Flash back~

I browsed back my post back on Nov 2007. I remembered it is exactly as what I am feeling now. I try to search on how I survived in the end,and roughly how long it took. I think its around 5 months time. I wish to get through it, really. I have too much time thinking on my own. Everybody is too worried about me, it gave me pressure. I don't know if I am able to receive love from people that just love me. I grow up earning love. Not being love for no reason. So its hard for me to accept love. I will either reject or think that is fake.

I realized I have a very bad concept, I don't deserve to be loved.

A new life begins

Ever since the news of my tender started to spread out, many of my friends and colleagues outside my dept starts to concern about the reason for leaving and care about the next plan.

Especially last week and this week, every day there are people treating me eating nice food, to bid me farewell and to wish me the best of luck. I am really very touched. Eating expensive food and helping me.

I started to ask myself, what happened to me? Is this really so not a place to me? It wasn't that unhappy before this, yeah then I started to remember. Since when I became so unhappy here?

And 1 by 1, the reason started to come out. It was me, maybe I was too impatient, or too eager to find out whats gonna happen next.

Its all started from a relationship and a promise that I will get back to Malaysia. Duration : 1 year.

As 1 year is getting nearer, and as the relationship gets weaker due to the long distance, I get more agitated and upset.

To go back, first condition I would need is to buy a car, and make myself financially stable. So that at least, my family wouldn't yell more about the come back? With Melbourne trip (1 week) on May, and Sipadan trip (4 days) on Sept, I am giving myself far too heavy pressure, to the extent that the only way I would survived is to save and save as much money as I can.

Imagine, the me as you know, so cannot-stay-at-home, going home everyday after work, and most of the time, skipping dinner. Just stay in front of the computer and having the bf did not have enough time to accompany, so basically I just face the 4 walls IN my room for the past few months. How would I not be depressed? I spend less than $5 a day. Tried my best to choose the cheapest food available, eating 1 and half meal a day.

1month:

$60 spend on transport. Enough to and fro from my company, I even walk to work sometimes now.

$180 max for food

$80 phone bills (too generous, but it was fixed amount. It is supposed to be paid by my bf, but too bad, empty vessel makes the most noise, and worst, he refuse to make good use of the money, saying he is too busy to talk, too tired to talk)

$27 on broadband

$420 for rental

My spending shrink more and more as every month pases?I also need to pay $767 for my early termination for my Iphone contract if I go back to Malaysia. So with so much in mind, I started to un-socialize my life, having to know that once I go out, dinner or what so ever, money is in concern. So I stop going out with my colls, and lock myself at home every single day for about 2 months +.

All that I do, is for what?

As I was longing for more costless company, he asked me do I have nothing else to do beside this relationship?

He would say he did not asked me to do all these. As if I am too stupid for doing all these thing myself.

Yeah, I do all these willingly. Just because the relationship is getting weaker, and I wanted to be by his side. As his wish too, initially. And because he asked me to come back. Maybe he didn’t really mean it, who knows?

1 month before this, me and my bf were still happily together. With him, being restricted by me, for don-go-out-so-frequently-with-ur-friends or till too late.

I was depressed after do self-torturing, i claim now. And I broke down. Go crazy.

He cannot take it.

We had endless quarrel.

I decided to resign. And go back. Believed that things will solve, if i go back.

He felt pressured by my craziness and he said I was being too emotional on deciding stuff.

The fact was I can't take this kind of life anymore. I wanted to end this, at least he will be by my side and we would solve the problem together when I am at Malaysia.

We were not in good terms for more than a month, last 2 weeks, he agreed on the break up(when I was too crazy and emotional to initiate it).

The next day, I begged him not to leave me especially at times of me in desperately need of support.

He said we calm down for a while. He go out with his friends happily, forget he has a relationship on casually, ring me up when he likes, and ignores when he don't. Claiming he is so busy and tired. For 2 weeks. But it was like years for me. He never care or concern. Carry on with his carefree life. Without burden.

He asked me, if I have any other thing to do than this relationship.

I asked myself, do I really have nothing else to do beside in a relationship?

Why am I doing all these?

I am pursuing the life that I wanted.

I want to settle down.

But with who? Him? Only god knows, and its for us to find out.

I just want an answer more quickly..

It truly hurts, deeply.

Why am I doing all these? Will the "come back" guaranteed long lasting happiness? No. If no, then why not guaranteed the happiness for at least now?

I am stupid. Because he did not ask me to do all these. He just asked me to come back. COME BACK is all he says. When I tell him, I have many liabilities here in Singapore, and I am still financially unstable to go back, he just told me, “you can make it, other people make it too, why not you,I can survived with the salary now”. That was his solutions for me. And I figured out myself in the end, I survived at last, but he never concern how did I get it through, did he? In the end? What is it all for? And he chose to hurt me and the relationship(I believe) for calming down too long, for not understanding. And when I was so so depressed, he did not catch my fall but chose to push me aside and let me face everything on my own.

Is it true that at times of difficult, you see a person’s true personality?

I knew everybody was looking at me with 1 kind of eyes. Disappointment for the decision to come back and give up Singapore so early.

But they still refuse to open their mouth, maybe they trust that in the end, I will come around, in sound mind.

I want to settle down. I am tired of a life like waves.

Lets comment.

My fault

Once said, everything happened for a reason. If you have not found the reason, maybe you just have not try hard enough. Or if you have try hard enough, maybe the TIME have not arrive for you to understand...

I am weak in consistently believing in many things. Coz I believe too that we must be a survivor, things changed, environment and many things changes. So we should flow with the situation. But believe just cannot be alias with surviving!!!

I had a long talk with my friend, after a hug, I feel he is like a brother more than a boyfriend. So I still believe that we can no longer love like a couple, I hope I am wrong for this...coz he isn't gonna accept my weakness and I also believes in karma, which happened to me that I had not gonna my ex's weakness before this. Sincerely hope somebody can prove me wrong...

Oh I so regret...haha because only now I understnad, but its too late and is happening to me now.

Give me a frog and I definately going to doubt if he is going to turn into a prince and while a little bit of me believing so, I would still not accept him for being a frog.

I am so crap rite? Cannot tahan myself @@

I just need more people to make me believe by telling me how to, that it is going to work, after letting me convince them that it is not so.

I so know what is happening on me but I just couldn't help it. So, HELP ME!!!! I don wanna become an old woman alone till old can?

If 1 day I can stop doubting my believes, I can be a miracle wonder woman, do you believe it? Hahaha I seriously believes that.

Only if the ifs happens...

p/s : environment is utmost important for a communication to happens.

Money is the root of ALL evil

Im facing the new question in life. Should I go back BP or stay at Singapore?

I really dislike Singapore. Its definately not a place where I want to be. Besides money, almost nth I like about Singapore.

Who really knows what is gonna happened in the future?

At least NOW im sure this is not the place I wanted to be. Rite?

I had a talk with my mum. Makes me feel i really dislike her. She asked me when I wanted to come Sg that time, what did I say? I said if i go working at KL, I would not want to go Singapore later. Like what is happening to my friends. Until now, I still agree with that.

I said, in the beginning, the thinking was too naive. Many things unknown before this was known about Singapore lifestyle, and all. So how can we then said, the decision was wrong then? I shouldn't have came, this n that? Maybe this life is good for others, but not me rite? I am not them correct? So what? Escalation of commitment?

She told me, 2 years later, you might say again, that your thinking now is naive too.
So she isn't gonna tell me that she will support me no matter what. When I asked for her support again and again, she laugh and say, am I just going to force her to fakely support me? I regret making the call to her. She is still as hard as a stone. Refuse to be our mother. I think she prefers to be the advisor rather than our mother. Every body in the family knows and just bit our lips hard. I know I just played on fire for trying.

What I need is a support from her. Whether she supports my decision or not, I will still think carefully and think about her advise before making the decision.

I think nobody would support me. Thats really very sad....

Coz everybody is gonna think their own reason why I choose to go back instead of staying here or some other big places. Is so not me, I know but can I ask a question? How many ppl really think they know me? The me now?

I don't owe anybody an explaination. Im tired of being expected of what I should do for my life.

Big D

I check mate my company today...

1 manager, 3 ppl in Costing, 2 Costing officer resign today! Super shiok..

but I am guilty for it.

My manager face straight turn black.

There are many reason of me doing so. But still it serves me 2 ways still ( I believe). To turn back or not to.

For both, surely, it is a better way.

Thank god I am courageous enough.