OwnMyWay

Promoted

2011-12-07T22:10:00.000+08:00

Its the year end and its time for appraisal... hope I am able to fast forward the track...

I really wish I could..

Wish me super luck ~

Days

2011-11-16T19:20:00.001+08:00

Heavy rain..another fantastic day.. Dono why work seems to be pilling up and up, and I really doubt if I can cope it..

I am an extremist!

2011-11-11T21:26:00.001+08:00

I am a weird person..when I can't be sure about I would be happy picking calls, going out, or unhappy settling at home, I set my hp into airplane mode. Until I'm sure I can take either 1, This is not the first time I'm doing such a weird thing.. Like I can't decide whether this guy is good or not, I keep myself away from all the guys.. Yeah~! I jus need a he'll peaceful life. So if u love me, please stay away!

Needs vs desire

2011-11-09T18:55:00.002+08:00

What we need and what we really wanted sometimes, is so far apart. Huge gap.

Maybe...I had always been finding what I wanted, and never did I realized what I really needed. After I found what I need, I lost what I want. And there it goes, vice versa.

Then, balance comes in.

Balance is like perfection. Impossible to reach.

A courage

2011-11-07T18:25:00.003+08:00

Love requires alot of courage...and I had been questioning myself, what am I searching for?

I had always known clear what I want and what I need. But I tried and it always ended up a failure. This time, I make a 180degree turn. Lets see what will happen...

Bad day

2011-11-02T18:43:00.001+08:00

When you don't appreciate everything that you are having...

Life is so messed up~!

And

Fucked up!

Short update

2011-10-16T18:25:00.004+08:00

Day passes with activities quickly everyday. I pack my schedule full and tight, because I am afraid of quiet. Just when I have 2 to 3 hours of more time, sitting down, nothing to do....everything start to comes back.

Life is good...

The Latter path

2011-09-25T17:39:00.003+08:00

Two roads diverge in a yellow woods...I always choose the latter path..
Is it because I am stubborn? Or I believe...so strong?

I had fun, I enjoyed, but I am still missing him. I did everything to stop him from contacting me again, knowing that will be good for me. Always, I am regret for what I had done. I cut my hair short to remind myself, what is done can't be undone, regardless of you are happy with it or not..

So I tell myself its no big deal. Life goes on and soon, I will find someone better... but its been 2 months, why am I still anticipating his return that I have delayed so much.

I still firmly believed that he will return. And I hope when he does, I am not the same anymore. Perhaps god is playing us. I know when he return it will be too late. Time is not right.

I am fine.

At the same point

2011-09-01T18:41:00.002+08:00

I know I am still circling at the same point, refuse to go out of it. I still cry every night, asking why, why all these have to happen to me??

Sigh

What is wrong with me? Can somebody tell me? Why its just me? again and again...

I didn't believe he can be this cruel...at some moment when I am really depress, I really felt like dying right in front of him... But frankly, I am scared that he would not even care at all.

You know, at times of so so down time, when he and I are so messed up, perhaps this is the time that we really evaluate the other, after seeing that person's ups and down...whether or not we can still accept each other or we condemn and judge each other through the last thing did.

THanks

2011-08-21T13:51:00.004+08:00

Thanks everybody for the concern and support.

I need a help, to find somebody to replace him to go Sipadan trip with me. Just have to pay for the transfer name fee, around RM 400 plus minus.

Flight, accomodation and some meals provided together with snorkeling... 16 to 19 Sept. I really need someone to replace him, coz otherwise I will be staying in the hotel room alone.

I still didn't know how I should talk to my sister about this. She is pregnant...And only begining of this month I told her, 1 of my friend(male) is going and he will be sleeping in the same room with me. She felt really weird but didn't asked much. Before that she already suspected something weird because I kept telling her probably my friend will be going but when she wanna asked further I always refuse to tell her more details...I was so scared of something like this would happen back then, but I thought nth so bad could happen since we were going quite steady for the past 4 months...n who knows..

Now everyday she is pestering me about my friend's flight seat number and add on to luggage weight...

Most of you wanted me to just tell her the truth. I never told her I have a bf, and now I need to tell her I broke up and he isn't going anymore. Begining of the month I only told her add 1 more friend and his ticket is booked..

Haih...why I have to clear this mess?

Yesterday I actually requested him to just go this trip with me as a friend...so that I can finish with my sister...but he refused...

Updates

2011-08-18T22:52:00.002+08:00

I was so into proving things right that I got lost. I lose faith.

I am the best, I will succeed...I need to motivate myself more and gain back my self confidence.

Victory!!

I am so happy today. After all that had happened, I am a better me now.

Thanks for letting me know who he really is!

By the way, I guess he pester his ex so much, and talk bad about me so much to her, and in the end she said something bad about me, saying I was doing small action behind...

Nevermind....wish her best of luck. Some people just don't fall never know pain. Or perhaps he is really a changed man, for her? hahaa

She deleted me from her fb, I was jumping happy.

Temper

2011-08-17T21:09:00.001+08:00

I will not lose my temper for the next 3 months...

I would like to challenge that!!!

Another turn in life...

2011-08-14T21:45:00.002+08:00

Life once again hit me to the lowest...

The relationship went wrong, I would say it was because of me. My subconscious mind is controlling me too much, by the time I realized, its already too late. Life only got 1 chance. Once you missed it, its gone...

Understanding was not there, though I have no right to expect anything..

Life goes on. Just as it didn't hit hard enough, my work gave me a big shock, and it totally goes opposite of what I thought. It hit me real hard...I am scared to face my office tomorrow...

I am just so sorry for what happened to myself. I have no more energy to fight now. I will only do what I should really do, and let things go naturally and wait time to pass and heal all the wounds...

Life goes on...no matter how pain, how hard, tomorrow will still come.

I wish to be alone and to myself now.

Believed in Kharma

2011-08-11T18:39:00.001+08:00

If I were ever right...

Guilt is the noblest revenge. There is good and bad in every human. Don't do too many harm to others until when 1 day you decided to be good, all the bad things you did comes back to hunt you. You know, you have a long bright future. You will possibly have daughter in future. If god can't punish you, god will punish people you love and treasured most. Can you imagine your worriness when your daughter is born? After all the lies to girls that loves you and treasured you? That kind of guilt will hunt you forever. The hurt you will have to bear seeing your daughter being punished just because of the things you did now? Exactly the same thing that you did to other people will come back to your daughter or to someone you loved, I am not cursing, I am sharing with you before its too late because I have been through this but nothing so bad of that sort. I hope you can be sincere to things and people around you. Doing good because you really wanted to. Not because you are afraid of bad things that will happen, in the end you are lying to yourself. Be sincere, god knows and god is watching. Face all the bad that you have done bravely, no more lies and no more harm to others. Find back your peace and conscience at the same time find back who you really are as a human. Don't blame anything for what you are today, we are responsible to our self conduct. Every good and bad done will be accounted wihtout any excuse.

You can't make sure you are always being spared by good energy around you in your entire life. You have many years more to go, it is impossible that your life will be forever like now. When you are not as rich as you are someday, when everything start to turn down...

I may have sound like I am cursing you..But my intention is good, I don't have to convince you or anybody to believe me. I do not want to revenge or wish something bad could happen to you. I sincerely wish you can repent. Whatever you will become in future, it is none of my business. I don owe you anything, I treated you sincerely, although I may not have done good enough. I may be silly or stupid, but what I do is what I really wanted to do. I am happy with everything that I have done. It is really hurting for me, but this few months means nothing compared to 20 or 30 years to come. I am glad of what happened, be it real or not, I am happy this few months.

Thank you.

Only if I were ever right...If not, you can just read it as leisure.

Really?

2011-07-18T18:49:00.002+08:00

Last Friday, I hardly hold anymore. While I was working, many times I stopped myself from crying. I tried not thinking about it. FInally, working hour finishes, and I am able to be myself again.

On the way driving back home, I almost lost my soul. It was raining so heavily and I was driving in very reckless manner. I cried to myself, finally, I am able to express myself. I tried to be, I tried to be wise, but being wise means lying to myself.

So until Saturday, I decided to ignored whatsoever to try and tell myself, perhaps what he was saying is true. On Friday the girl told me, and somehow, she makes me feel she isn't a very good girl after all. She has quite some low EQ, I over estimated her. Many things that she did and wanted to do, was so way out of expectation. Something like getting involves parents.

I forgave him. And believed his side of story.

HI

2011-07-14T20:55:00.002+08:00

Hi friends, its been really long ive neglected this blog. I guess friends whom are still reading must be somebody really loves and concern about me. Aprreciate that and really thankful.

I think I am really lucky to be born as what I am, but sometimes being me its not really good itself.

Early this week, I found out something that I would have settled down happily not knowing. I felt responsible for ruining another girls' life. Maybe she really do not need to know the truth. Its really cruel for her. Accidentally, I almost become a 3rd party. Or perhaps to her, I am already is.

LIfe is funny, I used to scold those who spoilt ppl's relationship, a bitch. BUt now, *sigh* that is the reason why I really can't forgive this time. Perhaps I will regret 1 day. Maybe he is really true.

But there are too many maybes in the world. I need to protect myself. And believe in myself.

Life goes on. sometimes i wish to cry out, but I couldnt. I did some jogging today, I just wish to run my lung out and forget about everything.

I am doing better than I thought.

JUMP JUMP

2011-04-26T21:55:00.002+08:00

I SO FUCKING LIKE MY BAG,

but i can't shout it out...coz i am trying to stay low profile, and

I AM SO FUCKING LIKE MY LIFE NOW!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA

Burberry

2011-04-23T18:21:00.007+08:00

Let the picture do the talking... its sinful, its guilty, but its exciting, and its addictive~

The funeral

2011-04-10T11:16:00.002+08:00

Munchy's boss passed away last Thursday. He was a successful and good man, at least as far as I know and many others.

I saw his body on a coffin, it was much sader than I thought I would be. No matter how good, how much you have contributed, how many ppl you have helped, how successful or how rich you are, when you are dead, you start a new journey in another way. Here, you are just a thing inside a box...

THe funeral was really grand, discourage flowers but still the whole place is like jungle now. He was put in his mansion and there is "cab" circling around the area, to fetch most of the people that have to park their car far away. Many ppl went to help out, in and out.

Hope he rest in peace, although it was somehow like accident, but he is really old.

My work

2011-04-03T14:53:00.003+08:00

The best thing about my work is that despite being so so stressful, every time I brought documents for approval by our GM, he would gave us some words of encouragement and understanding like.

" the 2 markets you are handling are tricky and very political, you are very lucky because once you do well in these 2, then you are higher above level"

"how are you taking in everything? you are still new, give yourself more time...don't pressure yourself too hard"

;)

Things keep changing...

2011-03-20T20:53:00.002+08:00

My working stress has reaches its limits, that for the first time in my life, after 1 month of working in a new company, I burst out crying. I felt so helpless when customer pushes you, you trying hard enough, you have not enough time, and internal staff scaring you and scolding for not doing everything in the right order. But I have really no time. I have no time for water/toilet. Seriously...I think I got the whole sales team so worried. Luckily manager is at China. Everybody really gave me a hand. Hope and pray, tomorrow my stock is ready inside the container...god bless me.

A while I thought its going to be good. After 1 or 2 weeks, things change again.

Am I taking things too seriously again?

I have lost all my confidence. Stop believing things will be good for me.

I give up easily, I surrender to fate. I have no energy to fight nymore. I will not make sure anymore. Lets just go with the flow, and let things happen. Everything will be alright when you least expect it.

Its a peaceful day. THank god for that.

Saturday @ Fruity Cherry Mini

2011-03-05T03:04:00.002+08:00

New member of the family...

Work

2011-03-02T20:27:00.002+08:00

My work starts to get pressure as I am still new. Many things needs to be follow up, and I am still in a blur kind of situation. Though quite interesting, I like the job. It will just take time for me to blossom.

Something happened yesterday on my job. I am in charge of Pakistan market, and we appoint agent to get order. Many agents in the same market.

So yesterday was the first day of the month. Day before we had a meeting, and the manufacturer association (according to our general manager) said that critical is the condition now, with raw material (high demand low supply) and customer ( low demand low supply). Interesting eh?

So everybody are trying different strategy. I was told to annouce new increased price. To all agent together in 1 email so as to convey the message that we did not favor any agent in the same market, all are given at the same price. And I guess 1 of the agent was too panic to see price increase, he immediately reply that he is going to place order already, still waiting for customer's confirmation, therefore he would want things to be in old price.

Everything was right except he reply send to all!

THen, when he realized that, he send a message to my senior, my Ass manager and manager, saying that I leak out p&c info to outsiders. Wuhoo~~

I was afraid. seriously, when my AM look at me, and asked did I send out information to outside...we didn't know which he were refering to. I thought I send the wrong mail to the wrong agent or what...

She checked my mail and found none. And she guessed its the new quotation I sent to all agents together. Then she receieved the mail, regarding that particular agent sent to all others agent and me, revealing customer's name.

She called my manager to explain, they were all in KL's exhibition.

Today morning, that agent's boss sent 2 email, to manager, AM, asking why did I send that mail to all, it causes his employee to leak out info, making all the others agent know that those customer's name, and therefore other agent will approach their customer.

Exciting? 2nd week of my job.

Short weekend

2011-02-27T17:24:00.015+08:00

Working life is so boring. Now at bp, people keep telling me, WOW, so nice u only have to work 5 days a week. But I did not felt anything anything. Coz it has been like that all while, for me.

Maybe I really have to learn how to appreciate EVERYTHING.

Fri night went to Penthouse with a friend. Then we tapao-ed the very nice imported beer and went to Dreamworld until late night.
Sat morning i went to tint my glass, that cost me RM1300 with carpet installed!!!! @@ I so run out of money. Don't know how, or if i will survive. Hope my credit card bill come later this month, haih. Oh yea...my new car!

Then at night went to mee pub. I was very fun, can fight with KL's club. Until 4 something.

And today, I forgot that I have a movie to catch with my friend. Rush there and got in just in time. It was a good movie but I don't like to watch movie so stress and scary. But overall Sanctum is a nice show, i watched it in 3d.

Later I went yumcha with 2 rounds, reach home 11 sth, and now its 12!!!

Life is good. :) Very good indeed.

When you have made up your mind. Its past, so I shall accept it and let it past. Let it go when you have tried your best. There will be no regrets. Somemore he really isn't a good guy~ at least this thought have been consistent all the while.

So decision is made. I shall go on with my new life.

Thank you for all the support my friends gave me. Especially a few person that keeps calling me, Alex, Hungene, Manjit, Yeong Hann, Wendy, my brothers, Dicky, the family. Thanks for always ever ready to be there.

Cry

2011-02-15T15:33:00.002+08:00

Cry until sleep, wake up continue crying...

I don't even dare to go downstairs to face my family. My mum came to my room just now. I was on call talking. I knew she saw my eyes, red and bulky... but she didn't say anything. I feel really glad that she pretend nothing happen. She just ask me to help out in the kitchen when I am okay~ and ask me to get something to eat. I have not taken any food till now.. but i don't feel anything. Maybe pain is the only feeling I can feel right now, and that feeling makes me feel I am still alive.

I can't stop crying...

Why am I still alive?

Friends say I am turning circle in the same place. Refuse to walk out. I don't know how to walk out of the circle.

I wanted to end my life...

2011-02-15T02:25:00.002+08:00

Love is not about 'its your fault' but 'Im sorry'
Not 'where are you' but 'Im right here'
Not 'how could you' but 'I understand'
Not 'I wish you were' but 'Im thankful you are'

Fall in love but not stumble,
be consistent but not too persistent
share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand
and get hurt but never keep the pain

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else,
but its more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love.
Only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it
if he is not worth it not, he is not going to be worth it a year or 10 years later.
Let go.

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expected it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

Love isn't about becoming someone else "perfect person"
Its about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go.
The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

June 03

2011-02-14T20:22:00.002+08:00

Last year June 03, I was proudly in love. Thought this is it, thought finally. Since the beginning of this January, every hope shattered. God knows how ache my heart is. I don't know how I survived until now and how long will I still survive with this. How stupid I feel for giving up everything for this unworthy man. Who doesn't know how to appreciate, and only knows how to criticize. Who doesn't care for me physically and mentally. Who is so fucking selfish and irresponsible. Today is valentines day. Another occasion, celebrated alone. If last year was a bad year, make this year a good one.

I hope I can go through this. If not, bless me. No matter where I ended up to be.

Worst

2011-02-09T10:28:00.002+08:00

I always think of the worst situation, and imagine it to happen before it ACTUALLY happens. In the end I got myself so scared of the worst and got myself so depress. Didn't everything just turn out to be smooth? Who can correct my mindset when I start thinking about the worse?

I hate this habit of mine. It is already over for "prepare for the worst". The worst always haunts me until things happened to be smooth/bad.

Haven't I have enough prove?

I really need to improve this.

Very tough...

2011-02-01T22:21:00.004+08:00

I am really learning how to accept it. He wanted to break up with me. I am trying to say it to my family and friends, so that I will be able to go through faster...I can't make myself to.

I can't stop crying..I am not okay~

What can I do to end this?

Somebody pls teach me....

I am afraid, so afraid of doing anything might caused him more frustrated...

Flash back~

2011-01-29T14:15:00.003+08:00

I browsed back my post back on Nov 2007. I remembered it is exactly as what I am feeling now. I try to search on how I survived in the end,and roughly how long it took. I think its around 5 months time. I wish to get through it, really. I have too much time thinking on my own. Everybody is too worried about me, it gave me pressure. I don't know if I am able to receive love from people that just love me. I grow up earning love. Not being love for no reason. So its hard for me to accept love. I will either reject or think that is fake.

I realized I have a very bad concept, I don't deserve to be loved.

A new life begins

2011-01-25T21:25:00.010+08:00

Ever since the news of my tender started to spread out, many of my friends and colleagues outside my dept starts to concern about the reason for leaving and care about the next plan.

Especially last week and this week, every day there are people treating me eating nice food, to bid me farewell and to wish me the best of luck. I am really very touched. Eating expensive food and helping me.

I started to ask myself, what happened to me? Is this really so not a place to me? It wasn't that unhappy before this, yeah then I started to remember. Since when I became so unhappy here?

And 1 by 1, the reason started to come out. It was me, maybe I was too impatient, or too eager to find out whats gonna happen next.

Its all started from a relationship and a promise that I will get back to Malaysia. Duration : 1 year.

As 1 year is getting nearer, and as the relationship gets weaker due to the long distance, I get more agitated and upset.

To go back, first condition I would need is to buy a car, and make myself financially stable. So that at least, my family wouldn't yell more about the come back? With Melbourne trip (1 week) on May, and Sipadan trip (4 days) on Sept, I am giving myself far too heavy pressure, to the extent that the only way I would survived is to save and save as much money as I can.

Imagine, the me as you know, so cannot-stay-at-home, going home everyday after work, and most of the time, skipping dinner. Just stay in front of the computer and having the bf did not have enough time to accompany, so basically I just face the 4 walls IN my room for the past few months. How would I not be depressed? I spend less than $5 a day. Tried my best to choose the cheapest food available, eating 1 and half meal a day.

1month:

$60 spend on transport. Enough to and fro from my company, I even walk to work sometimes now.

$180 max for food

$80 phone bills (too generous, but it was fixed amount. It is supposed to be paid by my bf, but too bad, empty vessel makes the most noise, and worst, he refuse to make good use of the money, saying he is too busy to talk, too tired to talk)

$27 on broadband

$420 for rental

My spending shrink more and more as every month pases?I also need to pay $767 for my early termination for my Iphone contract if I go back to Malaysia. So with so much in mind, I started to un-socialize my life, having to know that once I go out, dinner or what so ever, money is in concern. So I stop going out with my colls, and lock myself at home every single day for about 2 months +.

All that I do, is for what?

As I was longing for more costless company, he asked me do I have nothing else to do beside this relationship?

He would say he did not asked me to do all these. As if I am too stupid for doing all these thing myself.

Yeah, I do all these willingly. Just because the relationship is getting weaker, and I wanted to be by his side. As his wish too, initially. And because he asked me to come back. Maybe he didn’t really mean it, who knows?

1 month before this, me and my bf were still happily together. With him, being restricted by me, for don-go-out-so-frequently-with-ur-friends or till too late.

I was depressed after do self-torturing, i claim now. And I broke down. Go crazy.

He cannot take it.
We had endless quarrel.

I decided to resign. And go back. Believed that things will solve, if i go back.

He felt pressured by my craziness and he said I was being too emotional on deciding stuff.

The fact was I can't take this kind of life anymore. I wanted to end this, at least he will be by my side and we would solve the problem together when I am at Malaysia.

We were not in good terms for more than a month, last 2 weeks, he agreed on the break up(when I was too crazy and emotional to initiate it).

The next day, I begged him not to leave me especially at times of me in desperately need of support.

He said we calm down for a while. He go out with his friends happily, forget he has a relationship on casually, ring me up when he likes, and ignores when he don't. Claiming he is so busy and tired. For 2 weeks. But it was like years for me. He never care or concern. Carry on with his carefree life. Without burden.

He asked me, if I have any other thing to do than this relationship.

I asked myself, do I really have nothing else to do beside in a relationship?

Why am I doing all these?

I am pursuing the life that I wanted.

I want to settle down.

But with who? Him? Only god knows, and its for us to find out.

I just want an answer more quickly..

It truly hurts, deeply.

Why am I doing all these? Will the "come back" guaranteed long lasting happiness? No. If no, then why not guaranteed the happiness for at least now?

I am stupid. Because he did not ask me to do all these. He just asked me to come back. COME BACK is all he says. When I tell him, I have many liabilities here in Singapore, and I am still financially unstable to go back, he just told me, “you can make it, other people make it too, why not you,I can survived with the salary now”. That was his solutions for me. And I figured out myself in the end, I survived at last, but he never concern how did I get it through, did he? In the end? What is it all for? And he chose to hurt me and the relationship(I believe) for calming down too long, for not understanding. And when I was so so depressed, he did not catch my fall but chose to push me aside and let me face everything on my own.

Is it true that at times of difficult, you see a person’s true personality?

I knew everybody was looking at me with 1 kind of eyes. Disappointment for the decision to come back and give up Singapore so early.

But they still refuse to open their mouth, maybe they trust that in the end, I will come around, in sound mind.

I want to settle down. I am tired of a life like waves.

Lets comment.

My fault

2011-01-16T03:10:00.003+08:00

Once said, everything happened for a reason. If you have not found the reason, maybe you just have not try hard enough. Or if you have try hard enough, maybe the TIME have not arrive for you to understand...

I am weak in consistently believing in many things. Coz I believe too that we must be a survivor, things changed, environment and many things changes. So we should flow with the situation. But believe just cannot be alias with surviving!!!

I had a long talk with my friend, after a hug, I feel he is like a brother more than a boyfriend. So I still believe that we can no longer love like a couple, I hope I am wrong for this...coz he isn't gonna accept my weakness and I also believes in karma, which happened to me that I had not gonna my ex's weakness before this. Sincerely hope somebody can prove me wrong...

Oh I so regret...haha because only now I understnad, but its too late and is happening to me now.

Give me a frog and I definately going to doubt if he is going to turn into a prince and while a little bit of me believing so, I would still not accept him for being a frog.

I am so crap rite? Cannot tahan myself @@

I just need more people to make me believe by telling me how to, that it is going to work, after letting me convince them that it is not so.

I so know what is happening on me but I just couldn't help it. So, HELP ME!!!! I don wanna become an old woman alone till old can?

If 1 day I can stop doubting my believes, I can be a miracle wonder woman, do you believe it? Hahaha I seriously believes that.

Only if the ifs happens...

p/s : environment is utmost important for a communication to happens.

Money is the root of ALL evil

2011-01-09T23:36:00.004+08:00

Im facing the new question in life. Should I go back BP or stay at Singapore?

I really dislike Singapore. Its definately not a place where I want to be. Besides money, almost nth I like about Singapore.

Who really knows what is gonna happened in the future?

At least NOW im sure this is not the place I wanted to be. Rite?

I had a talk with my mum. Makes me feel i really dislike her. She asked me when I wanted to come Sg that time, what did I say? I said if i go working at KL, I would not want to go Singapore later. Like what is happening to my friends. Until now, I still agree with that.

I said, in the beginning, the thinking was too naive. Many things unknown before this was known about Singapore lifestyle, and all. So how can we then said, the decision was wrong then? I shouldn't have came, this n that? Maybe this life is good for others, but not me rite? I am not them correct? So what? Escalation of commitment?

She told me, 2 years later, you might say again, that your thinking now is naive too.
So she isn't gonna tell me that she will support me no matter what. When I asked for her support again and again, she laugh and say, am I just going to force her to fakely support me? I regret making the call to her. She is still as hard as a stone. Refuse to be our mother. I think she prefers to be the advisor rather than our mother. Every body in the family knows and just bit our lips hard. I know I just played on fire for trying.

What I need is a support from her. Whether she supports my decision or not, I will still think carefully and think about her advise before making the decision.

I think nobody would support me. Thats really very sad....

Coz everybody is gonna think their own reason why I choose to go back instead of staying here or some other big places. Is so not me, I know but can I ask a question? How many ppl really think they know me? The me now?

I don't owe anybody an explaination. Im tired of being expected of what I should do for my life.

Big D

2011-01-07T18:58:00.003+08:00

I check mate my company today...

1 manager, 3 ppl in Costing, 2 Costing officer resign today! Super shiok..

but I am guilty for it.

My manager face straight turn black.

There are many reason of me doing so. But still it serves me 2 ways still ( I believe). To turn back or not to.

For both, surely, it is a better way.

Thank god I am courageous enough.

Friends when I am down, believe in me

2010-11-23T00:06:00.001+08:00

Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
until now i still not sure if i will regret
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
sounds like changed alot
Cheryl says (11:57 PM):
yeap
life dream changed
-Nicholas: says (11:57 PM):
what's ur dream now? be someone normal?
Cheryl says (11:59 PM):
be a good mum good wife
-Nicholas: says (11:59 PM):
=D
u sounds to be a good woman now
Im damm suprise of it!
-Nicholas: says (12:00 AM):
it's a good thing though
=)
last time u was too ambitious
Cheryl says (12:01 AM):
really?
-Nicholas: says (12:01 AM):
but good also
lol
ya
but no matter ur previous dream or current dream
u was always looks great
has own thinking
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
the way u insist ur thing is kindda enchanted
Cheryl says (12:02 AM):
not anymore i gues
-Nicholas: says (12:02 AM):
hmmm
dont give up so early
life is a long long journey
-Nicholas: says (12:03 AM):
maybe the previous 20++ years...u hasnt know what ur dream really look like?
or maybe even now...this is still not ur final achievement?
we experience as time goes by, and we are still finding....
-Nicholas: says (12:04 AM):
don't lose ur confident and insistant so fast
it's ur specialty
=D
it's ur signature that defines u

What is love?

2010-11-22T22:46:00.004+08:00

If love is to be an action, it is so so far away...
If love is to be a voice, it is quite far too...
If love is to be a word, it will be nearer...
If love is just a click away, it is everywhere, I believe...

If love is love, why does it have different?
Do we love only when it is convenient?
When it is smooth sailing?
Or regardless what...?

I am finding love...
people may have a lot of courage to love,
but did not want to sacrifice,
I am just right opposite...
What is love?
Where is love?

People,
If tomorrow I die...
will the action of love still as far?
Will you give me a hug,
let me know you love me?
Why that difficult to get love?
Am I using threats to get love?
Or sacrifice my life to prove love?

When we know we are about to lose it,
or lost it,
only then we start to realized?
Give me your love...

Where?

2010-11-10T22:36:00.003+08:00

Over the year, things keep changing. I think this is the most drastic changes happened in me throughout my life maybe. Plan changes, life changes, environment changes. I am kinda exhausted. I tell myself to accept the fact that I am already working. And I will be working for the next 10 years I am sure. Study life had ended. Accept this fact is exhausting enough for one.

The change of my future life-plan kind of change too many things in me. Many times I really doubt if I am sure all this is what I will want, after working and achieving quite a number in the past, am I ready to let go? and start all over again? When unsolved problems start arising one after another, sometimes I gave up and go back to the middle of the crossroad again. All and all, I feel I am so wasting time, first with starting all over again and second with the doubting and stopping there, thinking.

Until now I am not sure. Time is so precious. This makes me feel so frustrated and angry with myself.

Despite all the existing troubles I faced in work, life now is kinda quiet and boring. I like that. But its abit solo, cause eventually I start to ignore friends, yes I do, and start to avoid crowd.

Sigh. After all that I have built up!! I am so dilemma.

Conclusion : maybe my ultimate problem is I just cant made up my mind and just GO FOR IT without looking back.

Letting things go...

2010-09-22T23:28:00.004+08:00

The beginning of letting things go is always seems to be difficult...or maybe impossible... Very funny... people like to create their own obstacles in mind. Before they do it, they would think how hard it is, or how impossible it is...we always create a bearer for ourself. When in fact, after the 1st attempts tried out, it is much easier than it seems.

Some people think letting go its an end. While in fact, everything is just a beginning. As much as I thought its hard to let go, it is as easy and I thought it would hurt. Yea but its just a little.

People used to tell me that, if you let go and it comes back, then its yours. If it don't, then its not yours. The question is, what if it don't come back? If we don't start letting go, forever that question would stay unanswered. If you wanna find out an answer, you have to start letting go. I guess we have to start to be honest with ourself, face the truthful fact. Life isn't everytime out of your way. Believe! and have faith!

Life is just a gamble on fate.

Today I tried something new out, something that I thought I would have cared so much, but the fact is, I did not care as much. And the answer is, it didn't come back. Perhaps it haven't. But I think I am impatient to find out("I think", is perhaps another obstacles made for myself, I do not deny the possibility of that).

It hurts, by the fact that the answer isn't very favorable? Or the fact that I didn't care as much? I donno..Though I guess its the latter....

Good nite people! Filled me with love pls...lots of hugs... thanks!

A lesson I learnt

2010-08-31T23:40:00.002+08:00

Just a short one before I call it a day..

As much as you want to prove the things you said were right, so does the other party! In a disagreement, someone could be right. If a person must be right, another person must be wrong. So proving you right gave you the feelings of satisfaction. People tend to forget, it has exactly the same effect inversely.

If proving yourself right gave you satisfaction, it gave the other person dissatisfaction.
If proving yourself right make you feel you are cleverer, you are just trying to let the other person know he/she is stupid.

If we no need to prove him wrong, and let him/her find out themself, that is a win win situation. Just sometimes, it takes time. But if time is not a factor, learning ourself is much better than being proved wrong.

The real friends

2010-08-27T23:32:00.000+08:00

I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends about this issue before. And after getting their feedback, I assume this theory is super right!

There are certain friends that will leave you after you have a bf/gf because they dislike people whom forget their friends after they have bf/gf. Some friends will get angry because after you have a gf/bf, you start to forget about your friends(they claim). Some will even let go of the friendship because of this reason. Stop helping you when you are in need.

To us, the question is, what is a real friend?

We have 24 hours a day. After minus sleeping, working time, own private time(bathing, driving, eating, etc) and others, how many hours do we really left? Can I say, less than 5hours? Besides friend, we have family. Do we really have enough time to have it all?

I think that is quite impossible. A gf/bf is somebody closed to us after family. And friends surely come after gf/bf. I assume a gf/bf is someone you will make them your family later ( I am not talking about those gf/bf that were just having fun, or those that you fuck around). So it depends on which one you treat as priority. Which type of life you seek as more important for your future. If you wanna spend next century of your life with your friend, then spend quality time with them, that’s understandable. But make sure your friend have the same goal as you, that they wanna spend next century of their life with you too! Which is quite impossible.

Back to the point.

To me, a REAL friend is the people that will understand what is important FOR your life. They won’t get angry when you don’t spend time with them because they understand that you are planning your future, for a happy life. But when you call them for help, even after not contacting them for so long, they will be there for you. Or even you don’t meet them after years, you still have many things to talk about, you won’t feel weird after not contacting them for so long. REAL friends UNDERSTAND what you need to focus in life, and yet, they are there for you, and you know it. They won’t let you choose between a gf or friend, because they know what is good for you.

Even if not so…Would you rather risk losing your gf/bf than risk losing your friend? If you can CLAIM understanding from your gf/bf, why you can’t claim understanding from your friends?

If he isn’t a real friends for now, even you keeping in touch with them, neglecting your gf/bf, they will only be there for you when it is CONVENIENT. They won’t help you when it is inconvenient. But talking about convenience, I think any people can/able to help you when it is convenient. To me, you don’t need to spend too much time, I seriously mean it’s a waste of time to spend time with these people. Time is so precious, so spent quality time. Be productive for your life.

When we wanna help someone or do something, we don’t just do it when it is too convenient. We would sacrifice to help or to achieve something we want in life.

I have plenty of friends like this, PLENTY, yes. Im so so glad, in life I make good friends.

Do you have any?

Life is quite fair. What you do now is what you will be getting back for return in future. No pain, no gain.

Time can prove things right/wrong...

2010-08-25T22:51:00.000+08:00

If a gf needs to create a havoc to get your attention :

The caused of it is you don’t pay enough attention to her :

It could be because you are too busy to be in a relationship,

Then don't be in a relationship!

Or she could be an attention seeker, which all girls are!

Not to everybody but at least she needs the bf’s attention.

Attention is 1 of the human’s emotional needs beside love and secure.

If the gf likes you losing your temper

That’s pathetic because she would purposely make you angry

Just to prove that you care for her,

That you still remember you have a gf.

She is doing something to savor her feeling, maybe just the wrong way.

If she don’t even do anything when she feels that way,

You ought to be worry.

If the gf needs to threatened you with a 3rd party

To let you notice other people are paying attention on her,

Maybe both of you are not ready.

If 1 day, your gf is feeling bad about something and she is not sharing it with you,

If 1 day, she don't question you when she have doubts about you,

If 1 day, she don't even feels angry over anything you did,

Then its time.

Relationship needs a lot of time to nurture. Human only likes to enjoy the advantage of being in a relationship but they forgot nothing have only advantages. When they faces the disadvantages, they would complain and think is their partner’s fault. 1 hand claps no sound people! Who is at wrong, does that matter? What matters is the relationship, which consist of 2 person. 1 + 1 = 1, is it right? If wrong, MAKE IT RIGHT!

Defensive Mode

2010-08-18T22:40:00.000+08:00

There are some people in this world, once they open their mouth to have a conversation, regardless of whether the intention is good or bad, they immediately turned the opponents’ defensive mode on. So whatever is said, whether it is an advice or for pure sharing purpose, people normally would not accept and they would think you are acting-clever.

But situation like this would not occur all the time. Some people that are eager to hear what others are willing to share. They are willing to put down their pride, admit to the mistake and listen to what others have to say. And in most of this case, they are willing to share more, get more, and buy the idea of another person.

In this 2 statements shows 2 different subject’s characteristic. But this 2 different characteristic are actually as of the same person. The only thing that is different is the person who is doing the talking.

We often put the blame on the subject when things like this happened. We said, that person is too ego to learn, or he/she is too stubborn, would not listen to what the elder said.

In fact I think, a good speaker normally put somebody in a comfortable mode, instead of defensive mode, Many people especially superior often meant good, but being perceived bad. Why? Some people have the ability to make you talk a lot about yourself even though you just knew them. If you think back, they are certain people that you did not know them very well, but you are willing to share with them things in depth about you that you would not even share to a person whom you know for 5 or 10 years.

And If the subject is not willing to talk more about themselves, and you are trying to help, how would you know what actually had happened that causes the subject to act so? The worse case is, the subject would just lazily agree with whatever that is being said, but the heart would be thinking, “what is this bullshit? You don’t even know what actually happened, and you think you are very clever, trying to give me advice? Get off~”

So, put someone in a comfortable position to speak what is of mind. You need to be open minded enough to accept whatever is being said. Don’t give over response because people are scared being perceived as abnormal.

Regardless of what way you use, the question is, when you speak,

how do you make people accept your idea?

THAT, is the final goal.

update

2010-08-03T22:38:00.002+08:00

wuhooo¬¬ today I ain't feeling good....My beautiful dream slowly crashes.. Human are really unsatisfiable... when you have this, you want that..

I said I wanna lead a simple life.
I said I wanna be contented of what I have now...
and yet!
YET!
I look to the higher stream,
I chase over luxurious life,
I spend money like shit,
and then I realized
my money slowly runs down
and then I realized
I earn not enough
and THEN I realized
where is my simple life?
is it possible?
Can I stay focus and go for what I wanted,
stop changing?
I thought human don't like changes, why not the same for this?
*This month, I have 3 contracts on me + I just went to Bali, so Im kind of fuckup my bank account suddenly less many k suddenly... SHIT!

Smoking

2010-07-23T16:33:00.004+08:00

Sorry, but I saw on Xiaxue's blog, and I think out of all the picture she put up, this suits all my boy friends whom smokes the most!!! I find it very funny, but meaningful. To those who read my blog that smokes, MANY OF YOU, YES YOU! Look down at your dick and tell yourself its time to quit...muahahahahahha

Oh by the way, if you doono what limb means : In a difficult, awkward, or vulnerable position.

Who Moved My Cheese

2010-07-23T13:00:00.002+08:00

"Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again, checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us."

A.J Cronin

Update

2010-07-21T23:29:00.002+08:00

Im far too tired to post an entry..but I do have alot of things I wanna remember it here...*sigh*

Anyway Im heading a 4 days trip to Bali on Saturday morning to Tuesday night.

Happy 23rd Birthday to myself. I donno if I can wait till 12am, but last year this time, my classmates burst into my house with a green tea cake specially bought from very far away...

I wish time could turn around again. Im celebrating the 1st second of my birth date myself this year...

or....u guys are with me here?

ACCEPT

2010-06-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should learn the word “ACCEPT”

Accept what god has given to me, accept people’s help! Accept what others are willing to do for me. Accept my life is perfect.

When things are imperfect, we complain and we seek for perfection…but when god gives us perfect, we doubt and say that is unrealistic…we try to make it realistic, then unintentionally we spoiled the thing and now we say HEY that’s more realistic, then after some time we start saying nothing is perfect. Instead of nothing is perfect, maybe we should change the practice, “human can never be contented of what they have”, full of doubts and desire…human can be so complicated, yet, they are actually very simple. It is all about how you think, and how you work it out. Complication came in when you doubt…fear creates doubts, so where does fear came from?

Tell me, past experience? How can we link it with past experience when things can not be the same?

Time changed, environment changed, people changed. Be fair!

My family used to teach me that we should never fall into the same hole twice, in fact, they teach me not to even fall at all. “Listen to the experienced people”, she says. Prevent fall! Avoid! Cautious!

But can things be the same? Are they the same?

Can we really not fall? Is it possible? Is it really that good having yourself standing strong all the time?

There are always more than 1 angle in judging on something, pros always come with cons…

Back to the square, from which angle do we want to view the point from?

Who make the choice?

Who doubt?

Who fears?

Who make things complicated?

Where is perfect?

Everything lies in within yourself!

Doubts

2010-06-16T22:51:00.002+08:00

I used to believe that 2 smart person can not be together as in, building up a family and have a future. The reason is because when a person is too smart, he sees through all the wits and ends of almost everything. So when 2 smart people are together, they do things with intentions and motives you could say to spice up the relationship( which is a good thing if the intention was good), and to make it even better...But since both of them see every single thing thoroughly, this will lead to another smart person to doubt the intention and motives behind what he/she does whether everything done is a trap or it is for the sake of love.

However in short term, 2 smart person being together will create FIRE, not jus sparkle, yes! but fire! and these 2 person can love until die. Yes I really believe so! You may say they were both cheating themselves...

Because intention lies only within that person, all the other person have to do is blindly TRUST, which is another thing that smart person's hates to do!

Then you begin to wonder who this person is, so you try to dig out from all sort of resources, to judge this person's personal characteristic...to convince yourself that everything is real, that you are not blindly trusting...

If this it is a trap, at the end of the day, someone will get hurt and then you will find out, who is smarter, or who is more emotional in the game, or who is more naive...

I don have "if the love is real, the motives and intentions are all good, this 2 person will......"
Can someone continue this for me? I seriously can't continue...becoz after what I wrote, continue it with, "happily ever after" will seems to be written by a 3 years old kid.

AWWWww~~ my sights seems to be getting darker...whY?

Disclaimer : This has got nothing to do with my personal life, I am just sharing what I used to believe and now I am doubting because nothing is definate. Pls do not use your own imagination to guess the story. Because there is no story. Thank you!

Wishes

2010-06-14T20:46:00.002+08:00

Sometimes there are things that we wanted so much, but as we grow up, we realized that not everything that we wished could come true. It is very naïve to think so. In fact, that’s stupid. Sometimes a simple wish could be hard to make it sound. Coz there are too many considerations as we grew up. Too many considerations….

You can’t be selfish to request that much from people… you gotto think the other way round and convince urself that, its OKAY~! Perhaps you don’t like what you wish. So you create a lie and convince yourself and everybody else.. and then, you realized it becomes so real sometimes even you doubt IF you really like it that way…

Then, amazingly, you started to enjoy and you forget about the idea of what you really wanted and what you really like. Who cares? As long as we live life happy. Is this right?

Fight for what you really want? haha If getting what you want require others to sacrifice just simply anything, regardless of whether they are willing or not, THEY ARE sacrificing for your tiny wish, Is that right? I rather not want it and forgo what I wanted… Silly? Maybe…I don deserve people to do things for me....

Nothing is perfect.

These thoughts came from someone that asked me whats my plan for my coming birthday ( yeay I AM SENDING OUT REMINDERS!! haha). I said no need to celebrate…is just another day, which is true to me also…so, 1 of my wishes for my coming birthday : All the people I love to be with me…. IMPOSSIBLE~!

A better wish : People whom I love greet me a happy birthday and pray for my happiness.

Thank you!

Sometimes, I asked myself, "can you even be true to yourseld?", yes I can, but is there a need to do so?

Im in love?

2010-06-03T21:33:00.004+08:00

Its too fast..i know, but i surrender to fate? This is what i mean by too good to be true. Pls people, pray for me....

Im a changed girl...

Crazily in love...

辛福

2010-05-22T11:00:00.002+08:00

Was reading the last post....I really felt Im so blessed. God actually loves me so much in another way. Yes, things were always taken away for me, thats to make me even stronger n tougher. But when bad things happened, my friends are always always there for me. You guys know who u are...I posted that I have no appetite in fb, the next day, sms keeps coming from all over, to ask if im alright... I felt so paiseh making people worry. But I did keep my promise. I try my best to eat as much as I can.

Then people start wild guessing that because of the broken relationship, I was too depressed thats why that happens...BUT HEYY!!!! I can confirm its not. Coz Im really feeling so happy n contented now. So pls, stop making a reason for me. Its not larr.

This time, things were great because family are all fully on my back. I felt so loved, I felt so full in life these days...What more could I ask for in life? This is what I had always been dreaming about...

Too GOod To be True

2010-05-20T23:47:00.003+08:00

The last time i felt something was too good to be true...was when my brother adopted me as his sister...at the time when sth was horribly bad happened on me...when i felt no love..when i have nothing at all to offer. I didn't believe his sincerity, I doubted and I think that was impossible to happen...n he said he will 1 day make me believe that, life can be good. People can be sincere. And love is around...

Without knowingly, 2 years later, he really showed me, someone a stranger can actually treat u good all the time wihtout asking anything for return...without condition...He gave me lots of brotherly love...

I was touched.

This week...it happened again..though another case.

I hope things goes the same. Im really happy for the time being. :) Hope 2 years later...I will be posting "Too GOod To be True Part 2"

:)

Decision

2010-05-15T12:46:00.002+08:00

I stand on a fence for too long, its dragging and its expanding...so I made up my mind yesterday.

Our friends that read my blog, me and Yeong Hann had ended our relationship.

I asked my friends, after 2 years you said its not suitable, is that an excuse?

She told me no, coz it takes time to understand each other and find out what you want. I was very cruel to drag this long, sorry. I was really afraid that I would regret. But today, I realized that if we continue on dragging, I would surely regret and divorce 10 years later. So better make it now. Don't waste time.

When I told my mum n sister about it, they totally supported me. I feel so good about that. Supports from my family is kinda hard to get. My family also thinks that we would ended up like this sooner or later, and my mum told me that we are just not suitable for each other. She knew it after a few times I brought him back.

I hope he is alright. To our friends in KL, pls if you are able to, help me take care of him. I think he needs companion especially these few days. He deserves someone better. Its lame to say this shit, I felt. After hurting others, we always give ourself many excuses.

All I can say is, I am sorry.

Tired

2010-04-28T22:04:00.002+08:00

Some ppl keep making noise that I didn't blog...

Life is really tiring here, I enjoy time with my colls, they are really friendly and helpful people. Working is more enjoyable now, lesser mistake, but still so sotong...able to complete job faster...

Financial still very tight, really hate this feeling, and AM GOING TO END THIS reall real real real soon. The last time I feel financial insecurity was 4 years ago, when I first started at KL. Now in Singapore. Even my savings in Malaysia needs to divide by 0.4255.

Reach home late everyday, either went out with colls or work overtime. Then so "bu-shuang" to sleep right away, so ended up sleeping like 11.30 or 12. Woke up 6am everyday. So I only slept 5 hours a day...

So many things undone. Just completed the exemptions from CIMA, going to execute the plan to do part time study on June. Life will continue to be this tired for 2 years. Im going to get used to it.

Of coz I miss times when I was studying, but missing is not going to help. So I shall look FORWARD rather than backward. I never think I am very young. Although many people are telling me this...to have NO working experience at 23 is rather late for me. Lots of plan come in mind, like which year to get married, to have a house, car, babies....

It freaks me out. Can somebody catch up with what my mind is thinking ahead? Too many uncertainty...

Pride & ego

2010-04-05T23:30:00.002+08:00

People whom really know me deep inside would have know im somebody so full of pride and ego. Sometimes even that im conscious that myEGO is stopping me from being happy, moving on, winning, gaining something, I would have let that be...

Its not good rite?

Im so stupid.. I want to change. There was 1 time becoz of idiot pride, I almost lose a best friend in life!

Im borned that way am I? I should be happier....why am I serving my pride? Not myself? Or me is my pride?

I gotto say sometimes my pride makes me working harder, being smarter....but does that brings me more pros or more cons?

THat, I will need to think about it.

Balance is almost impossible....Can I be impossible, to grab all the goods of having ego, and throw all the bad of having ego?

I have to be more cunning..hehe

What a Friday

2010-04-02T23:20:00.002+08:00

This is Friday, I tell you Im lonely, sucks big time. I realized I have no kaki in BP. Anytime in KL, I can find ppl to accompany for chilling out. Ppl will not look at me 1 kind and ask, why r u so crazy.

Life is so different now. I wish to use all that I have to buy back time like before. Just 1 call, and friends are here.... Am I that desperate?

I drank 2 canns of Carlsberg and all this thought started to came into me. I wish to continue on(friend's wedding tmr, so partying at her house). But I had to fetch my sis back, again responsibility...so gotto go back. I wish I have a second round....I wish....

So i came back home, drinking another 2 canns myself...I wish my friends were here....I wish I had you guys...really...

Extra mile

2010-04-01T22:45:00.004+08:00

This week is our company closing. EVery bi-annually we will have a closing. Yesterday I work till 11.40am. My coll n manager work till 12 sth...

I wish to go extra mile, to prove im worthy. But extra mile? Man, this is just not Malaysia! U wan extra mile? You have to work till 8pm almost everyday(like my coll in my dept) and if u really wan EXTRA MILE, you gotta be cleverer than your boss in your workfield. In my case I can be, becoz my boss only have experience with not much education. The only thing that she expects from me is my knowledge on costing. What we learnt in MADM, FIM and those. But I reach home 8pm everyday tired like shit, don't even have time for myself. How to find time to explore those and explain to my boss and try to apply on my company? Activity based costing? Its too early...although I've work for 1 month.

Extra mile?
Long way to go.....

I know all those are just excuses. Extra mile requires sacrifices without extreme reasonable logic....You just do it without much thinking on wat you will be paid for.

LIfe

2010-03-28T22:49:00.009+08:00

This was at Suntec, I got lost, and walk for almost 2 hours. In the end I gave up...simply hop into a bus and found the bus stop...Saw the thing...wats that call? Its freaking big, but I didn't get to take a real pic of it.

Another thing I really like abt Singapore is, their shopping mall likes to play with water. When I saw this, I was like...woww.....this is like real crystal...

THere was another time I went to Raffles City, they used water drops to drop down Welcome to Rafles City...Its amazing rite? Simple thing can be so nice. I guess is not hard to make such a thing. But just why Malaysian fountain are always spoiled? Or full of rubbish?

This is at the Convention Centre. The escalator itself got I think 4 story high and beside you is from ground floor to 6th floor. U understand what I mean? When I first used it, frankly I was SCARED! The sides are empty. My hands and legs sweat when I was going up.

The fast pace life in Singapore. Here, people walk very fast. Everything is faster. Their escalator also much faster...they upgrade real fast. My company's product update like 2-6 times(a single same product) a month.... and their system keep updating.

Despite all the technology, there are nice scenery everywhere. The scenery was much nicer but my camera don have such a lense that is as wide as our eyes.

Just a short post.

Singaporean

2010-03-27T23:54:00.001+08:00

Many people have wrong perception towards Singaporean...something that so far I've been here, I want to justify...

So many incidents happened throughout the 1 month, makes me feel Singaporean and Singapore are really nice.

Many times, I hop onto the bus and do not know where to alight, I will ask the bus driver. The bus driver would rmb where you want to go, even though after 1 hour journey and tell you to alight at the right bus stop. When I first went to interview, the bus driver even tell me the instruction given by my HR was wrong because the gate only open at certain hour. He then show me which was the correct way to alight and tell me where is my company. He even offer to teach me how to take busses and gave me a short briefing abt Singapore...

Today, the bus driver I think he forgot to remind me where to alight, but an auntie tab on my shoulder, telling me this is Lavender MRT station. I was so surprised, quite scared when somebody tab me...but Im so grateful. Singaporean are really nice and helpful.

In MRT today, an english woman turn to me and told me my toe is very nice. We then chit chat abit. Again, I was surprise, why a stranger talk to me. Back in Malaysia, I would be so afraid if a stranger talk to me. Like they are trying to make me give go to the ATM and press money out for them...

The best part abt Singapore is, everything is about half the price compare to Malaysia. But your salary amount is the same. IN Malaysia we earn almost RM2000. In Singapore, we earn SGD 1600. But In Malaysia, a NIKE shoe cost you RM200. In Singapore, a NIKE shoe is only SGD 85. !!!!! and ALMOST everything is like that. Shokubutsu(i donno how to spell) refill pack only SGD2.6. Perfume, only SGD 40-80 for biggest bottle.

If I don't convert the rate, I will become shopping crazy....Coz Im so not used to seeing things so freaking cheap here, I feel like buying ANYTHING!!!!

OK, Im really tired. Good nite.

My goal?

2010-03-21T14:19:00.003+08:00

Its almost been 1 month I started a new life in Singapore. Last week, I made 2 big mistake in work. 1 of it was accidentally changed the "empress dowager's" doc. It causes a mess, my head sent an email to apologise but she wanted to "avoid" such thing happened again, she wanted to unaccess our dept towards that data. It will caused my dept a great trouble in future. My head explain how inconvenience it will be to us, so she basically shut up, I just hope this mistake will not be brought up again. The 2nd mistake was update something wrongly, causes finance dept's cost changes.

At the beginning, I told myself that I wanted to complete CIMA in 2 years time (4 more papers left). ----> currently, I've done nothing to it.

My goal is to obtain PR in 1 year time. To own a flat or watsoever place in 3 years time. My goal seems so far away. I wanted to be somebody in 2 years time. Can I acheieve that? I doubt...

Basically, when I realized the 2nd mistake was made, I was totally blank and panic. Luckily my DEpt head is really a very good person. She not only did not scold me, she just told me to be more careful next time and its okay..

My coll are nice too. Get to know them better as time passes. But to me, Singapore is still a stranger place to me. Everything is wholly new. I tell myself all this is just a beginning. I believe in the choices I made. Someday, Singapore will give me alot of opportunities.

At this moment, I just hope, time passes more quickly.

The Wounds

2010-02-01T23:09:00.002+08:00

Now I can understand why some siblings/parents can never talk to their family for years. There are some wounds so deep until it becomes a kind of hatred that you didn't yourself even want to admit it.

Isn't family suppose to be the one who offer out hand when you are in need? When you need support? When you need help? Why now just isn't my case?

I've been dealing with my emotional self, telling myself forgive and forget. There is no overnight hate in a family. But why? I didn't want to look into her eyes anymore. My heart ache everytime she asked me anything that is regarding money.

I wrote in FB,

"If she can understand not everyone is as "thick face" as her, then she would understand why am i so sensitive. If she can understand her own attitude, then she would gain more respect from people. And if she read this, I meant well"

Just now, she ask me why did I make my passport so early? She wanted me to make like tmr go Spore, today go make. Coz konon-nya wanna save the time and $! I was very pissed and told her in a bad tone that I am attending the interview on Wed!

I had said I wanted to make passport since donno when. Now I hope people know what is holding me back. I scared I do already, later she says I do so early. So, I at first ended up didn't dare to send out resume coz I am scared that later they ask me to go Spore, den I have no passport. In the end, when the 1st arguments came out abt my living expenses, I told myself FUCK OFF and send out my resume. In the end I manage to get the interview 1 week after the notice. So I make my passport ONLY TODAY!

And she said I never told her I had interview on this Wed. So she was very angry and she shouts at me. Said why she couldn't even ask me a question! Look at the way she ask a question man. If she wanna ask me, and she knew I had already make a passport, she would ask, " when is your interview in spore?" Obviosly she know I am planning to work in Spore. and She knew I had been saying I wanted to make a passport since more than 1 month ago.

If she wanted to ask, she would ask, "when is your interview?" or "when are you attending your interview, how come you made your passport today?"

NO, excuse me. She asked, "WHY YOU MAKE YOUR PASSPORT SO EARLY!"

My mother asked me to get that RM300 from her in front of them. Im telling my mum tmr that I am not going to talk to her now and then regarding money. If my mum really wants it, then I would take out from my saving account and pay it myself.

FUCK IT.

I tell you, I really hate her!

depress

2010-01-27T04:26:00.004+08:00

I couldn't sleep even though im so tired. I feel like depress la...

these 2 days i feel so pressure. So many ppl have different expectation towards me. Whatever decision I make, I am going to disappoint alot of people. The last people that I wanted to disappoint, is my family. Can they give me more support emotionally?

Why can't I have more proper time to talk with my family regarding my future. There are so many questions in my head, that I didn't know who I can refer to.

There are so many uncertainties. I hate it. I know I am pressuring myself so much now. Because boat reach shore will straight. But, I don't want it to reach shore still straight can? What if it won't be straight? Yes, I am so pessimist.

At first I told my bf to have a part time job. Because he only study on Thursday. So is very waste of time to sleep at home for 6 days and just study for 1 day. I suggest him to get a marketing or admin related job so that he gain some working experience. At first he wanted to work at some hotel as waiter, I tell him to better not. So he nicely get a Marketing job now. And he now said he probably will not want to go Spore anymore because he love his job here.

That means if I go to work in Spore I will be all alone. And we will be in long distance rship. I just hate being in long distance relationship. Which to me it almost means that the relationship will end. I know I can start a new relationship, but I love my bf and I hate to start all over again.

I just want to chase my dream............all my friends are supporting me, I know. But the most important support is from family.

I feel so so sad over it. I know there are alot of chores to do at home. I know!

F**K

I am an accountant-to-be okay? to me, wasting time is wasting the most precious resources a human had! Much more value-able than $$$$ becoz NOTHING can buy time! I can't make myself to say I am 23 years old this year! WTF, and I am still wasting time!!!! WITH NO WORKING EXPERIENCE.

My current GOAL

2010-01-26T23:32:00.002+08:00

Get a CIMA related job, preferably budgeting/costing related job. Get 2 years working experience either in KL or Singapore.

Complete CIMA in 2 years (part time).

Get a job in Singapore. And climb the ladder.

IMpression

2010-01-19T05:09:00.002+08:00

Impression gives people an image of your identity. It makes people expect what is your next move in almost-the-same situation. Even though perhaps you will not do the same like what people expect you to, but first impression already won over you a chance to START. From there only you gain an opportunity to fill in the blank, correct your impression either being better or being worse, forming an image.

If you successfully won a good first impression, many things even you had done wrong, people will creatively think of a good reason/excuse for things to settle with it. 1 time, 2 times, 3 times, 4 times, you are given more chance/longer time to form a bad impression.

My friend once said, last impression is how a person remembers you.

I think I always give a very good first impression but a bad last impression. That maybe explain why people so often come and go in my life.

1st post in 2010

2010-01-13T15:27:00.002+08:00

Out of a sudden, I click in my blog. I realized there is no 2010 template on the right hand side. Which means I had not posted any post ever since 2010. Lets see. NOw is 13 of January. I forgot when is my last post.

I read through my blog again. I will be back to blogging....I miss blogging far too much. And I am regret. I gonna spend time here, this is what I promised to myself. Get back here later.

Btw, I wonder if any people are still following this blog...haha

The greatness of Synergy Effect

2009-09-05T05:32:00.004+08:00

I didn't understand what synergy means but I remembered we used to say that no one is perfect. But, nobody have ever said no group is perfect rite?

How to explain synergy?

I personally feel it so strong during Companies training. In a simple cheer leading competition, it can be of no attractive than the other, what so ever, but when you know how to create the environment to let other people do it together with you, TOGETHER!, then, that is call synergy effect. The impact is so strong that it almost wins EVERYTHING ELSE.

Imagine in a group, everybody their bad habits and own "culture". But as long as there is awareness, when the habits came, group member can always be as a reminder, support the other and encourage one another. And later, new habits and new culture formed and spread and how good this society is then?

It requires a very OPEN HEART to believe the DIFFERENCE in people. Instead of being frustrated, UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT the weakness in people, why they are doing so. Be forgiving, learn to forgive and forget, give chance, as everybody deserves another chance.

Recently, I re-realised that they are so many GOOD IN PEOPLE, in every human race. They are also the bad ones. It fully depends on which side whether is the good or the bad you wanted to focus on your brain, which then forms an impression. And whether you believed it or not, what you focus is going to expand. So, we choose how things are going to be. Because WE CHOOSE WHAT WE THINK!

Interest

2009-09-01T05:04:00.005+08:00

Few days ago, I met with 1 of my mentor. He is an old man who had already gone more than half the centuries, who had inspired so many people, yet so humble and ambitious. Thank you.

So he inspired me and I came out with this words a few days ago, "where lies the interest, there goes the career"

It might sound very stupid, because one of my friend doubted it so much, then he asked me, what about those guy who only likes to play games. Should they make it their career too? I answered it can, but you need to be really good at it.

Before I found what I really wanted to do, I always tell people that I would like to continue studying because it is very nice where you have alot of free time, and have less financial stress. I like studying so much that I didn't know what will happened after I finished my degree. So I decided to further my studies.

Today, I think I found my path. My mindset changed. Instead of wanting to continue my study, having alot of freedom that I can go anywhere I like, I look forward to the life that I can truly focus on, things I really wishes to do in order to build my career. Many things are holding me back now, like exams are coming, I must focus on my studies instead of anything else.

We are so young, so fresh, that we are full of ideas and ideas, 1 thing is stopping us, time and knowledge to the ideas.

Everyday, I look forward to my graduation which will be end of December this year so that I can expand myself and achieve my dream of life.

I told my bf this morning that no matter how hard our life is going to be, we are going to buy a house as soon as we can because you can't rent a place to stay forever. He agreed. Its going to be difficult but I guess it is not too difficult for us to make things happened. We will build our empire together!

I appreciate the wisdom. Thank you. :)

The friendship

2009-08-30T02:27:00.003+08:00

If it hurt her that much...it hurts me even more. Its all because of that blog I wrote weeks ago about the friends. She said we are no longer friend ever since I wrote that post in my blog. "How many years friends we are, and she(refers to me) doubted on my personality", she said.

I know I really acted so childish yesterday. I was drunk and angry with whatever hell I am in. I am so sad over everything. Feeling hopeless. She asked me to stay overnight but how am I to face everything after what had happened in the early next morning when we are finally awake? How am I to face her parents when I am in such a stage... Can she understand why and let me?

We are both stubborn.

To many, love are their last thing left after losing everything. To me, pride will be the only thing left for me. So no matter what in that kind of situation, I am not gonna lose my pride. I know its stupid. But my life is so stupid.

We had both say things really hurtful. I hope we apply what she told me yesterday...drunk and when angry words are to be deleted. Because i know we are just so hurt...nobody really meant what we said.

I sent messages to apologised...but it is being ignored. This seems to be our cross road, depending we have the will to save this friendship or not. How much we value it and believe this is just one of the obstacles we have to face to make oure frienship grow even stronger than before.

My eyes now are very scary when I woke up. I think back what happened and I remember she hit me because I told her to fuck off and told her I can't stay over because I have my pride. Its more painful in the heart.

I hope after what happened yesterday we can become friends like before again. Never mind it takes time. I will wait for the day to come. Because I treasure this friendship.

Care?

2009-08-28T20:20:00.002+08:00

So when toleration has reached its limit, we decided it is time. To hurt this relationship... Did he cared? Why should I being so good but not appreciated? Why be good then? Rebel.

I am not someone you can simply yell at when you are unhappy...no matter what happens!

tired

2009-08-18T03:01:00.002+08:00

It seems to everybody that we are handling this relationship very well..but book shall not be judged by its cover..this explains our relationship..many times,frustration and anger are just on for 2minutes and with a swallow of saliva, it is then being forgotten until it happens again..and again..and again..and to the point that it burst out like now. Its been several times that i felt he is already given this relationship up, because no matter how hard i try to solve the problem, he seems motionless, just keep asking me what do i want in a very bad manner.. It hurts! Im jus merely trying to figure things out but what i get in return is a pail of cold water poured over my face.. I kept telling myself that i treasure this relationship, i can't act emotionally, i must control myself but! What do i get in return..u can guest it.. Im kinda tired.. I told him not to regret today after i had a talk with him about everything. He still remains the same. Thus, i told him that i take back my every words, pretend i had never said it before, and we give each other freedom to do everything each wants to do..why fuck do i care for his feeling so much? Have he cared for my feelings??? man, i hope i am not, but i am really sick of things repeating and he being motionless again..as if i am the only person wanting this relationship to continue on..i don want to work the relationship on my own! Fuck off!

Who you really mix with reflects who you are

2009-08-05T17:32:00.002+08:00

Normally we chooses close friends that suited ourselves. The thinking, the behaviour, and the characteristic. When you change, your friends change too...

But many times, we don't choose friends because we want to be friendly. So we friend almost everybody that comes across. But friends influences our everything so much so that one will not even realized that at first you were disagreeing with your "friends" and now, you are doing those thing together with your same friends.

It is very disappointing to say that human are very fragile in everyway. Because we needed so much of support and the feeling of "not alone", this itself can become very positive and negative.

Something happened that I wrote this, I might be wrong but I am kinda sad.

One of my closest friend likes to put people "aeroplane". I don't know whether she even notice it or sees it as something significant. As for me, I am the person always being put aeroplane to, I felt really irritated and annoyed. There was a part time job offers, I told her about it and she agreed. Weeks later, she totally forgotten about it and when I reminds her, she just told me she already promised other friend to work somewhere else in a kind of apolegetic voice.

By right, she promises to work for here first, if she really forgotten, then isn't it that she is supposed to reject the other side? Or because the payments over there is more? Either reason, it is not really acceptable....(I know I am so judgemental...)

So we are left to clean the mess for her. Trying to explain to the person whom asked us to work and find a replacement. How irresponsible?

Today, me and my assingments group member had a tiff. 2 days ago, I talked to 1 of the member about the company which we are supposed to choose. Both of us sort of analysed the questions and I told him that I will be doing part A. Yesterday me and him confirmed the company. Suddenly today, another of my assingments group member sms me and said she will do part A and I will do part C. I already done half of part A. So I told her to do part cCcause I already done half of part A.

Guess what she said? She said she already finished the part A.

I was thinking. WHAT THE FUCK? Yesterday only we decided the company, YOU wasn't even there, and now you said you already finished? Immediately I know this is a shit. I was really angry, because if you don't want to do part C you can just talk to me nicely. But what you do is because I told you I finish half now you say you've completed??? Do you just want to win over or what?

I think she feels not right and she told me is just a joke much later...

I told her is not funny at all...Frankly I was angry..

and then she said I never informed her that Im doing part A and I decided everything on my own.

I got even angrier with this. First, I thought my other group member that I discussed with 2 days ago will inform them together coz I already told him Im doing part A. Sadly he did not. Well ok...thats my fault then. But SECOND, YOU never discuss with me too when u sms me to do part C! If you have no initiative to divide the work earlier, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Coz somebody will have to decide WHO n WHO doing which part and the SLOW people just folllow unless you have both way agreement to change part! This has been our way of doing the assingments isn't it? I were always informed to finish certain part of the assingments without being discussed too. And everytime is like that, never had any problem with it.

She apologised. I accepted..though IT HURTS ME DEEPLY. From person whom I defined as very good friends...I am so disappointed.

Gold

2009-07-27T21:26:00.003+08:00

Gold is a symbol of fortune. This is the perception that it gives people. Today, most things devalued but many people are not realizing. The old people used to keep money in long term saving account earning the 5% interest, but are they actually earning? I guess not. With inflation and interest rates moving everyday, money kept depreciating in terms of value so, it is very hard to earn money through saving accounts unless you invest it and make sure you gain. Me and my friends had a sum of money (mind you, our sum of money means we, as STUDENTS "sum" of money, doing part time job etc) and we knew the fact that putting money in saving account does not really earns you more money. Then, I came to ask my sister and she told me about mutual funds. I invested some on it a year ago. Not bad but very slow. Recently, I went to Rich Dad's seminar, and his gold advisor Blair said, gold and silver's price will rise tremendously in future. I always ponder how can I get into this? And so today, I found out that Public Bank actually had a kind of investment called Gold Investment Account. You will buy at least 20gms of gold for initial buy. You were to have at least 2gms of gold in the account as the minimum figures. You have to buy/sell 5gms per transaction. You can withdraw the physical gold subject to t&c. But you can't deposit it physically. Today's gold price is RM106.78.
Live Gold Price

Im interested...

Friendship

2009-07-22T23:28:00.002+08:00

So good friends has been in and out of my life....I am so sick of it that now I refuses to be so close with anyone knowing that someday they will go out of my life just like it always had been...again~

I think I am lacking of appreciating my friends...but I am kinda sick of adapting, building, and unknowingly it is gone... keeping a bunch of friends requires alot of sacrifice in many terms...

I am kinda sad tonight, somehow I feel like crying. Maybe I felt quite alone, and probably I am correct to admit that I am afraid...

I miss the times when I had a bunch of real true good friends that will cry together with me and hug me and tell me they love me and everything is gonna be alright!

Oh yeay! Today is my birthday....why heck am I so EMO?

*sigh.......

Unexpected

2009-07-22T14:38:00.009+08:00

I never thought Diana could be the 1st person to drop in comments. I am glad that you guys are still kind enough to say hi after all that had happened in CDS. I donno whether Im right to feel abit of ashame of myself for resigning...giving things up...

Btw Diana, I see u less stress nowadays too. ;)

I had a surprise party by my classmates right at 12am.

I some sort of felt it, but didn't want to expect coz it might became a serious disappointment.

So afterall, it was very surprise so many of you turn up in such late hours....I truly truly appreciate the effort you guys made.

I am gonna remember my uni's life birthday and gotta miss it I am sure. And the cake....I already missing the green tea cake now. Its so special!

This watch is given by my dear....I love it so much! I had a wonderful birthday...before this I was thinking, as we get older, our birthday is becoming more and more meaningless, less fun and birthday slowly become just another day....

But I am wrong!

Balances

2009-07-21T15:09:00.005+08:00

Its been so long since I haven't been blogging...I kind of forget how to share anymore, but well, when there is a will there is a way... So this is my action starting to do it all over again~~

It occurs to me recently that my classmates read my blog. I guess I will open back my blog to public. Who cares what others think about me? As long as I am right, ;)

I realize that the feeling of disliking each other always starts in within and then it spreads and later it ended both disliking each other. ( I am liking to make this kind of conclusion for the starting of my sentence, and then I finish what I wanna blog about in just this 1 sentence @@)

I know this is not convincing...

But many things now requires so much of observation and feelings. Its a kind of communication which includes, LISTEN, OBSERVE & FEEL.

I am loving everybody now and people are going to love me more too!
:)
____________________________________________________________

I am graduating this December. I started to ponder what I am going to do after I got my degree. There are things that you really want to do and things like you really have to/requires to/need to do.

I am at the beginning stage of worrying that I cannot do as well as I want to. Where to find my confidence? Yeah people are offering me jobs, but when you are at the top of somewhere and going all over again to the second stage, you are worried you wouldn't be at the top again.

So am I overconfident or am I not enough confident?

Gotta start taking more actions!

Puzzle

2009-06-12T22:24:00.012+08:00

Puzzle had been something I wanted to try but afraid of it cause Im well aware that I have very less patience... Though last 2 weeks, I went into the puzzle shop @ Sunway Piramid and I decided to hit it a try...decided that I am determine to complete what I start!

Day 1

Day 2Day 3
Day 4
It was really not as difficult as I imagine coz I ALREADY DECIDED I AM GOING TO COMPLETE IT. I also realize that I am very good at colours provided with concentration.

So yesterday, I went to the shop again, bought a wood frame for it and another set of Vincent Van gogh, "Starry Night Over the Rhone" which cost me all together RM256.

The puzzle with frame. RM 80 + RM116 = RM 196 (Have the idea of putting it on bid at eBay and the proceeds will go to charity) whahahaa...sounds cool rite?

"Starry Night Over the Rhone", RM 140

When I bought that, it didn't come across me to be so challenging...I just thought this piece of art gave a lot of room for imagination...it seems to have stories behind it...

Day 1

The colors look freaking the same! While doing it, I am appreciating the art. The leaflets inside the puzzle says Van Gogh was crazy...and it really IS!

To be continue...

National Achiever Congress 2009 & MAPS National Convention 2009

2009-05-31T12:34:00.015+08:00

Among the speaker list is Robert Kiyosaki & his wife, & his team, Ewen Chia from Spore, T. Harv Eker (the writer for Secrets of Millionaire Mind).

Going to functions like this opens up our eyes on the other part of the human's world which most of us have no chance to get link with. Of course, many oppurtunities were poured to us like for example we were offered a few jobs too bad we haven't yet graduate. But still we manage to get 1 of our friend whom already graduated to work.

Great isn't it?

The team on stage...can you see? The 1 in red is rich sister...haha

Mixing with everyone much older than us forces us to think of their problem which is the problem we would be facing in the coming time.

Btw, Rich Dad's gold advisor says, silver price will increase quite a figure in some time later.
.999 fine silver, 1 troy ounce selling for RM900 for 5 pieces.

The ticket cost RM1998 for early bird and the normal price is RM4988 for 3 days event(food not provided)...crazy rite? See how rich people spend money!

Actually last month we went to another event called Malaysian Association of Professional Speakers National Convention 2009 (call MAPS National Convention). Among the speakers were Tony Fernandes and a few foreign speakers and Malaysian Speakers. We had much more oppurtunities there coz we were crew dealing with registration and we work at their office for a week time and we get to know the committee there.

The thing is those senior people whom are already soo successful, they are so keen of advising us and guiding us, which I find it very amusing. They are very open and talk to us alot of things on life, business especially the future...

We gain alot of insights and ideas.

I am a big new fans of Tony Fernandes after listning to his talk!

There was 1 particular event that I let us laugh together...
THere was a foreign speaker from New Zealand, with the faces all tatooed, call Ngahi offered to sit with us during the dinner.

There are meanings for all the tattoos on his face...It is their culture to do so. And yeah, there are tattoo on his lips too. Can you imagine how pain it is? URGH

The dinner served rice and curry and all those Malaysian food. He uses fork and knife to eat the rice. (Imagine it, coz the rice is kinda sticky, so abit of it stick together like glutinous rice ball). Vivien was sitting right beside him and she turn over to me whom was sitting at another side of her and LAUGH. I find it very weird so I asked her. I turned to see and guess what? he is trying to folk to rice that is NOT like glutinous rice ball....I tried to stop myself from laughing...(I find myself very rude laughing at people...)

Then, Vivien start her rescueing work. She asked Ngahi, why don't you use spoon and folk? He asked, "How?". So vivien teach him. haha.. Unbelieveable rite? Not he don't know how to use folk and spoon. But he don't know how to use folk and spoon to eat rice. Maybe he haven't even eaten rice at all...

Me and boyfriend playing around during break time...

A dream

2009-05-06T01:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I had a really bad feeling about something, so I called home. Nothing happened.

I woke up with a very bad dream this morning. Dreaming that my mother passed away all of sudden. I cried on my dreams.

This evening, my roomate came back and thought I finished the exam early. She asked me, "so early come back ar?"

I asked back, "huh?? exam? what day is today"

I thought I was dreaming...

She said, "today is Tuesday."

"Isn't the exam's on Wednesday?"

" The exam is Tuesday la....how now?"

I didn't had much feelings as the fact haven't yet been digested. She told to go Faculty General Office to see how. My friend whom her mother passed away last time was accepted to sit for supp paper as the main.

I went...

and the lady told me, making that kind of mistake is not a reason at all..

Well yeah...i guess I know...even I myself couldn't accept such a mistake. I still didn't know why I would make such a horrible mistake.

I have to bear the consequences of my own mistake. I knew too well this fact. I told myself if I would have to repeat the whole subject, maybe I deserve it.

The thing I couldn't accept is not that I have to repeat. I deserve it. I can't accept how the hell I made such a mistake. It is not acceptable.

This whole day is like a dream to me. wtf

2009-04-17T23:39:00.012+08:00

I bought...
And Beedle the bard...wahahaha...if you don't know, thats a tale in wizarding world of Harry Potter. In the last book, Dumbledore had his will on this pass to Hermione... *Oh..I feel so Hermione*

This book cost RM43, so expensive rite?

Is purely for collection purpose...
Those are picture taken using LX3...I bought it last Friday...wahahha

Nice? After that on about Sunday, I realized Xiaxue bought the same cam! Some of my friends thought I bought it because of her~~ haha

Will be at Genting from Mon - Thurs. So fast, is now study week. I haven't start a single thingie...wuhoo...

Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3

2009-04-06T23:07:00.002+08:00

Someday, this will be mine! wahaha

Bitch

2009-04-06T02:26:00.001+08:00

You believe in destiny?

I saw someone's picture today... the face makes me believe in destiny...

Some faces are destined to be a bitch in their life. They have a kind of eyes, that kind of eyes reminds me of foxes...

This is the example I found from google image that I THINK it looks like one :

Then, I relate it to other bitches i knew... they have that kind of eyes too.

My defination of bitch here means those whom will snatch people's boyfriend / husband kind of girls, being a 3rd party, intrude people's relationship... those whom are so selfish that they even will sacrifice own dignity and pride too get what they desire...those whom think they can snatch away people's happiness to grab their own...those whom not willing to face the reality...those who had 2 faces, trying all the best to 'show' people they are so happy now...but actually...deep inside, they are guilty shit. You can cheat the whole world, but you can never cheat yourself and god.

This world is quite fair. Maybe not now, but retribution will come. I truly believed in karma, coz it happens.

Forgive is the noblest revenge, guiltiness is the worst punishment, forever. (How, 2004)

So girls, no matter what...don't be a bitch. really... it sick!

So long...

2009-03-24T03:30:00.002+08:00

So long since I've posted up a post. 1 of my friend called me to say, everytime he views my blog, he is number 1 visitor. Should I feel happy or sorry? Happy because he is still concerning about this far-away-long-old-friend. Sorry because I haven't been updating for so long.

Have I forgotten about the reason why I had this blog? Or something else has come up as more important in my life?

Things change....people change....

What remains unchange? I wonder...

I got a very sad news from my family members...not convenient to share it here...but lets pray everything will go on well soon.

There are many times over many things sometimes I feel like crying for.

Here's one I feel weird about....

For taoist there is a practice, after praying our ancestors the food, we have to throw the coins (or others use the thing which i donno called what) to make sure that they have finish and ready so that we can burn the paper money and finish the ceremony.

So yesterday, my family went to pray my father for "chin ming"( I donno whats that call in english, but every year we have to pray our ancestors within the week). I wasn't inform for it, previously, everytime I didn't attend but at least I was informed.

My sister called me and said, no matter how they throw, it just show negative(jus example to represent it). Normally, those(family members) who have not gone to pray, my mum will need to explain why he/she is not present then promise to pray when he/she is back, and my brother(his precious son) will throw the coins only then it will go positive. But my sister said this time, not even my brother work. So my family was kinda desperate and it was very late already. So my sister and family were wondering why.

My sister then kneel down and asked, "is it because your youngest daughter didn't come back that's why you don't want let us finish the ceremony?" It goes positive immediately. (Coincidence you said?). Then my sister called me and on the hp on loudspeaker, asked me to tell my father. I did. They try again...still negative.

*I drop tears*

I asked my sister, "so how now?"

She asked me to look into the sky and pray in the heart. She will call me back in a minute. So I did.

The next call...she asked me, what did you say?

I actually told my dad I am sorry that I couldn;t make it back...I will be back to pray you in 2 weeks time. Please protect me and things like that...It is not their fault for not having me back. Pls don't make them in difficult situation, give them a positive.

After I finished, my sister said, "great...positive already"

:)

I think my dad misses me. I miss you too. I really wish you were here. The kind of support you are able to give us, is the support that nobody in the world could give us.

Pa....wo ai ni. T.T

Newspaper

2009-03-13T00:43:00.002+08:00

What I encounter is an experience

2009-03-09T19:21:00.004+08:00

07/03/2009

We (3 UTAR students) waited for bus since late 7 evening at the bus stop for bus number U41 Rapid KL beside Times Square. There are many people there mostly consist of malays. The bus came at around 8.45pm but it was too packed. So we waited for another round. Until 9.50pm the bus has not arrived. A young malay boy suddenly talk to us like wanted to quarrel, so my friend(boy) ignore him. That malay boy tap my friend’s shoulder, and after that my friend were being punched in the eye and dragged to the back of the bus stop and continuously beaten by at least 3 malay young men. I called for help but all the malays (around 30) stood by, everybody thought it was just normal fights. Until they have beaten my friend for around 3minutes, all of them ran away. My friend then only told us that they had taken his mobile phone in his pocket. My bag was carried by him was taken too. Inside consist of a camera(Sony T-100, forgot to report), wallet including Identification Card, car and motor license, credit card, atm card, UTAR student card and about RM 20 cash inside.

We had made a police report number THSL/007777/09 at Dang Wangi police station around 10.49pm. After that we sent our friend to Selayang Hospital for his injury.

After we analyze the whole incident, we realize that, the fighting were being purposely created in order to create a chaos situation where they can take advantage of it to steal and rob our belongings. This is because, we did not do anything to stir them up but they act it as if both parties were meant to fight. In between the beating, they took our belongings without us(all the witness of the situation) realizing at all. Until they have ran away, only we know what is really happening.

I have heard that many cases have already happened there with the same tactic. But it is still happening. As a UTARian, Sg Long campus student, that bus stop is the only way for us to take bus back from that area. It is very dangerous for us and thus, I hope that the media can perform their role for the society since the authority did not manage to stop this from happening again and again. I also hope that the authority can take these cases more seriously since it has already happened many times and that place is tourism hotspot. I believe that Malaysians will hope to give tourist a good impression about Malaysia especially on the safety side. I hope to warn all people to be aware of the tactics these people are using and avoid becoming the next victim.

Newspaper cutting :
http://www.sinchew.com.my/node/105275?tid=1

P/s: pls spread this around. Your little effort maybe can help the next victim.

Satisfied

2009-02-15T00:06:00.006+08:00

I went to a wholesale shop that sells all kind of hair product. The point is...IM SO SATISFIED n HAPPY n CONTENTED with the money spent!

This acts like a conditioner. But it has better effect coz it regenerates the damage hair and deep penetrated to the core of the hair. It moisturize and creates deal foundation for healthy hair. After shampoo, apply small amount for 30seconds then rinse it.

Leaves your hair fantastically healthy.

From Korea. RM 55 (250g)

This is 'ying yang sui', or vitamin water. After washing spray it onto your hair ends. I've used it for about half the year. My friend love it after she tried, so this one is help her to buy wan.

RM 35 (250ml)

This is hair serum. Its like oil but its not oily. This product comes from Italy. Saloon sell it Rm100 over. Adds more light, shine & softness to every hair type. Linseed Extract and Vitamin E anti-oxident, seal the hair cuticle. Hair will become softer, shinear and more manageable.

Apply 1 or 2 drops after hair wash at the hair ends.

RM 70 (50ml) and RM 50 (30ml)

This is introduced is Beauty Queen show. Chinese call "pong pong fen". Another word, is like hair wax but its in the form of powder. Very natural and not greasy/oily. Can last all day long.

RM 28 (50ml)

Want to buy find me. Price is subject to change. These product usually can only be found in saloon with very expensive prices. If you need to try, find me. Check it out!

Not feeling so good...

2009-02-06T00:59:00.003+08:00

I used to cheat myself alot last time during secondary school... Because all people is so fake, they are so afraid on facing the truth...people used to laugh and crack jokes to cover all the fear.

Its been so long since I've been doing it until I forgot it so totally. But today it just came back to my mind...finding the causes of why people say I am so serious and they even afraid of me.

I really used to laugh and laugh and laugh...together with Elaine Teo, SMKA's Interact president also the vice president of Interact Council. During the chinese New Year...she came to my house with another friend, still doing the same thing. Keep laughing at smallest joke possible...

Maybe not me, but most human beings are fake. They only like beautiful things instead of making ugly things beautiful. I should really accept this fact. That people only like the goods and positives...

If you can't fight them, join them!

(I dislike ugly facts about human)

Update from me

2009-01-22T02:30:00.003+08:00

Hmm...I had been really busy for the past few weeks....so I gave myself some holidays to rest and to observe cum recognize and evaluate things that has been going on.

Situation are proving me right but guys...I still hope you guys will prove me wrong. Yes, I am speaking about the society that I've resigned but was rejected.

The camp was really successful. But to say it more specifically...again, things are LUCKILY successful. WHY? because everything just hit in place in very last second! Im really glad but things should be done in a better way. Thanks for Mr Ng, after the camp...many people realized alot of things and they said that they are changing. I AM observing the changes....anticipating WHEN the effect of camp will finish... as I said earlier...situation are proving me right...but Im hoping the PEOPLE will prove me wrong.

Changing are not through words but action. Many people can say many things, but how many people can DO IT? Only a few...maybe I've not seen or I've not known, but I see Jamie, Chow Hwa and Diana really transformed. Seng Long, YeeLoon, Aaron is all the while the-okay-ones. (Im talking only about CDS committees)

Haih...

I'm glad that these people really absorbed what we had learnt. For my purpose of doing the camp...Im more than happy. But, for the CDS committees....I am still waiting to see more initiative, more responsible, more commitment, more sacrifice, more support.

Many people don't understand what Im doing. All they do is ask me not to give up...face the problem...trying all their means to speak to me about it. Haih...i hate words sometimes. Empty vessels makes the most noise. Action speaks louder than voice? When we(my vice & me) REALLY REALLY faced big problems, where are the people who told me all these? Hahaha...I really want to laugh speaking of this. Except for my vice chair...nobody have the rights to tell me not to gave up, face the problem...because when problems come...we can't see any shadows!

You guys were SICK, ASSINGMENTS/THESIS, HOMETOWN, etc, etc.

Do we not sick? No thesis? No hometown or what?????

BULLSHITS!
(Yeah~sorry to be mean...but its my blog rite?)

So what do we get in the end? All the blames...

We have no rights to force people...we don't appreciate...this n BLAH

FUCK

sigh

2009-01-14T12:14:00.002+08:00

So many things happened to me throughout this few weeks. I am really lost...

I broke up with my bf
I quit CDS
my financial status now on negative digit

I am so alone
I am so lost
I am crying
I am weaker than anyone could imagine
I am acting
I am smiling
I am laughing at myself
I am asking myself to move on
I am struggling
I can't
I wait
I cry
I sleep
I bite my lips so many times
I cannot be like that
I cannot find anybody that are able to help me...

Camp

2009-01-10T21:52:00.004+08:00

Just summarize....Success Dynamic Teambuilding & Leadership Camp

1) Initiative
2) Do not just do the minimum
3) Support
4) Energy
5) Change start from yourself
6) Take responsibility
7) Match n mirror - communication
8) Its a great day!
9) Understand the role
10) Vision relate to nobleness then yourself
11) Face your fear
12) Imagine success
13) Appreciate
14) Say positive
15) Talk in a manner that people can't reject you
16) LISTEN
17) Do not assume
18) Don't plan answer before people finish speaking

I will add in if there is more later.... *PHEW* GOOD!

Too tired...learnt and felt terlalu banyak....like going to burst anytime soon. Never had such a great time. Thank you so much for the inspiration Mr Ng. God will surely bless you with long life and your dream to succeed in the course you currently taking. You really changes people's life to become better.

Beautiful

2008-12-10T02:08:00.002+08:00

Many times, we often see people taking picture, saying that the photos were not nice enough, and so they will retake and retake, and retake and retake...again and again...until the end, they didn't really satisfy but just feeling awkward of taking too many times again.

So how nice is a nice picture? Who is the people that defines beautiful?

It is in my handphone that "confidence is the key to beautiful". Isn't beautiful are defined by human and aren't you a human too? We say, beauty is in the eye of beholder. So if you are confident enough to think and convinced that you are beautiful...no matter what picture you take, you would be satisfied. And so do the rest.

People whom thinks herself as not pretty enough, always ended up not satisfied although retaking uncountable times of their own picture. People say photoshop works. But most of the "after-photoshop picture" later shows someone that don't really look like yourself. SO are you trying to be someone else? Another "beautiful" person that you hope you can be? Isn't that creating another identity based on your look? So who is this "after-photoshop girl"? You or your-dream-look-identity?

Either be her! OR stay who you are. We are all unique, we are all special...we are beautiful in our own ways. Be confident of youself. So accept your own look. If you like people to say you are beautiful, make them say you are beautiful because you really are. The real you! Not someone else that you dreamed to be, not the fake you that you photoshoped.

Appreciates

2008-12-04T16:35:00.002+08:00

Appreciates is a word...Appreciating is a verb. A verb is an action. Action is showing people regardless of whether you say it out or not. Appreciates whatever that you are having right now. If you take things for granted, very soon...you will lose it. Don't wait till when you are losing it, then you start to appreciate...by the time it may already be too late.

So, LEARN to appreciate everything that you have through action. Show them you care. ;)

Rainbow

2008-11-23T00:41:00.001+08:00

Rainbow outside my window...

Running

2008-11-20T04:53:00.003+08:00

I know I've been abandoning this blog for very long....I am sorry my friends...Life is very busy. With bf, with CDS, with friends... and alot of myself. Yeah, I was taking a week break, spending time in front of computers with movies, sleeping and eating...seriously enjoying life. Until yesterday that I realized...alot of CDS things are far behind schedule...so now, we are running and competing our pace with time. Keeping our brain active every seconds...thinking of possible problems...and finding all kinds of solutions to the existing problems and possible problems. Man, on the positive side, its very good. The more we counter, the more it happens, the more we gain and the more we learn.

I realize managing people are many things. You need to know how to satisfy them in order to make them satisfy you.

Capabilities are just so so. This means that, even though a person is capable but if he/she is not willing to contribute, it equals nothing. You may not notice, there are many people taking many positions, whom are very capable of doing many things...for the sake of certificates, recognition from the public...yes..but these people, alot of them really think that they are so good, that all they need to do is direct instead of action. Funny isn't it? They actually think that they have learn enough, so called more superior than the others. These people jus don understand the meaning of humbleness and continuous learning.

I've been enjoying myself too much. Haven't gone to class for like 3 weeks? Haih...I gave myself so many excuses...

Imagination is better than knowledge

2008-11-01T01:56:00.001+08:00

Theories

2008-10-30T01:01:00.002+08:00

Theories are just theories...IF you don't apply it.

My bf knew alot of theories....I knew alot of theories...everybody knew alot of theories...

What must and must not be done...BUT...are we applying it? We knew about many things...i really mean many many things...about life, about human, about ethics, about moral....BUT ARE WE APPLYING IT? (I am so emotional writing this)

I was struggling a few hours ago...today...I went to a workshop...it was a really good one...It shown us scientifically that everything is energy...our THOUGHTS ARE ENERGY.

By imagine it, believe it, concentrate it, we will definately achieve it! I manage to make 1 of my fingers grew longer...and majority of the people in that workshop manage to do so. Amazing huh?

So the conclusion is, we have to think positively...coz that positive thinking is an energy and it will make things work. Before you go out, think you can find a parking space...visualize it, imagine it...concentrate and believe it...try it. I succeed in 80%..people found the parking space.

Many people told me...i am a good girl...i am very special...many people told me that...and they say I really deserve someone good...but i never really believe it...or im not convinced with it...because the sad fact is...I have gone through many relationship and most of it turn out badly. So I had always thought...it was my problem...i am no good...thats why things happened...

Suddenly as fast as light, time strikes to me...perhaps...the right one just haven't come?

I donno why...it came to me that I find this friend of mine...i asked him...are we good friends? he told me I had asked him this question many times...(i never realize)...and of coz he said yes...maybe coz I really appreciate this friendship which I also donno why...

Did I realize the fact also shown me...I have many friends...many good and real friends...whom cares alot about me...and 1 of them is him(my friend that i contacted)...and perhaps I am not that bad rite? Really just the time not yet arrive?

So i told him about the feelings which I am feeling right then...

He asked me, why don't I aim a bigger one this time? Choose a real good one?

I said...I am afraid...scared? people made mistake and who knows if he turn over a new leaf...he will be a very good one? ARGHHH!!! I know all the theories very well..but towards myself...its just so hard to apply..all because I am very scared of hurting myself..how to buy an insurance for this?

He said , "no insurance...just don't take it so dearly. Ppl come n go. Live n die in our life. So why r u so bothered? If get get, if no just no. After all, we are living in a short life. As long u did, and taken your chances...even if it turns out bad...it doesn't matters also. In the end, everyone turn away...you still have yourself..."

Its back to ACCEPT WHATEVER IT COMES...

*sigh*

Tanks

2008-10-29T19:00:00.007+08:00

I caught up a new hobby...

Isn't this very nice? Creating a 'home' for the fish?

CRS scrimp...don underestimate them...each of them cost probably 3 figures?

And aquatic plants...inside there are alot of baby scrimps...

While they were eating...this CRS are very very hard to rare...water pH and temperature have to be taken care of very carefully....

Hmm....I had a tank here, and currently having guppies, swordtail, cherry scrimp, snails, aquatic plants inside...Still learning and understanding them...and 1 day...my tank are gonna be very nice! heehehee

Struggle

2008-10-24T22:37:00.002+08:00

I"ve tasted alot of feelings before...those deep and strong feelings....so at many times...I understand alot of feelings that people are going through...and I forgave them very easily because many of it...I have went through and I actually knew why they did so...coz I were like that too. Although you knew...knew so well...but there is always something left behind the heart...a benefit of doubts...for the survival of yourself...you cannot assume the other people as the same like yourself...so you doubt...and you struggle emotionally...but rationally you thought you need to...have to...have faith...trust it...believe it...*sigh*

Thank God

2008-10-22T11:00:00.003+08:00

Have you ever felt the feeling that, you have done something wrong....you deserve something bad...you expected 70% that you will get bad, because simply you deserve it, cause you spoil it, never work hard enough for it....AND......YET........you get something good in return?

What is this feeling?

I think it is more than a feeling of glad...

No words is sufficient enough to express this feeling....

THANK GOD for this...

I passed my law paper, with the best result I am able to pass in the resit. Its just....too unexpected coz things really messed up 2 days before the resit. I hardly studied..and almost even didn't turn up for the exam, coz I thought it was simply a waste of time...I never really studied..But because I've already paid for the resit fees earlier...so I thought I will have to go there to just waste the time as well since I've already wasted the money....half way on the exam...I was having mild gastric...until I couldn't really write nor concentrate...I tried my very best to simply finish the questions and I came out like 45 minutes earlier?

Thank god!

Action

2008-10-20T08:19:00.002+08:00

Action is an act. I may kiss, i may hug, i may be somebody else through action....people say life is like an actor on stage...i think that statement is so true...agree?

My boyfriend used to complain...perhaps still complaining till now...that sometimes, i push him away when he wants to hug or kiss me. I seldom initiate hug and kisses but when I do it, I really am doing it from the bottom of my heart. Seldom doing it, is that because I don't love him? From me, it is definately not!

Because towards him, (he is someone that I think I must and have to be true), so when I don't have the feel, I will push him away. Give me an opinion....is that not appropriate?

So if someone hug and kiss you all the time, only then you will feel love... is that so? Isn't those just an act if you don't mean it? So why act? If a relationship were to be an act, isn't that very pathetic besides being very ugly?

Personally I can't make a relationship an act...its just so fake...if a relationship were to be like this...then why be in a relationship? Everything becomes so fake isn't it?

Tell me your view...I just wanna know if I am abnormal to think this way~

"You can cheat the whole world, you can't cheat yourself"

2008-10-17T17:42:00.002+08:00

I have been putting this sentence as my personal message in msn for more than a week now. It reminds somebody and more to it, it reminds myself everyday...not to avoid my feelings anymore. This few days...whenever i saw this message that I put, i kept wondering...am I cheating myself? I don't know...until now I still don't...yeah I am happy at times...but is that all true? I wonder...

Why am I forcing myself so hard? Didn't I deserve something much better?