Short weekend

Working life is so boring. Now at bp, people keep telling me, WOW, so nice u only have to work 5 days a week. But I did not felt anything anything. Coz it has been like that all while, for me.

Maybe I really have to learn how to appreciate EVERYTHING.

Fri night went to Penthouse with a friend. Then we tapao-ed the very nice imported beer and went to Dreamworld until late night.
Sat morning i went to tint my glass, that cost me RM1300 with carpet installed!!!! @@ I so run out of money. Don't know how, or if i will survive. Hope my credit card bill come later this month, haih. Oh yea...my new car!



Then at night went to mee pub. I was very fun, can fight with KL's club. Until 4 something.

And today, I forgot that I have a movie to catch with my friend. Rush there and got in just in time. It was a good movie but I don't like to watch movie so stress and scary. But overall Sanctum is a nice show, i watched it in 3d.

Later I went yumcha with 2 rounds, reach home 11 sth, and now its 12!!!

Life is good. :) Very good indeed.

When you have made up your mind. Its past, so I shall accept it and let it past. Let it go when you have tried your best. There will be no regrets. Somemore he really isn't a good guy~ at least this thought have been consistent all the while.

So decision is made. I shall go on with my new life.

Thank you for all the support my friends gave me. Especially a few person that keeps calling me, Alex, Hungene, Manjit, Yeong Hann, Wendy, my brothers, Dicky, the family. Thanks for always ever ready to be there.

Cry

Cry until sleep, wake up continue crying...

I don't even dare to go downstairs to face my family. My mum came to my room just now. I was on call talking. I knew she saw my eyes, red and bulky... but she didn't say anything. I feel really glad that she pretend nothing happen. She just ask me to help out in the kitchen when I am okay~ and ask me to get something to eat. I have not taken any food till now.. but i don't feel anything. Maybe pain is the only feeling I can feel right now, and that feeling makes me feel I am still alive.

I can't stop crying...

Why am I still alive?

Friends say I am turning circle in the same place. Refuse to walk out. I don't know how to walk out of the circle.

I wanted to end my life...

Love is not about 'its your fault' but 'Im sorry'
Not 'where are you' but 'Im right here'
Not 'how could you' but 'I understand'
Not 'I wish you were' but 'Im thankful you are'

Fall in love but not stumble,
be consistent but not too persistent
share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand
and get hurt but never keep the pain

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else,
but its more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love.
Only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it
if he is not worth it not, he is not going to be worth it a year or 10 years later.
Let go.

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expected it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

Love isn't about becoming someone else "perfect person"
Its about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go.
The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

June 03

Last year June 03, I was proudly in love. Thought this is it, thought finally. Since the beginning of this January, every hope shattered. God knows how ache my heart is. I don't know how I survived until now and how long will I still survive with this. How stupid I feel for giving up everything for this unworthy man. Who doesn't know how to appreciate, and only knows how to criticize. Who doesn't care for me physically and mentally. Who is so fucking selfish and irresponsible. Today is valentines day. Another occasion, celebrated alone. If last year was a bad year, make this year a good one.

I hope I can go through this. If not, bless me. No matter where I ended up to be.

Worst

I always think of the worst situation, and imagine it to happen before it ACTUALLY happens. In the end I got myself so scared of the worst and got myself so depress. Didn't everything just turn out to be smooth? Who can correct my mindset when I start thinking about the worse?

I hate this habit of mine. It is already over for "prepare for the worst". The worst always haunts me until things happened to be smooth/bad.

Haven't I have enough prove?

I really need to improve this.

Very tough...

I am really learning how to accept it. He wanted to break up with me. I am trying to say it to my family and friends, so that I will be able to go through faster...I can't make myself to.

I can't stop crying..I am not okay~

What can I do to end this?

Somebody pls teach me....

I am afraid, so afraid of doing anything might caused him more frustrated...

Flash back~

I browsed back my post back on Nov 2007. I remembered it is exactly as what I am feeling now. I try to search on how I survived in the end,and roughly how long it took. I think its around 5 months time. I wish to get through it, really. I have too much time thinking on my own. Everybody is too worried about me, it gave me pressure. I don't know if I am able to receive love from people that just love me. I grow up earning love. Not being love for no reason. So its hard for me to accept love. I will either reject or think that is fake.

I realized I have a very bad concept, I don't deserve to be loved.

A new life begins

Ever since the news of my tender started to spread out, many of my friends and colleagues outside my dept starts to concern about the reason for leaving and care about the next plan.

Especially last week and this week, every day there are people treating me eating nice food, to bid me farewell and to wish me the best of luck. I am really very touched. Eating expensive food and helping me.

I started to ask myself, what happened to me? Is this really so not a place to me? It wasn't that unhappy before this, yeah then I started to remember. Since when I became so unhappy here?

And 1 by 1, the reason started to come out. It was me, maybe I was too impatient, or too eager to find out whats gonna happen next.

Its all started from a relationship and a promise that I will get back to Malaysia. Duration : 1 year.

As 1 year is getting nearer, and as the relationship gets weaker due to the long distance, I get more agitated and upset.

To go back, first condition I would need is to buy a car, and make myself financially stable. So that at least, my family wouldn't yell more about the come back? With Melbourne trip (1 week) on May, and Sipadan trip (4 days) on Sept, I am giving myself far too heavy pressure, to the extent that the only way I would survived is to save and save as much money as I can.

Imagine, the me as you know, so cannot-stay-at-home, going home everyday after work, and most of the time, skipping dinner. Just stay in front of the computer and having the bf did not have enough time to accompany, so basically I just face the 4 walls IN my room for the past few months. How would I not be depressed? I spend less than $5 a day. Tried my best to choose the cheapest food available, eating 1 and half meal a day.

1month:

$60 spend on transport. Enough to and fro from my company, I even walk to work sometimes now.

$180 max for food

$80 phone bills (too generous, but it was fixed amount. It is supposed to be paid by my bf, but too bad, empty vessel makes the most noise, and worst, he refuse to make good use of the money, saying he is too busy to talk, too tired to talk)

$27 on broadband

$420 for rental

My spending shrink more and more as every month pases?I also need to pay $767 for my early termination for my Iphone contract if I go back to Malaysia. So with so much in mind, I started to un-socialize my life, having to know that once I go out, dinner or what so ever, money is in concern. So I stop going out with my colls, and lock myself at home every single day for about 2 months +.

All that I do, is for what?

As I was longing for more costless company, he asked me do I have nothing else to do beside this relationship?

He would say he did not asked me to do all these. As if I am too stupid for doing all these thing myself.

Yeah, I do all these willingly. Just because the relationship is getting weaker, and I wanted to be by his side. As his wish too, initially. And because he asked me to come back. Maybe he didn’t really mean it, who knows?

1 month before this, me and my bf were still happily together. With him, being restricted by me, for don-go-out-so-frequently-with-ur-friends or till too late.

I was depressed after do self-torturing, i claim now. And I broke down. Go crazy.

He cannot take it.

We had endless quarrel.

I decided to resign. And go back. Believed that things will solve, if i go back.

He felt pressured by my craziness and he said I was being too emotional on deciding stuff.

The fact was I can't take this kind of life anymore. I wanted to end this, at least he will be by my side and we would solve the problem together when I am at Malaysia.

We were not in good terms for more than a month, last 2 weeks, he agreed on the break up(when I was too crazy and emotional to initiate it).

The next day, I begged him not to leave me especially at times of me in desperately need of support.

He said we calm down for a while. He go out with his friends happily, forget he has a relationship on casually, ring me up when he likes, and ignores when he don't. Claiming he is so busy and tired. For 2 weeks. But it was like years for me. He never care or concern. Carry on with his carefree life. Without burden.

He asked me, if I have any other thing to do than this relationship.

I asked myself, do I really have nothing else to do beside in a relationship?

Why am I doing all these?

I am pursuing the life that I wanted.

I want to settle down.

But with who? Him? Only god knows, and its for us to find out.

I just want an answer more quickly..

It truly hurts, deeply.

Why am I doing all these? Will the "come back" guaranteed long lasting happiness? No. If no, then why not guaranteed the happiness for at least now?

I am stupid. Because he did not ask me to do all these. He just asked me to come back. COME BACK is all he says. When I tell him, I have many liabilities here in Singapore, and I am still financially unstable to go back, he just told me, “you can make it, other people make it too, why not you,I can survived with the salary now”. That was his solutions for me. And I figured out myself in the end, I survived at last, but he never concern how did I get it through, did he? In the end? What is it all for? And he chose to hurt me and the relationship(I believe) for calming down too long, for not understanding. And when I was so so depressed, he did not catch my fall but chose to push me aside and let me face everything on my own.

Is it true that at times of difficult, you see a person’s true personality?

I knew everybody was looking at me with 1 kind of eyes. Disappointment for the decision to come back and give up Singapore so early.

But they still refuse to open their mouth, maybe they trust that in the end, I will come around, in sound mind.

I want to settle down. I am tired of a life like waves.

Lets comment.

My fault

Once said, everything happened for a reason. If you have not found the reason, maybe you just have not try hard enough. Or if you have try hard enough, maybe the TIME have not arrive for you to understand...

I am weak in consistently believing in many things. Coz I believe too that we must be a survivor, things changed, environment and many things changes. So we should flow with the situation. But believe just cannot be alias with surviving!!!

I had a long talk with my friend, after a hug, I feel he is like a brother more than a boyfriend. So I still believe that we can no longer love like a couple, I hope I am wrong for this...coz he isn't gonna accept my weakness and I also believes in karma, which happened to me that I had not gonna my ex's weakness before this. Sincerely hope somebody can prove me wrong...

Oh I so regret...haha because only now I understnad, but its too late and is happening to me now.

Give me a frog and I definately going to doubt if he is going to turn into a prince and while a little bit of me believing so, I would still not accept him for being a frog.

I am so crap rite? Cannot tahan myself @@

I just need more people to make me believe by telling me how to, that it is going to work, after letting me convince them that it is not so.

I so know what is happening on me but I just couldn't help it. So, HELP ME!!!! I don wanna become an old woman alone till old can?

If 1 day I can stop doubting my believes, I can be a miracle wonder woman, do you believe it? Hahaha I seriously believes that.

Only if the ifs happens...

p/s : environment is utmost important for a communication to happens.

Money is the root of ALL evil

Im facing the new question in life. Should I go back BP or stay at Singapore?

I really dislike Singapore. Its definately not a place where I want to be. Besides money, almost nth I like about Singapore.

Who really knows what is gonna happened in the future?

At least NOW im sure this is not the place I wanted to be. Rite?

I had a talk with my mum. Makes me feel i really dislike her. She asked me when I wanted to come Sg that time, what did I say? I said if i go working at KL, I would not want to go Singapore later. Like what is happening to my friends. Until now, I still agree with that.

I said, in the beginning, the thinking was too naive. Many things unknown before this was known about Singapore lifestyle, and all. So how can we then said, the decision was wrong then? I shouldn't have came, this n that? Maybe this life is good for others, but not me rite? I am not them correct? So what? Escalation of commitment?

She told me, 2 years later, you might say again, that your thinking now is naive too.
So she isn't gonna tell me that she will support me no matter what. When I asked for her support again and again, she laugh and say, am I just going to force her to fakely support me? I regret making the call to her. She is still as hard as a stone. Refuse to be our mother. I think she prefers to be the advisor rather than our mother. Every body in the family knows and just bit our lips hard. I know I just played on fire for trying.

What I need is a support from her. Whether she supports my decision or not, I will still think carefully and think about her advise before making the decision.

I think nobody would support me. Thats really very sad....

Coz everybody is gonna think their own reason why I choose to go back instead of staying here or some other big places. Is so not me, I know but can I ask a question? How many ppl really think they know me? The me now?

I don't owe anybody an explaination. Im tired of being expected of what I should do for my life.

Big D

I check mate my company today...

1 manager, 3 ppl in Costing, 2 Costing officer resign today! Super shiok..

but I am guilty for it.

My manager face straight turn black.

There are many reason of me doing so. But still it serves me 2 ways still ( I believe). To turn back or not to.

For both, surely, it is a better way.

Thank god I am courageous enough.

Friends when I am down, believe in me

Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
until now i still not sure if i will regret
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
sounds like changed alot
Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
yeap
life dream changed
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
what's ur dream now? be someone normal?
Cheryl says (11:59 PM):
be a good mum good wife
-Nicholas: says (11:59 PM):
=D
u sounds to be a good woman now
Im damm suprise of it!
-Nicholas: says (12:00 AM):
it's a good thing though
=)
last time u was too ambitious
Cheryl says (12:01 AM):
really?
-Nicholas: says (12:01 AM):
but good also
lol
ya
but no matter ur previous dream or current dream
u was always looks great
has own thinking
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
the way u insist ur thing is kindda enchanted
Cheryl says (12:02 AM):
not anymore i gues
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
hmmm
dont give up so early
life is a long long journey
-Nicholas: says (12:03 AM):
maybe the previous 20++ years...u hasnt know what ur dream really look like?
or maybe even now...this is still not ur final achievement?
we experience as time goes by, and we are still finding....
-Nicholas: says (12:04 AM):
don't lose ur confident and insistant so fast
it's ur specialty
=D
it's ur signature that defines u

What is love?

If love is to be an action, it is so so far away...
If love is to be a voice, it is quite far too...
If love is to be a word, it will be nearer...
If love is just a click away, it is everywhere, I believe...

If love is love, why does it have different?
Do we love only when it is convenient?
When it is smooth sailing?
Or regardless what...?

I am finding love...
people may have a lot of courage to love,
but did not want to sacrifice,
I am just right opposite...
What is love?
Where is love?

People,
If tomorrow I die...
will the action of love still as far?
Will you give me a hug,
let me know you love me?
Why that difficult to get love?
Am I using threats to get love?
Or sacrifice my life to prove love?


When we know we are about to lose it,
or lost it,
only then we start to realized?
Give me your love...

Where?

Over the year, things keep changing. I think this is the most drastic changes happened in me throughout my life maybe. Plan changes, life changes, environment changes. I am kinda exhausted. I tell myself to accept the fact that I am already working. And I will be working for the next 10 years I am sure. Study life had ended. Accept this fact is exhausting enough for one.

The change of my future life-plan kind of change too many things in me. Many times I really doubt if I am sure all this is what I will want, after working and achieving quite a number in the past, am I ready to let go? and start all over again? When unsolved problems start arising one after another, sometimes I gave up and go back to the middle of the crossroad again. All and all, I feel I am so wasting time, first with starting all over again and second with the doubting and stopping there, thinking.

Until now I am not sure. Time is so precious. This makes me feel so frustrated and angry with myself.

Despite all the existing troubles I faced in work, life now is kinda quiet and boring. I like that. But its abit solo, cause eventually I start to ignore friends, yes I do, and start to avoid crowd.

Sigh. After all that I have built up!! I am so dilemma.

Conclusion : maybe my ultimate problem is I just cant made up my mind and just GO FOR IT without looking back.

Letting things go...

The beginning of letting things go is always seems to be difficult...or maybe impossible... Very funny... people like to create their own obstacles in mind. Before they do it, they would think how hard it is, or how impossible it is...we always create a bearer for ourself. When in fact, after the 1st attempts tried out, it is much easier than it seems.

Some people think letting go its an end. While in fact, everything is just a beginning. As much as I thought its hard to let go, it is as easy and I thought it would hurt. Yea but its just a little.

People used to tell me that, if you let go and it comes back, then its yours. If it don't, then its not yours. The question is, what if it don't come back? If we don't start letting go, forever that question would stay unanswered. If you wanna find out an answer, you have to start letting go. I guess we have to start to be honest with ourself, face the truthful fact. Life isn't everytime out of your way. Believe! and have faith!

Life is just a gamble on fate.

Today I tried something new out, something that I thought I would have cared so much, but the fact is, I did not care as much. And the answer is, it didn't come back. Perhaps it haven't. But I think I am impatient to find out("I think", is perhaps another obstacles made for myself, I do not deny the possibility of that).

It hurts, by the fact that the answer isn't very favorable? Or the fact that I didn't care as much? I donno..Though I guess its the latter....

Good nite people! Filled me with love pls...lots of hugs... thanks!

A lesson I learnt

Just a short one before I call it a day..

As much as you want to prove the things you said were right, so does the other party! In a disagreement, someone could be right. If a person must be right, another person must be wrong. So proving you right gave you the feelings of satisfaction. People tend to forget, it has exactly the same effect inversely.

If proving yourself right gave you satisfaction, it gave the other person dissatisfaction.
If proving yourself right make you feel you are cleverer, you are just trying to let the other person know he/she is stupid.

If we no need to prove him wrong, and let him/her find out themself, that is a win win situation. Just sometimes, it takes time. But if time is not a factor, learning ourself is much better than being proved wrong.

The real friends

I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends about this issue before. And after getting their feedback, I assume this theory is super right!

There are certain friends that will leave you after you have a bf/gf because they dislike people whom forget their friends after they have bf/gf. Some friends will get angry because after you have a gf/bf, you start to forget about your friends(they claim). Some will even let go of the friendship because of this reason. Stop helping you when you are in need.

To us, the question is, what is a real friend?

We have 24 hours a day. After minus sleeping, working time, own private time(bathing, driving, eating, etc) and others, how many hours do we really left? Can I say, less than 5hours? Besides friend, we have family. Do we really have enough time to have it all?

I think that is quite impossible. A gf/bf is somebody closed to us after family. And friends surely come after gf/bf. I assume a gf/bf is someone you will make them your family later ( I am not talking about those gf/bf that were just having fun, or those that you fuck around). So it depends on which one you treat as priority. Which type of life you seek as more important for your future. If you wanna spend next century of your life with your friend, then spend quality time with them, that’s understandable. But make sure your friend have the same goal as you, that they wanna spend next century of their life with you too! Which is quite impossible.

Back to the point.

To me, a REAL friend is the people that will understand what is important FOR your life. They won’t get angry when you don’t spend time with them because they understand that you are planning your future, for a happy life. But when you call them for help, even after not contacting them for so long, they will be there for you. Or even you don’t meet them after years, you still have many things to talk about, you won’t feel weird after not contacting them for so long. REAL friends UNDERSTAND what you need to focus in life, and yet, they are there for you, and you know it. They won’t let you choose between a gf or friend, because they know what is good for you.

Even if not so…Would you rather risk losing your gf/bf than risk losing your friend? If you can CLAIM understanding from your gf/bf, why you can’t claim understanding from your friends?

If he isn’t a real friends for now, even you keeping in touch with them, neglecting your gf/bf, they will only be there for you when it is CONVENIENT. They won’t help you when it is inconvenient. But talking about convenience, I think any people can/able to help you when it is convenient. To me, you don’t need to spend too much time, I seriously mean it’s a waste of time to spend time with these people. Time is so precious, so spent quality time. Be productive for your life.

When we wanna help someone or do something, we don’t just do it when it is too convenient. We would sacrifice to help or to achieve something we want in life.

I have plenty of friends like this, PLENTY, yes. Im so so glad, in life I make good friends.

Do you have any?

Life is quite fair. What you do now is what you will be getting back for return in future. No pain, no gain.

Time can prove things right/wrong...

If a gf needs to create a havoc to get your attention :

The caused of it is you don’t pay enough attention to her :

It could be because you are too busy to be in a relationship,

Then don't be in a relationship!

Or she could be an attention seeker, which all girls are!

Not to everybody but at least she needs the bf’s attention.

Attention is 1 of the human’s emotional needs beside love and secure.



If the gf likes you losing your temper

That’s pathetic because she would purposely make you angry

Just to prove that you care for her,

That you still remember you have a gf.

She is doing something to savor her feeling, maybe just the wrong way.

If she don’t even do anything when she feels that way,

You ought to be worry.



If the gf needs to threatened you with a 3rd party

To let you notice other people are paying attention on her,

Maybe both of you are not ready.

If 1 day, your gf is feeling bad about something and she is not sharing it with you,

If 1 day, she don't question you when she have doubts about you,

If 1 day, she don't even feels angry over anything you did,

Then its time.



Relationship needs a lot of time to nurture. Human only likes to enjoy the advantage of being in a relationship but they forgot nothing have only advantages. When they faces the disadvantages, they would complain and think is their partner’s fault. 1 hand claps no sound people! Who is at wrong, does that matter? What matters is the relationship, which consist of 2 person. 1 + 1 = 1, is it right? If wrong, MAKE IT RIGHT!

Defensive Mode

There are some people in this world, once they open their mouth to have a conversation, regardless of whether the intention is good or bad, they immediately turned the opponents’ defensive mode on. So whatever is said, whether it is an advice or for pure sharing purpose, people normally would not accept and they would think you are acting-clever.

But situation like this would not occur all the time. Some people that are eager to hear what others are willing to share. They are willing to put down their pride, admit to the mistake and listen to what others have to say. And in most of this case, they are willing to share more, get more, and buy the idea of another person.

In this 2 statements shows 2 different subject’s characteristic. But this 2 different characteristic are actually as of the same person. The only thing that is different is the person who is doing the talking.

We often put the blame on the subject when things like this happened. We said, that person is too ego to learn, or he/she is too stubborn, would not listen to what the elder said.

In fact I think, a good speaker normally put somebody in a comfortable mode, instead of defensive mode, Many people especially superior often meant good, but being perceived bad. Why? Some people have the ability to make you talk a lot about yourself even though you just knew them. If you think back, they are certain people that you did not know them very well, but you are willing to share with them things in depth about you that you would not even share to a person whom you know for 5 or 10 years.

And If the subject is not willing to talk more about themselves, and you are trying to help, how would you know what actually had happened that causes the subject to act so? The worse case is, the subject would just lazily agree with whatever that is being said, but the heart would be thinking, “what is this bullshit? You don’t even know what actually happened, and you think you are very clever, trying to give me advice? Get off~”

So, put someone in a comfortable position to speak what is of mind. You need to be open minded enough to accept whatever is being said. Don’t give over response because people are scared being perceived as abnormal.

Regardless of what way you use, the question is, when you speak,

how do you make people accept your idea?

THAT, is the final goal.

update

wuhooo¬¬ today I ain't feeling good....My beautiful dream slowly crashes.. Human are really unsatisfiable... when you have this, you want that..

I said I wanna lead a simple life.
I said I wanna be contented of what I have now...
and yet!
YET!
I look to the higher stream,
I chase over luxurious life,
I spend money like shit,
and then I realized
my money slowly runs down
and then I realized
I earn not enough
and THEN I realized
where is my simple life?
is it possible?
Can I stay focus and go for what I wanted,
stop changing?
I thought human don't like changes, why not the same for this?
*This month, I have 3 contracts on me + I just went to Bali, so Im kind of fuckup my bank account suddenly less many k suddenly... SHIT!