrel which to me, is really sad, but I think I shall appreciate what is left rather than counting what I don't have.
Maybe this is a way to sound more cool, or maybe this is what I really left....
"Where is the love?"
I seems to have so much to blog about. Yesterday my 2nd sis went to cousin's house to give away new year gifts. They talked, then she started to cry again. I just don't know why she must be so weak. The fact is already like that, what we can do is just face it bravely and find out what we can do to make it better. I don't know whether she did, but she always cried. And every time she cry, she weaken my spirit to fight on.
This is so not a home. This house is big, very comfy, full of luxurious food. But is empty inside. My cousin said a word which I long ago felt, 家合万事新. I never realize the importance of this. A family really shape a person. What a person believes in, practices all come from family. If you don't like me, I hope you will understand, if you don't, I am sorry. I don't like myself either, sometimes. But I had no choice. If I had a choice, I would stop my dad from dying. Coz all the tragedy started 12 years ago. Man, I was still 11 by then. How long have I endure this kind of family? It has all been planted inside me.
Not that I am unhappy, I am not happy either, I am just feeling feelingless right now. Staying in a place so strange, luckily at times, I still have my sisters and bro-in-laws...although they always quarrel which to me, is really sad, but I think I shall appreciate what is left rather than counting what I don't have.
Maybe this is a way to sound more cool, or maybe this is what I really left....
"Where is the love?"
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Life is hard on me
These 2 weeks was really really bad.
The complicated family has made me struggle between love and hate. Maybe thats why I don't know how to handle a relationship. We have just broken up. He can't tolerate, and I can't. I am very upset. But I guess this is a decision good to myself. I just need time to heal.
The complicated family has made me struggle between love and hate. Maybe thats why I don't know how to handle a relationship. We have just broken up. He can't tolerate, and I can't. I am very upset. But I guess this is a decision good to myself. I just need time to heal.
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